Well I had wanted to post a big explosive exciting 'reaching a new landmark' post about Day 60, but the fact is, I've been to busy!
Busy with my life. Busy getting on with my work in the world. Busy with loving my husband. Busy with my new upcoming CD, busy discussing my ups and downs and feelings with my husband. Busy with life.
AND NOT busy with being obsessed over food, or a diet, or weighing, (well maybe a little here), or fighting off cravings, or feeling deprived.
We came back from Seattle last Thursday, hungry and tired and I haven't had time to even stay obsessed over my cooking lately, and so we stopped a a local joint and had a bite for dinner. I was determined to get a sandwich of some sort.
We got in the establishment and I was reading the menu thinking about a reuben or a corned beef sandwich but I really did not want to deal with the aftereffects of the gluten and wheat affect on my body and mind. So when the waitress came, I surrendered my 'mental anticipation taste bud voice,' and ordered a ceaser salad with chicken, dressing on the side with a decaf coffee and cream. That night and the next day I was very calmly happy I had done so.
The thing that surprised me is that I did not feel deprived for having taken the healthier route. In my old 'dieting' days, I would have felt deprived and suffered righteously through my salad. Instead, I felt satisfied, peaceful and calm. And I did not feel egotistical about having ordered the salad and being 'good.' Which is also an old mental routine from the 'staying on the diet' days.
These to me are huge steps indicating a continued healing in my psyche and with a huge side affect blessing to my body.
And so life goes on and I go on with it.
I actually did have about a day and a half of cravings this month two days before my cycle started. I thought about Becky staring at her hand (a story in her book), until the cravings past. I just stayed busy and eventually they dissapated. I am grateful for that.
Since beginning this journey, I have lost 9 lbs. I actually did not weigh when I started so I could actually be down 10 or 11 or even 12 but that is not important.
What is thrilling to me is that I am eating delicious foods with no feeling whatsoever of deprivation and the healthy foods (including the healthy chocolate bars and homemade chocolate that I make), taste better to me than the old Hershey's brand or Dove brand of candies. That is a miracle as in the past, I had all the healthy stuff in the house, but nothing would satisfy my disease except as the disease called it "The real stuff.'
So slow but sure I am seeing the light beyond the huge hold of addiction that I have lived in for approximately 35 years of my life. Climbing out for all those years to see the light of day for maybe a week, two weeks, 3 months (when on Optifast) but all with the 'dry drunk' 'white knuckling' struggle of 'diets,' and so always of course falling back down into the hole to wallow once again with shame, guilt, struggle, tears, body pain, loss of self respect, and on and on.
Now why would I want to go back to that?
Thank you God for helping me along this far. Thank you for my life. Thank you for the good days ahead.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Day 56 - My Rant!
On the other thread I am on... someone had written in asking for 'self-help' suggestions for emotional eating. I, of course, recommended Becky's book "Dieting, A Dry Drunk." Someone else recommended "Feeding the hungry heart" by Geneen Roth."
This got me on a rant as follows, that I felt had some great info. in it for this thread:
Read that back in my 'therapy days.' Great book. But I wasn't 'clean' when I read it. I was still eating emotionally and badly. My personal belief gleaned from Becky's book and my own years of humble experience is that just like a drunk cannot go into therapy while still drinking... neither can emotional or overeaters or anyone with an eating problem go into therapy when still indulging. You can, but the therapy itself usually won't stop the disease.
And I'm not saying 'don't read it,' nor am I saying it won't do you any good... but all of those books and all of the therapy I did for years and years, did not stop my eating issues of eating for every emotional reason under the sun. I 'understood' why I was eating because of the therapy and the books, but it did not stop the disease.
My experience is, one has to find a place to stop the madness of eating before one can begin to address some of the emotional aspects driving the disease. When one's mind is clear and free from the brain chemistry ups and downs, one can truly 'see' and 'feel' what's going on.
Part of the entire issue, again from my own years of trying like a desperate mad woman to figure out my problem, is that when your brain chemistry is whacked from sugar and bad food, you don't think straight, act right, sleep right, your hormones are messed up causing additional emotional and physical problems, etc., etc.
Again, to first get clean from the overeating and emotional eating, allows one to really see what the issues might be.
It's not an easy road in, but for me, it's been the only road in after years of trying every type of therapy out there while still eating away thinking 'if I just figured out what my problems are,' or 'if I just got the right job,' or 'if I just got the right husband,' or if I just got the... right whatever!' Or 'as soon as my bills are paid,' 'or as soon as my kid leaves home' or 'as soon as tomorrow looks better,' I'll be able to get this eating under control.' Or the big one.. "If I just lost weight, then by gosh, I'd be able to love myself and then really 'control' my eating."
And the others: "I deserve this." "I'm under too much stress today, I have to eat." "Just today... because my work load is too much and I'm tired, so I'll eat this candy and drink this coffee to help me make it through, and then tomorrow I'll start clean."
None of that goes away. Life never stops. Stress never stops. And so the emotional eating will never stop because there will never be a tomorrow that is good enough. That voice will drive one for an entire lifetime unless one begins to recognize what is going on. It drove me for 40 years. 40 years of my life on the horrid roller coaster of "trying to control it," feeling ashamed of my body, of my self, feeling guilty because "I" couldn't get it right!
Becky's book and website may scare some because it calls the eating issue a disease or an addiction and many people don't want to even consider that there might be a deeper issue called an addition or disease - I mean it's just eating, right? But my testimony says 'give it a chance.' It's a cheap book and if you don't recognize yourself and your eating issues in the first chapter, put it on a shelve and forget all I have told you. But don't throw it out.
I bought this book 5 years ago, once again desperate and at the height of yet another round of binging because my husband was dieing (and that was my big excuse to eat), and yes it's a good one but no excuse is good enough now for me now that I understand about emotional eating and how it can eventually kill. But I bought the book and recognized myself and the issues right there in the first chapter, and at the time began to try and get clean, but I kept making those excuses to eat. I didn't 'get it' yet.
I put it on the shelve. (I'm so glad I didn't throw it away).
5 years later (2 months ago), I pulled it out again and I 'got it.'
Now almost two months clean from emotional eating and binging and not one binge of junk has happened. Not even any desire for any junk food or sugar.
I attribute this to three things... One - 'getting it.' Understanding and surrendering to the fact that I indeed had an issue with 'eating over anything and nothing,' and I was driven by that voice making excuses to eat. I listened to it and caved every time. Even if I knew it was not right, I caved.
The 2nd thing is, Dr. D's GTD which has completely stablized my brain chemistry and given me the tools to handle the stresses and ups and downs of the days. When the voices do come now, I can walk away from them and 'handle life on life's terms.' Which means... life is going to throw everything my way... ups and downs... bad days and good... do I eat over them... no. This is accepting life on life's terms and moving forward without eating over it.
And three, God's help. I give thanks every day, every moment that I have no cravings. That I feel 'sane' for once in my life. And I stay humble about it. Because the minute I think "I've" got it sussed, the minute I think "I'm in control here" the voice will sneak back in and bite my big ego and the possibility of falling down into the dark hole again becomes a huge threat.
Therapy? Well, I haven't needed any yet. I have a very supporting loving husband who has been clean from alcohol for 25 years and was involved in the 12 step way back when so he understands and supports me and listens and we talk through everything. I do use Becky's workbook... she has a workbook that helps you walk through your issues as you read the main book. I haven't used it much but I plan to.
I have a terrible stress going on right now. My sister is near death and my Mother is acting out in weird ways and my sisters kids are stealing her food stamp cards and all this huge drama is going on. I have awful ups and downs in my heart and gut from it all, but not once have I wanted to eat over it.
At any rate... I've gotten way away from myself here at 5:30 in the morning, so I'll stop. I hope that some of what I have said helps someone someday. And if not, it sure helped me to write it. To share and give of ones story/testimony is a healing and a reinforcement of the souls journey.
Blessings...
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
This got me on a rant as follows, that I felt had some great info. in it for this thread:
Read that back in my 'therapy days.' Great book. But I wasn't 'clean' when I read it. I was still eating emotionally and badly. My personal belief gleaned from Becky's book and my own years of humble experience is that just like a drunk cannot go into therapy while still drinking... neither can emotional or overeaters or anyone with an eating problem go into therapy when still indulging. You can, but the therapy itself usually won't stop the disease.
And I'm not saying 'don't read it,' nor am I saying it won't do you any good... but all of those books and all of the therapy I did for years and years, did not stop my eating issues of eating for every emotional reason under the sun. I 'understood' why I was eating because of the therapy and the books, but it did not stop the disease.
My experience is, one has to find a place to stop the madness of eating before one can begin to address some of the emotional aspects driving the disease. When one's mind is clear and free from the brain chemistry ups and downs, one can truly 'see' and 'feel' what's going on.
Part of the entire issue, again from my own years of trying like a desperate mad woman to figure out my problem, is that when your brain chemistry is whacked from sugar and bad food, you don't think straight, act right, sleep right, your hormones are messed up causing additional emotional and physical problems, etc., etc.
Again, to first get clean from the overeating and emotional eating, allows one to really see what the issues might be.
It's not an easy road in, but for me, it's been the only road in after years of trying every type of therapy out there while still eating away thinking 'if I just figured out what my problems are,' or 'if I just got the right job,' or 'if I just got the right husband,' or if I just got the... right whatever!' Or 'as soon as my bills are paid,' 'or as soon as my kid leaves home' or 'as soon as tomorrow looks better,' I'll be able to get this eating under control.' Or the big one.. "If I just lost weight, then by gosh, I'd be able to love myself and then really 'control' my eating."
And the others: "I deserve this." "I'm under too much stress today, I have to eat." "Just today... because my work load is too much and I'm tired, so I'll eat this candy and drink this coffee to help me make it through, and then tomorrow I'll start clean."
None of that goes away. Life never stops. Stress never stops. And so the emotional eating will never stop because there will never be a tomorrow that is good enough. That voice will drive one for an entire lifetime unless one begins to recognize what is going on. It drove me for 40 years. 40 years of my life on the horrid roller coaster of "trying to control it," feeling ashamed of my body, of my self, feeling guilty because "I" couldn't get it right!
Becky's book and website may scare some because it calls the eating issue a disease or an addiction and many people don't want to even consider that there might be a deeper issue called an addition or disease - I mean it's just eating, right? But my testimony says 'give it a chance.' It's a cheap book and if you don't recognize yourself and your eating issues in the first chapter, put it on a shelve and forget all I have told you. But don't throw it out.
I bought this book 5 years ago, once again desperate and at the height of yet another round of binging because my husband was dieing (and that was my big excuse to eat), and yes it's a good one but no excuse is good enough now for me now that I understand about emotional eating and how it can eventually kill. But I bought the book and recognized myself and the issues right there in the first chapter, and at the time began to try and get clean, but I kept making those excuses to eat. I didn't 'get it' yet.
I put it on the shelve. (I'm so glad I didn't throw it away).
5 years later (2 months ago), I pulled it out again and I 'got it.'
Now almost two months clean from emotional eating and binging and not one binge of junk has happened. Not even any desire for any junk food or sugar.
I attribute this to three things... One - 'getting it.' Understanding and surrendering to the fact that I indeed had an issue with 'eating over anything and nothing,' and I was driven by that voice making excuses to eat. I listened to it and caved every time. Even if I knew it was not right, I caved.
The 2nd thing is, Dr. D's GTD which has completely stablized my brain chemistry and given me the tools to handle the stresses and ups and downs of the days. When the voices do come now, I can walk away from them and 'handle life on life's terms.' Which means... life is going to throw everything my way... ups and downs... bad days and good... do I eat over them... no. This is accepting life on life's terms and moving forward without eating over it.
And three, God's help. I give thanks every day, every moment that I have no cravings. That I feel 'sane' for once in my life. And I stay humble about it. Because the minute I think "I've" got it sussed, the minute I think "I'm in control here" the voice will sneak back in and bite my big ego and the possibility of falling down into the dark hole again becomes a huge threat.
Therapy? Well, I haven't needed any yet. I have a very supporting loving husband who has been clean from alcohol for 25 years and was involved in the 12 step way back when so he understands and supports me and listens and we talk through everything. I do use Becky's workbook... she has a workbook that helps you walk through your issues as you read the main book. I haven't used it much but I plan to.
I have a terrible stress going on right now. My sister is near death and my Mother is acting out in weird ways and my sisters kids are stealing her food stamp cards and all this huge drama is going on. I have awful ups and downs in my heart and gut from it all, but not once have I wanted to eat over it.
At any rate... I've gotten way away from myself here at 5:30 in the morning, so I'll stop. I hope that some of what I have said helps someone someday. And if not, it sure helped me to write it. To share and give of ones story/testimony is a healing and a reinforcement of the souls journey.
Blessings...
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Day 55 and Over Due Check In!!!
Well I'm behind! Life has been keeping me swamped with getting the new CD ready. We are in the final push to get the artwork and all the songs to press so that we can have a release by end of October so my little blog entries have been suffering.
At any rate, I'm still abstinent with my bottom line of "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." And that is a miracle. A miracle I am most grateful for. I am grateful for so many things in my life, but this gift of being abstinent is the newest gift in my life after 40 years of overeating, binging, dieting, and secretly being horribly shamed with hand wringing guilt that slowly eats away at any self confidence or pride in who one is as a person.
I am more relieved and feel more free everyday. But I hold tight to my bottom line because I know the disease can rear it's secret subtle voice at any time whispering that one extra bite or one additional meal or 'this time only' won't matter. Bull... after 40 years of those voices controlling my life... I turn away from them gently and go on with my day. Thank you God. Thank you God.
I must admit, when I re-read my 30 days of Abstinence post I certainly was on the "Pink Cloud" Becky talks about in her book and subsequently felt a bit of a let down after the big build up in my mind to make it to that point. It felt like I had been on a bit of a 'diet' going toward a goal and then when I reached the goal, the old voice said... "Ok, now what?" "This isn't fun anymore... you can't even celebrate with a bunch of junk food or anything!" HA! I saw the moment for what it was because I had Becky's book and I read about the "Pink Cloud" and it helped me re-adjust to the fact that this is a way of life from now until forever, not something I'm going to let go of after I reach 30 days of being clean or 60 or 1 year or even 5 years. This is my life now. "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
One thing I have done for my afternoon sugar drop is I drink some juice with some green veggi powder added. This gets me past the 3:30 slump I experience to dinner. I was really struggling before. It's a great solution if you indeed have issues with low blood sugar in the late afternoons.
My weight is holding steady and I feel I've lost more but since (once again), I'm only 3 days away from my monthly cycle, I know I have extra weight from hormonal activity going on. But I feel I've lost at least 2 lbs this month. I've been working with some meal moderation issues especially when we traveled to Oregon recently, if I'm honest, I can say that a couple of my meals were slightly over moderate. So live and learn and re-adjust and keep truckin' forward!
The most important change has been my mental stability in the last month. I feel balanced, calm, ready for action and totally committed to my health and work in the world which is my music.
Thank you Becky once again for your great insight. I feel your book and the way your wrote it and the issues it addresses were and are a gift from God. In all the eating/dieting books I've read I've never found one that addresses these deep issues surrounding eating like yours does.
And of course another hand clap as well for Dr. Dadamo and his wonderful Blood Type Diet/Geno Type Diet Science work. Between these two tools, I am continuing to find my life and my sanity.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
At any rate, I'm still abstinent with my bottom line of "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." And that is a miracle. A miracle I am most grateful for. I am grateful for so many things in my life, but this gift of being abstinent is the newest gift in my life after 40 years of overeating, binging, dieting, and secretly being horribly shamed with hand wringing guilt that slowly eats away at any self confidence or pride in who one is as a person.
I am more relieved and feel more free everyday. But I hold tight to my bottom line because I know the disease can rear it's secret subtle voice at any time whispering that one extra bite or one additional meal or 'this time only' won't matter. Bull... after 40 years of those voices controlling my life... I turn away from them gently and go on with my day. Thank you God. Thank you God.
I must admit, when I re-read my 30 days of Abstinence post I certainly was on the "Pink Cloud" Becky talks about in her book and subsequently felt a bit of a let down after the big build up in my mind to make it to that point. It felt like I had been on a bit of a 'diet' going toward a goal and then when I reached the goal, the old voice said... "Ok, now what?" "This isn't fun anymore... you can't even celebrate with a bunch of junk food or anything!" HA! I saw the moment for what it was because I had Becky's book and I read about the "Pink Cloud" and it helped me re-adjust to the fact that this is a way of life from now until forever, not something I'm going to let go of after I reach 30 days of being clean or 60 or 1 year or even 5 years. This is my life now. "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
One thing I have done for my afternoon sugar drop is I drink some juice with some green veggi powder added. This gets me past the 3:30 slump I experience to dinner. I was really struggling before. It's a great solution if you indeed have issues with low blood sugar in the late afternoons.
My weight is holding steady and I feel I've lost more but since (once again), I'm only 3 days away from my monthly cycle, I know I have extra weight from hormonal activity going on. But I feel I've lost at least 2 lbs this month. I've been working with some meal moderation issues especially when we traveled to Oregon recently, if I'm honest, I can say that a couple of my meals were slightly over moderate. So live and learn and re-adjust and keep truckin' forward!
The most important change has been my mental stability in the last month. I feel balanced, calm, ready for action and totally committed to my health and work in the world which is my music.
Thank you Becky once again for your great insight. I feel your book and the way your wrote it and the issues it addresses were and are a gift from God. In all the eating/dieting books I've read I've never found one that addresses these deep issues surrounding eating like yours does.
And of course another hand clap as well for Dr. Dadamo and his wonderful Blood Type Diet/Geno Type Diet Science work. Between these two tools, I am continuing to find my life and my sanity.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Friday, September 19, 2008
Day 47 and an Enlightening Conversation
Below is an interaction from another board I'm a member of that I felt was a very important conversation to post here - the paragraphs in italics are the person's original comments followed by my response in regular font.
Funky Muse, I just saw this thread!
My personal experience: I dont consciously reach out for black dots. Stuff like Spelt, Oats etc., make me wheez. Stuff like lentils give me gas. Stuff like egg plant, yard long beans, spinach, carrots etc., which used to be my favourites, just dont have any flavour anymore! However, I reserve these vegetables & lentils for visits. Coffee makes me sleepy. Certain black dot nuts dont give obvious reactions but certain others make me burp and gives me indigestion. Same for black dot fruits.
I don't even eat these things anymore! I tried to give carrots a go but they were not interesting. I haven't touched spelt or oats in awhile now. The black dots I have to be careful with are the ones I enjoy like Avocado and Apricots and Necterines! But I'm working to stay away from those right now as an experiment to see if my weight or other health issues change. It's complicated for me because of this hemochromatosis which makes me feel awful all over if I have too much Iron which i do presently.
As for oils & ghee, I have a personal rule of making these good fats 20% of my meal. It's something that I picked up in the ER/LR book. Infact, without getting too hung upon numbers, I personally follow this: 40% protein, 30% Carbs from fruits & veggies, 10% Carbs from grains and 20% fats. I've played around with it and have found this ratio to sit well with me.
I can't do any percentages or measurements due to my addiction habits and patterns from the past. It really kicks in 'dieting mentality' for me and that is one thing I'm working to stay abstinent from. You see, for most folks who are addicts, 'diets' were a way to control their issues rather than deal with them. The 'diet' became the focus rather than just working to find a bottom line of abstinence to stick with, eating right and exercising and then beginning to deal with emotional issues.
One cannot deal with interior emotional pain and past trauma when one is drunk (or brain chemistry altered from bad food or illusionary low calorie dieting). When you are eating junk and binging you are drunk. You are brain chemistry altered. Also when you are 'dieting' per se' with the glorious illusion of permanent weight loss and 'finally getting control' of your eating hanging over your head, you are drunk. (you are brain chemistry altered by the illusion that you are going to get it right this time). You are in illusion land. Because what it truly takes is just settling down into a routine of taking the time to make sure you stick with your bottom line abstinence (mine is 3 moderate meals per day with no random eating inbetween NO MATTER WHAT); and focusing on the 1st step toward freedom from crazed and controlled eating. As your brain chemistry balances and you get into a rhythm with your meal planning and eating moderately, then you can begin to dig into working on emotional issues.
Most folks try to do it all at once and it's virtually impossible until you reach a strong place with your abstinence away from junk eating or grazing, and 'dieting mentality.'
As for exercise, it's funny really. Up until about 2 months ago exercise was part and parcel of my life. Something natural, like breathing. Then I developed some imbalances and in order to take care of it I had to stay away from physical straining...but I continued eating my diamonds and super foods. Black dots would creep in from time to time when eating out.
What I noticed last weekend was that I had lost almost 2kg, and my clothes continue to hang on me. There is more definition in my physique, and that helps when you're slightly taller than 5 feet with a short torso
Over at our Fresh Start Week thread, Lakeslady, another Hunter, has been off exercises for similar reasons, but she's been eating fairly well, and she remarked that she had lost weight without even trying.
I know that when you don't exercise you loose muscle weight and mass so most likely that is what is happening. Also your body might tend to store more muscle fluids when exercising on a regular basis.
I'm not even trying to lose weight. It isnt my goal. I look at the food lists and I know what my limits are and what my options are. If I find a recipe which calls for a black dot, I would sub it with a diamond or a super bennie. At the most a neutral. Black dots appear benign...but for me personally they turn around and bite me!
In reading your posts over the course of my time here, I think you are doing a great job. It gets back to what we each are facing personally.
Some folks like Rex can gain weight and then decide to stop and they have luck with it. For addicts or folks that are facing really bad brain chemistry upset with adrenals and hormonal issues, that ability to just stop is not there. It's not about willpower. The body DEMANDS it's sugar and junk when it is off balance. There is no stopping it at times. I have been in that position thousands of times.
My 1st husband decided he was not going to smoke anymore and that was it. Others have to go wear patches and chew gum to try and make it through. My 2nd husband found himself in the gutter in Mexico after an all night drinking binge and decided right there he was going to stop drinking. Others have to go through massive rehap and 12 step programs.
There is no 'one way' out for anyone. Each person has to reach a 'bottom' with their eating, even if they are not sugar or junk addicts per se' before they can truly make a long term life change.
Me, it took 35 years of back and forth and back and forth thinking I could control it with this diet or that diet or this pill or that one, or eat only pizza on fridays, or starving one day a week or whatever crazy thing it was. FOR YEARS I played games with myself.
It's not about weight loss. The weight loss will come on it's own when other things are lined up. And if it doesn't than either the meals are too big or other factors or involved that one has to carefully look at. Like maybe your body likes being that weight naturally. It's about body and mind health. If one keeps messing around with bad foods to a huge degree they will go back and forth messing up their brain chemistry and then it takes 2 or 3 days to get it back to a place of stability again. It's a ruthless cycle. And millions of people do this. No only obese folks or addicts. Regular people mess around and mess around and mess around.
I think that Dr. D's suggestion that 4 or 5 times a week of non-compliance is a normal occurence for one who is working to stay compliant. But beyond that, one is beginning to play a serious game of losing balance with food which in turn plays huge havoc on the ability to stay sane with food, brain chemistry, adrenal and hormonal issues.
Now I have a simple existence with food. I have my bottom line abstinence rule and I have my good eating plan from the GTD.
This does not make me a saint or a big ego blasting mouth here... It means I had the fear of God rise up in me one night as I looked back over my life and realized how many years I had been messing around and not finding a place to stay sane. My body hurt, I felt awful most days, and I felt mentally crazy around food and trying to control it all.
I surrendered, admitted I obviously had issues, established my bottom line abstinence (with the help of Becky Jackson's book), got my GTD eating in gear and here I am working toward my 60 days of abstinence from 'dieting' and binging.
I have great compassion for myself and all who are suffering from the back and forth game of trying to get balance in their lifes with food. It can be a lifetime roller coaster ride.
Group hug... ?
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Funky Muse, I just saw this thread!
My personal experience: I dont consciously reach out for black dots. Stuff like Spelt, Oats etc., make me wheez. Stuff like lentils give me gas. Stuff like egg plant, yard long beans, spinach, carrots etc., which used to be my favourites, just dont have any flavour anymore! However, I reserve these vegetables & lentils for visits. Coffee makes me sleepy. Certain black dot nuts dont give obvious reactions but certain others make me burp and gives me indigestion. Same for black dot fruits.
I don't even eat these things anymore! I tried to give carrots a go but they were not interesting. I haven't touched spelt or oats in awhile now. The black dots I have to be careful with are the ones I enjoy like Avocado and Apricots and Necterines! But I'm working to stay away from those right now as an experiment to see if my weight or other health issues change. It's complicated for me because of this hemochromatosis which makes me feel awful all over if I have too much Iron which i do presently.
As for oils & ghee, I have a personal rule of making these good fats 20% of my meal. It's something that I picked up in the ER/LR book. Infact, without getting too hung upon numbers, I personally follow this: 40% protein, 30% Carbs from fruits & veggies, 10% Carbs from grains and 20% fats. I've played around with it and have found this ratio to sit well with me.
I can't do any percentages or measurements due to my addiction habits and patterns from the past. It really kicks in 'dieting mentality' for me and that is one thing I'm working to stay abstinent from. You see, for most folks who are addicts, 'diets' were a way to control their issues rather than deal with them. The 'diet' became the focus rather than just working to find a bottom line of abstinence to stick with, eating right and exercising and then beginning to deal with emotional issues.
One cannot deal with interior emotional pain and past trauma when one is drunk (or brain chemistry altered from bad food or illusionary low calorie dieting). When you are eating junk and binging you are drunk. You are brain chemistry altered. Also when you are 'dieting' per se' with the glorious illusion of permanent weight loss and 'finally getting control' of your eating hanging over your head, you are drunk. (you are brain chemistry altered by the illusion that you are going to get it right this time). You are in illusion land. Because what it truly takes is just settling down into a routine of taking the time to make sure you stick with your bottom line abstinence (mine is 3 moderate meals per day with no random eating inbetween NO MATTER WHAT); and focusing on the 1st step toward freedom from crazed and controlled eating. As your brain chemistry balances and you get into a rhythm with your meal planning and eating moderately, then you can begin to dig into working on emotional issues.
Most folks try to do it all at once and it's virtually impossible until you reach a strong place with your abstinence away from junk eating or grazing, and 'dieting mentality.'
As for exercise, it's funny really. Up until about 2 months ago exercise was part and parcel of my life. Something natural, like breathing. Then I developed some imbalances and in order to take care of it I had to stay away from physical straining...but I continued eating my diamonds and super foods. Black dots would creep in from time to time when eating out.
What I noticed last weekend was that I had lost almost 2kg, and my clothes continue to hang on me. There is more definition in my physique, and that helps when you're slightly taller than 5 feet with a short torso
Over at our Fresh Start Week thread, Lakeslady, another Hunter, has been off exercises for similar reasons, but she's been eating fairly well, and she remarked that she had lost weight without even trying.
I know that when you don't exercise you loose muscle weight and mass so most likely that is what is happening. Also your body might tend to store more muscle fluids when exercising on a regular basis.
I'm not even trying to lose weight. It isnt my goal. I look at the food lists and I know what my limits are and what my options are. If I find a recipe which calls for a black dot, I would sub it with a diamond or a super bennie. At the most a neutral. Black dots appear benign...but for me personally they turn around and bite me!
In reading your posts over the course of my time here, I think you are doing a great job. It gets back to what we each are facing personally.
Some folks like Rex can gain weight and then decide to stop and they have luck with it. For addicts or folks that are facing really bad brain chemistry upset with adrenals and hormonal issues, that ability to just stop is not there. It's not about willpower. The body DEMANDS it's sugar and junk when it is off balance. There is no stopping it at times. I have been in that position thousands of times.
My 1st husband decided he was not going to smoke anymore and that was it. Others have to go wear patches and chew gum to try and make it through. My 2nd husband found himself in the gutter in Mexico after an all night drinking binge and decided right there he was going to stop drinking. Others have to go through massive rehap and 12 step programs.
There is no 'one way' out for anyone. Each person has to reach a 'bottom' with their eating, even if they are not sugar or junk addicts per se' before they can truly make a long term life change.
Me, it took 35 years of back and forth and back and forth thinking I could control it with this diet or that diet or this pill or that one, or eat only pizza on fridays, or starving one day a week or whatever crazy thing it was. FOR YEARS I played games with myself.
It's not about weight loss. The weight loss will come on it's own when other things are lined up. And if it doesn't than either the meals are too big or other factors or involved that one has to carefully look at. Like maybe your body likes being that weight naturally. It's about body and mind health. If one keeps messing around with bad foods to a huge degree they will go back and forth messing up their brain chemistry and then it takes 2 or 3 days to get it back to a place of stability again. It's a ruthless cycle. And millions of people do this. No only obese folks or addicts. Regular people mess around and mess around and mess around.
I think that Dr. D's suggestion that 4 or 5 times a week of non-compliance is a normal occurence for one who is working to stay compliant. But beyond that, one is beginning to play a serious game of losing balance with food which in turn plays huge havoc on the ability to stay sane with food, brain chemistry, adrenal and hormonal issues.
Now I have a simple existence with food. I have my bottom line abstinence rule and I have my good eating plan from the GTD.
This does not make me a saint or a big ego blasting mouth here... It means I had the fear of God rise up in me one night as I looked back over my life and realized how many years I had been messing around and not finding a place to stay sane. My body hurt, I felt awful most days, and I felt mentally crazy around food and trying to control it all.
I surrendered, admitted I obviously had issues, established my bottom line abstinence (with the help of Becky Jackson's book), got my GTD eating in gear and here I am working toward my 60 days of abstinence from 'dieting' and binging.
I have great compassion for myself and all who are suffering from the back and forth game of trying to get balance in their lifes with food. It can be a lifetime roller coaster ride.
Group hug... ?
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Back from a little journey and Day 38
Well we took a trip 6 hours south to do some business. Hubby had to be in a legal meeting all day the 2nd day and I was left to be out and about. I went to Whole Foods and got a couple of cooking aprons so I won't ruin anymore of my sweat shirts cooking! ha... And then I went up North to the mountains to where we used to live and walked around in the forrest. I miss it but it is too far away for the kind of business we do. It was good to go up there.
I was MORE THAN FATIGUED from the drive and the stress of it all. But no cravings. I had moments where I felt like eating because I was so tired but feeling like eating is different from the driving 'never let you go until you eat junk' voice which was not really present.
I had brought a lot of good food in a cooler, so there was no need to eat out breakfast or lunch. We did have dinner out two nights and to be honest, my meals may have been slightly more than moderate but not enough to say I broke my abstinence. While everyone else enjoyed desert, I was just too full and could not justify it.
So I hung in there with God's help and lived through the tiredness and the ups and downs of the trip and made it home. The only thing I really did more than I ever do is chew gum. I chewed about 4 - 6 sticks per travel day throughout the day. I didn't like this and don't plan to do it again unless I cannot get to a place to brush my teeth. The other thing is that I did have a couple of cups of half calf coffee and I DO NOT LIKE THE HIGH, this stuff gives me anymore. I really can tell the difference between coffee caffeine and green tea/yerba mate caffeine. I get way to grittery and uneasy on the coffee caffeine. Yuck-O! ha... I was never one to use speed or diet pills way back when. Hated them.. they just made me want to eat to come back down to earth.
I weighed this morning and my weight held steady at 5 lbs less. I have not been having good regular movements so I'm not sure what is really going on.
When I was down there, I went to the Red Cross and had a blood draw for my hemochromatosis and yes my iron was up so that is why I've been aching all over. Now I have to start going for regular draws of 1 unit a week or so, until the iron levels are down again.
It's kind of a pain to have this disease but at least I can manage it with blood draws. And it's kind of a pain to be an addict but in all the years that have past I learned so much from the disease of addiction that I cannot call it a pain anymore. It's a true gift as it has brought me to a place where I really want to eat right and take care of myself in a gentle moderate way.. not an obsessed over the top control freak way.
Freedom is moderation and surrender.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I was MORE THAN FATIGUED from the drive and the stress of it all. But no cravings. I had moments where I felt like eating because I was so tired but feeling like eating is different from the driving 'never let you go until you eat junk' voice which was not really present.
I had brought a lot of good food in a cooler, so there was no need to eat out breakfast or lunch. We did have dinner out two nights and to be honest, my meals may have been slightly more than moderate but not enough to say I broke my abstinence. While everyone else enjoyed desert, I was just too full and could not justify it.
So I hung in there with God's help and lived through the tiredness and the ups and downs of the trip and made it home. The only thing I really did more than I ever do is chew gum. I chewed about 4 - 6 sticks per travel day throughout the day. I didn't like this and don't plan to do it again unless I cannot get to a place to brush my teeth. The other thing is that I did have a couple of cups of half calf coffee and I DO NOT LIKE THE HIGH, this stuff gives me anymore. I really can tell the difference between coffee caffeine and green tea/yerba mate caffeine. I get way to grittery and uneasy on the coffee caffeine. Yuck-O! ha... I was never one to use speed or diet pills way back when. Hated them.. they just made me want to eat to come back down to earth.
I weighed this morning and my weight held steady at 5 lbs less. I have not been having good regular movements so I'm not sure what is really going on.
When I was down there, I went to the Red Cross and had a blood draw for my hemochromatosis and yes my iron was up so that is why I've been aching all over. Now I have to start going for regular draws of 1 unit a week or so, until the iron levels are down again.
It's kind of a pain to have this disease but at least I can manage it with blood draws. And it's kind of a pain to be an addict but in all the years that have past I learned so much from the disease of addiction that I cannot call it a pain anymore. It's a true gift as it has brought me to a place where I really want to eat right and take care of myself in a gentle moderate way.. not an obsessed over the top control freak way.
Freedom is moderation and surrender.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Friday, September 5, 2008
Important Questions and Answers
A dear friend of mine wrote to me after I wrote yesterdays post and ask me the following questions. I felt it was important to this Blog to post these questions and the answers because it brings in such clarity about my abstinence which is an abstinence to continue to heal from the madness of binging and ... 'dieting, or rigid eating plans of deprivation and/or starvation.'
Questions:
I have to ask...........what is it you're considering abstinence? just not eating between meals? I'm confused because I was thinking you meant not eating avoids, yet you had some pie and a decaf mocha and still considered the day a day of abstinence. Just asking for clarification. Not judging you, that's for darn sure. Me who can't seem to go more than 3 days w/o eating something I shouldn't.
Answers:
No ramdom eating between 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what.
Moderate is the key and if you ever read Becky's book she says that eating healthy 60- 80% of the time is what one should strive for because there are always situations where you cannot eat healthy.
Becoming overly obsessed about a particular diet or eating regime is a no no. It feeds the addicts obsessive
'diet mentality' qualities of control and 'white knuckling it' and eventually leads to a binge on all the stuff that one avoids while ridgedly attempting to stick to some plan.
So I eat as close to Dr. Dadamo's Genotype Diet as possible when I'm home and as much as possible when I'm out. Which is about 95% compliance because when I'm home I will eat black dots and if we go somewhere and hub has a coffee sometimes I will have a decaf low fat mocha. Total avoid... but I don't want to sit there all righteous and feeling deprived which will feed my disease.
So yesterday I had a couple of avoids and I'm not bothered mentally about it. How I am bothered is that I didn't like them very much. Homemade ice cream and chocolate made with diamond, superfoods and neutrals taste so much better and I love them. Cheap whip cream pie with some lemon flavoring and a mocha with cheap chocolate powder and milk is becoming old hat and boring and I am beginning to want to just order tea. You see??? By allowing myself the 'taboo no no' every so often so it won't feed my addiction voice of deprivation, I begin to not want it at all and can say no from a natural place of really not wanting it. Not from a place of 'oh i'm going to do good, so I won't have that,' and then secretely feeling left out or again deprived.
It's a healing work to not be obsessed or impulsive. I really think being "impulsive' in particular, and not being able to say no, comes from bad brain chemistry from not getting the correct neutrients in the brain. I didn't even want the few bites of pie really, but I felt so sad about the entire situation that I had them but I made sure to have them right there as part of my moderate meal. Next time I'll ask if they have any fruit because it was so unenjoyable and tasted like all the foods I used to binge on, that it made me a bit afraid and also I knew that had I eaten more of the poisen pie I would have paid dearly for it.
So that's my abstience and how it is working in me. You should really order the book. It helps one let go of so many 'self condemning' thoughts and actions and helps get you on the first part of the journey without alot of rigid rules and regualtions that really just feed obsessive impulsive qualities.
I am not saying you are an addict. You may or may not be one. But it seems that you might want a little assurance and insight into what I'm going through and how I am just now beginning to work it and it's actualy working, and how some of it might help you, which I feel it would.
Sorry to confuse you about the abstinence. These days I refuse to be perfect! And I will never be perfect. The choices I am making are because I want to feel good and free from the insanity of addiction, not because I HAVE to be 100% complient to reach some truly unattainable goal of health. I think it's not what we eat most times, it's the stress in our lifes that rots the food in our gut!!! Sounds awful... but I think it's about 50% at least true. I went through this with Woody. He ate completely healthy (100% compliant on the BTD), during his divorce and cancer but he still went down because of the horrid stress.
I will write more later... but you really sparked me to take time to write this to you and I feel it was important for me personally. To write about my abstinence, what it means and how it applies to my life reminds me of the healing journey I am on.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Questions:
I have to ask...........what is it you're considering abstinence? just not eating between meals? I'm confused because I was thinking you meant not eating avoids, yet you had some pie and a decaf mocha and still considered the day a day of abstinence. Just asking for clarification. Not judging you, that's for darn sure. Me who can't seem to go more than 3 days w/o eating something I shouldn't.
Answers:
No ramdom eating between 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what.
Moderate is the key and if you ever read Becky's book she says that eating healthy 60- 80% of the time is what one should strive for because there are always situations where you cannot eat healthy.
Becoming overly obsessed about a particular diet or eating regime is a no no. It feeds the addicts obsessive
'diet mentality' qualities of control and 'white knuckling it' and eventually leads to a binge on all the stuff that one avoids while ridgedly attempting to stick to some plan.
So I eat as close to Dr. Dadamo's Genotype Diet as possible when I'm home and as much as possible when I'm out. Which is about 95% compliance because when I'm home I will eat black dots and if we go somewhere and hub has a coffee sometimes I will have a decaf low fat mocha. Total avoid... but I don't want to sit there all righteous and feeling deprived which will feed my disease.
So yesterday I had a couple of avoids and I'm not bothered mentally about it. How I am bothered is that I didn't like them very much. Homemade ice cream and chocolate made with diamond, superfoods and neutrals taste so much better and I love them. Cheap whip cream pie with some lemon flavoring and a mocha with cheap chocolate powder and milk is becoming old hat and boring and I am beginning to want to just order tea. You see??? By allowing myself the 'taboo no no' every so often so it won't feed my addiction voice of deprivation, I begin to not want it at all and can say no from a natural place of really not wanting it. Not from a place of 'oh i'm going to do good, so I won't have that,' and then secretely feeling left out or again deprived.
It's a healing work to not be obsessed or impulsive. I really think being "impulsive' in particular, and not being able to say no, comes from bad brain chemistry from not getting the correct neutrients in the brain. I didn't even want the few bites of pie really, but I felt so sad about the entire situation that I had them but I made sure to have them right there as part of my moderate meal. Next time I'll ask if they have any fruit because it was so unenjoyable and tasted like all the foods I used to binge on, that it made me a bit afraid and also I knew that had I eaten more of the poisen pie I would have paid dearly for it.
So that's my abstience and how it is working in me. You should really order the book. It helps one let go of so many 'self condemning' thoughts and actions and helps get you on the first part of the journey without alot of rigid rules and regualtions that really just feed obsessive impulsive qualities.
I am not saying you are an addict. You may or may not be one. But it seems that you might want a little assurance and insight into what I'm going through and how I am just now beginning to work it and it's actualy working, and how some of it might help you, which I feel it would.
Sorry to confuse you about the abstinence. These days I refuse to be perfect! And I will never be perfect. The choices I am making are because I want to feel good and free from the insanity of addiction, not because I HAVE to be 100% complient to reach some truly unattainable goal of health. I think it's not what we eat most times, it's the stress in our lifes that rots the food in our gut!!! Sounds awful... but I think it's about 50% at least true. I went through this with Woody. He ate completely healthy (100% compliant on the BTD), during his divorce and cancer but he still went down because of the horrid stress.
I will write more later... but you really sparked me to take time to write this to you and I feel it was important for me personally. To write about my abstinence, what it means and how it applies to my life reminds me of the healing journey I am on.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Day 32 - My first serious challenge...
Well for me personally it seems to always be the case that once a great sun rises and shines, it is followed by a shadowy day either internally, externally, or both. Today I received the internal challenge of dissatisfaction.
My husband and I took the ferry and went over to a town called Squim right on the Straights of San Juan and chose a eating place to celebrate our anniversary. We both ordered an expensive dish of steamed mixed seafood which came with some kind of cole slaw mixture and a bun.
The cole slaw mixture was shredded cabbage in a bowl with thousand island dressing poured on top. Pretty classy huh?! NOT.
The bun of course was a mass produced bun of some sort which I did not touch. The seafood mixture was actually decent and came with butter dip and lemons. I had to really use the lemon and salt, and a bit of the butter to give it some sort of flavor but it was better than everything else on the menu.
Hubby then ordered lemon pie for his desert and I took a few bites of only the filling which was basically whip cream with lemon flavor added.
The drive to Squim was beautiful. The town of Squim was less than beautiful except for the stunning mountain range beyond it. The area we went to eat was right on the coast so it was pretty nice.
But overall we were vastly disappointed in the meal which left me completely emotionally unsatisfied and wishing I could have something really special. Wishing we had gone somewhere else. Wishing we had stayed home. The meal just left me empty and sad that so much money had been spent on this meal that was supposed to be so special for us.
And I had to live with that. I couldn't go get a goodie snack to make it all better. As well when we got back to the town of Port Townsend, WA, which is loaded with old time touristy shops and eatery's... I found that the old voice of 'let's get a goodie, let's have fun.. let's get something good to eat...' came thundering back and I realized how much I relied on food to make life exciting when out and about in the world just spinning time away like we do when we are taking a day off there and there and site seeing or gallavanting about here and there.
I had to instead take in the view. Sit on a bench and watch the people, talk to my precious love about our life together and our music... enjoy the ocean breeze. I had to eat of nature and of the simple things. In doing this I realized a huge thing. That when we are focused on eating and food and getting this goodie or that one or even being like a shop manic going from shop to shop looking at this and that and buying this and that, that we are distracting, (or at least I am), from life.
This was a brand new experience for me. And I realized there are going to be many more times in the future when I pick the wrong foods by accident and am left unsatisfied with how the meal tastes or how it made me feel from an emotional satisfaction standpoint.
I did have a decaf mocha on the way home and didn't like it at all really; but when I got home I had a healthy meal.
Tonight I am grateful for being able to go out into the world and maintain my abstinence, and I am especially grateful for my husbands love of me and my body. Hey I don't understand it, but he sees something my harsh judging hateful eyes don't see and he makes me feel cherished in a body that 5 years ago, I was so ashamed of, I wouldn't go out in public at times. Such sad shame I carried in my heart. Such a sad and lonely young woman I was. And now... what a strong and beautiful and compassionate soul I have awakened to, within myself. I'm falling in love with the gifts of my heart that are finally blooming.
This morning I was down 3 lbs from that number that had been holding stubborn on that white piece of metal with the swirling numbers that I step on every morning, testing my fear of the damn thing, and the gift of acceptance of my beautiful healing body and mind.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
My husband and I took the ferry and went over to a town called Squim right on the Straights of San Juan and chose a eating place to celebrate our anniversary. We both ordered an expensive dish of steamed mixed seafood which came with some kind of cole slaw mixture and a bun.
The cole slaw mixture was shredded cabbage in a bowl with thousand island dressing poured on top. Pretty classy huh?! NOT.
The bun of course was a mass produced bun of some sort which I did not touch. The seafood mixture was actually decent and came with butter dip and lemons. I had to really use the lemon and salt, and a bit of the butter to give it some sort of flavor but it was better than everything else on the menu.
Hubby then ordered lemon pie for his desert and I took a few bites of only the filling which was basically whip cream with lemon flavor added.
The drive to Squim was beautiful. The town of Squim was less than beautiful except for the stunning mountain range beyond it. The area we went to eat was right on the coast so it was pretty nice.
But overall we were vastly disappointed in the meal which left me completely emotionally unsatisfied and wishing I could have something really special. Wishing we had gone somewhere else. Wishing we had stayed home. The meal just left me empty and sad that so much money had been spent on this meal that was supposed to be so special for us.
And I had to live with that. I couldn't go get a goodie snack to make it all better. As well when we got back to the town of Port Townsend, WA, which is loaded with old time touristy shops and eatery's... I found that the old voice of 'let's get a goodie, let's have fun.. let's get something good to eat...' came thundering back and I realized how much I relied on food to make life exciting when out and about in the world just spinning time away like we do when we are taking a day off there and there and site seeing or gallavanting about here and there.
I had to instead take in the view. Sit on a bench and watch the people, talk to my precious love about our life together and our music... enjoy the ocean breeze. I had to eat of nature and of the simple things. In doing this I realized a huge thing. That when we are focused on eating and food and getting this goodie or that one or even being like a shop manic going from shop to shop looking at this and that and buying this and that, that we are distracting, (or at least I am), from life.
This was a brand new experience for me. And I realized there are going to be many more times in the future when I pick the wrong foods by accident and am left unsatisfied with how the meal tastes or how it made me feel from an emotional satisfaction standpoint.
I did have a decaf mocha on the way home and didn't like it at all really; but when I got home I had a healthy meal.
Tonight I am grateful for being able to go out into the world and maintain my abstinence, and I am especially grateful for my husbands love of me and my body. Hey I don't understand it, but he sees something my harsh judging hateful eyes don't see and he makes me feel cherished in a body that 5 years ago, I was so ashamed of, I wouldn't go out in public at times. Such sad shame I carried in my heart. Such a sad and lonely young woman I was. And now... what a strong and beautiful and compassionate soul I have awakened to, within myself. I'm falling in love with the gifts of my heart that are finally blooming.
This morning I was down 3 lbs from that number that had been holding stubborn on that white piece of metal with the swirling numbers that I step on every morning, testing my fear of the damn thing, and the gift of acceptance of my beautiful healing body and mind.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Day 31!!!
Whoo Hoo!!! 31 Days of being completely honestly abstinence! Oh boy am I feeling balanced, grounded and most especially grateful. Thank you Great Spirit. Thank you God. Thank you life.
I would not trade one minute of all those years of suffering in addiction process because of what it taught me. How it humbled me, how it taught me compassion, tore up my pride, and so much more. But I will not trade my abstinence for anything now!!!
What a freedom I have found. When one reaches this point, one wonders how they could not have found it sooner. How come they kept giving into trying to control and diet and go insane when the tools were within a change of attitudes reach.
Blinders. That's really the stark answer. Plain ole' blinders - those side ones they put on horses so they don't get affected by the traffic going by. That's what a diet is like. That's what starving is like. That's what obsession and addiction are like. Blinders shutting out life, shutting out the joys and pains and sufferings by creating your own personal hell on the inside of those blinders right there between your ears!!!
That and good ole' unbalanced brain chemistry. And boy does that make me so grateful for Dr. D'adamo's GenoType research and subsequent eating plan for each genotype.
I am eating better and more balanced than in my entire life. And loving every delicious minute of it. I cannot believe I put myself through such extreme dieting and starvation routines missing out on delicious olive oil and ghee, and so many wonderful foods that I now DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE ON but can enjoy moderately and might I add SANELY.
Oh my Gosh.. sanity.. what a concept for an addict!
So I made it through a month with NO CRAVINGS during my entire hormonal shift as I did start my cycle today. My weight held steady for a full week as I'm sure it was from hormonal activity. But as I mentioned, abstinence is first and foremost beyond any weight loss and holding my bottom line of "NO RANDOM EATING INBETWEEN 3 MEALS PER DAY NO MATTER WHAT" is key to my continued abstinence. NOT BECOMING OBSESSED ABOUT WEIGHT AND BEGINNING TO CUT PORTIONS TO TRY AND ATTAIN SOME DESPERATE GOAL.
OH MY GOSH... TO BE RID OF THE MENTAL CRAZINESS IS BEYOND MY POOR MINDS ABILITY TO GRASP RIGHT NOW!! It's quite glorious.
I told my husband last night, there would not be many people who would understand my estatic state of being from becoming abstinent. It is like the moment I went and had an underwater body fat test in my extreme dieting and exercise days and came out having 12.5% body fat. I walked out of the clinic totally overjoyed and looked around the parking lot at normal life going on and realized nobody would give a crap!!! HAAA!!!
But seriously, I know other folks who have attained true abstinence will understand and share my joy.
So onward.. humbly deeply grateful for the great time we all live in of advanced science where Naturalpaths like Dr. D'adamo and others are discovering ways to help us eat individually to keep our brain chemistry balanced and as well deep grateful thanks to Becky Jackson for her wonderful recovery system that works!
It's funny... we addicts always want something complicated and extreme and fast. Over, done, NOT. Done all that and it got me to the starting gate 100 times over. Now I've left the starting gate for good!!!
YA HOOO!!!!
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I would not trade one minute of all those years of suffering in addiction process because of what it taught me. How it humbled me, how it taught me compassion, tore up my pride, and so much more. But I will not trade my abstinence for anything now!!!
What a freedom I have found. When one reaches this point, one wonders how they could not have found it sooner. How come they kept giving into trying to control and diet and go insane when the tools were within a change of attitudes reach.
Blinders. That's really the stark answer. Plain ole' blinders - those side ones they put on horses so they don't get affected by the traffic going by. That's what a diet is like. That's what starving is like. That's what obsession and addiction are like. Blinders shutting out life, shutting out the joys and pains and sufferings by creating your own personal hell on the inside of those blinders right there between your ears!!!
That and good ole' unbalanced brain chemistry. And boy does that make me so grateful for Dr. D'adamo's GenoType research and subsequent eating plan for each genotype.
I am eating better and more balanced than in my entire life. And loving every delicious minute of it. I cannot believe I put myself through such extreme dieting and starvation routines missing out on delicious olive oil and ghee, and so many wonderful foods that I now DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE ON but can enjoy moderately and might I add SANELY.
Oh my Gosh.. sanity.. what a concept for an addict!
So I made it through a month with NO CRAVINGS during my entire hormonal shift as I did start my cycle today. My weight held steady for a full week as I'm sure it was from hormonal activity. But as I mentioned, abstinence is first and foremost beyond any weight loss and holding my bottom line of "NO RANDOM EATING INBETWEEN 3 MEALS PER DAY NO MATTER WHAT" is key to my continued abstinence. NOT BECOMING OBSESSED ABOUT WEIGHT AND BEGINNING TO CUT PORTIONS TO TRY AND ATTAIN SOME DESPERATE GOAL.
OH MY GOSH... TO BE RID OF THE MENTAL CRAZINESS IS BEYOND MY POOR MINDS ABILITY TO GRASP RIGHT NOW!! It's quite glorious.
I told my husband last night, there would not be many people who would understand my estatic state of being from becoming abstinent. It is like the moment I went and had an underwater body fat test in my extreme dieting and exercise days and came out having 12.5% body fat. I walked out of the clinic totally overjoyed and looked around the parking lot at normal life going on and realized nobody would give a crap!!! HAAA!!!
But seriously, I know other folks who have attained true abstinence will understand and share my joy.
So onward.. humbly deeply grateful for the great time we all live in of advanced science where Naturalpaths like Dr. D'adamo and others are discovering ways to help us eat individually to keep our brain chemistry balanced and as well deep grateful thanks to Becky Jackson for her wonderful recovery system that works!
It's funny... we addicts always want something complicated and extreme and fast. Over, done, NOT. Done all that and it got me to the starting gate 100 times over. Now I've left the starting gate for good!!!
YA HOOO!!!!
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Day 27
Whoa... almost 30!
The slightest bit of obsession has been trying to creep in about the scale. I find I am scared to get on it these days for some reason and because of that I've been getting on it! For 4 days in a row I've been holding the new number. I can't believe it! I mean I'm following my plan and all but I feel swollen a bit. I've learned you can have a swollen tummy and still not be fatter than you were! Ha.. I think this is from my monthly hormone shift toward my cycle. It will be interesting to see how I move through that this month with abstinence and see how the cravings come if they do. I know one thing, I've been increasingly hungry before meals lately. I'm going to keep a tab on that and see if that is a monthly thing.
In that regard, this is Day 22 of the cycle, so technically I'm supposed to start my cycle in 2 days but I am in peri so that's debatable! :) So definitely cravings would be normal but I'm not really having them. I'm just feeling extra hungry. Humm... very very interesting!
Did alot of cooking this morning and also made homemade pumpkin pie ice cream using MimicCreme, http://www.mimiccreme.com. It was delicious. I had it with my lunch.
At any rate, my neck pain continues. This week it has been very bad. Not sleeping at all and last night was the worst. I have been singing a bit in the studio... maybe that in contributing.
I've been also reading here and there when I get a few minutes about dieing. A book called "Who Dies" is fabulous. Really brings one to the present moment about life, let me tell you.
I have Lamb in the oven. I want to get some paperwork done and some singing. I have a lot of prep to do before Tues. Boy I'll be glad when this push is over.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
The slightest bit of obsession has been trying to creep in about the scale. I find I am scared to get on it these days for some reason and because of that I've been getting on it! For 4 days in a row I've been holding the new number. I can't believe it! I mean I'm following my plan and all but I feel swollen a bit. I've learned you can have a swollen tummy and still not be fatter than you were! Ha.. I think this is from my monthly hormone shift toward my cycle. It will be interesting to see how I move through that this month with abstinence and see how the cravings come if they do. I know one thing, I've been increasingly hungry before meals lately. I'm going to keep a tab on that and see if that is a monthly thing.
In that regard, this is Day 22 of the cycle, so technically I'm supposed to start my cycle in 2 days but I am in peri so that's debatable! :) So definitely cravings would be normal but I'm not really having them. I'm just feeling extra hungry. Humm... very very interesting!
Did alot of cooking this morning and also made homemade pumpkin pie ice cream using MimicCreme, http://www.mimiccreme.com. It was delicious. I had it with my lunch.
At any rate, my neck pain continues. This week it has been very bad. Not sleeping at all and last night was the worst. I have been singing a bit in the studio... maybe that in contributing.
I've been also reading here and there when I get a few minutes about dieing. A book called "Who Dies" is fabulous. Really brings one to the present moment about life, let me tell you.
I have Lamb in the oven. I want to get some paperwork done and some singing. I have a lot of prep to do before Tues. Boy I'll be glad when this push is over.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Day 24
Don't mean to lapse, but I have to set priorities these days as far as working in the studio and cooking healthy abstinent meals. Still going and don't plan on letting go ever. I give thanks everyday for the freedom I have found. I also am down another lb... so that makes 5 total so far. I'm very happy with that progress.
The MOST IMPORTANT THING IS MY ABSTINENCE. All else pales in comparison to being truly abstinent. That is what I know down to the core of my bones. Thank God. Thank you God.
I ate some bad almonds two days in a row and man did I pay for it two nights in a row. The 2nd night worse than the first as the toxins had built up in my system. Sigh.
But I'm better now, just very tired from it all.
Here is a recipe I posted at Dr. D'Adamo's site. which has some fantastic recipes if you are interested in looking them over:
http://www.dadamo.com/typebase4/recipedepictor7x.cgi?1051
Now I'm always having these great insights at night in my dream state or when I am away from the computer somewhere else and I always tell myself... 'man I have to post about this.' And then I completely forget when I sit here. Sigh.
Would sure appreciate anyone feeling the love and support here to chime in. It's getting lonely! :)
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
The MOST IMPORTANT THING IS MY ABSTINENCE. All else pales in comparison to being truly abstinent. That is what I know down to the core of my bones. Thank God. Thank you God.
I ate some bad almonds two days in a row and man did I pay for it two nights in a row. The 2nd night worse than the first as the toxins had built up in my system. Sigh.
But I'm better now, just very tired from it all.
Here is a recipe I posted at Dr. D'Adamo's site. which has some fantastic recipes if you are interested in looking them over:
http://www.dadamo.com/typebase4/recipedepictor7x.cgi?1051
Now I'm always having these great insights at night in my dream state or when I am away from the computer somewhere else and I always tell myself... 'man I have to post about this.' And then I completely forget when I sit here. Sigh.
Would sure appreciate anyone feeling the love and support here to chime in. It's getting lonely! :)
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Day 21
Well finally I got here. Had to go shopping all day for groceries, etc. It's so tiring. We travel to the mainland by Ferry to go to Costco and Fred Meyer so we can save money as groceries here are a bit much. Not horribly so, but every little bit adds up.
I can't remember all I had to tell, except I had a horrid night two nights ago with a migrane delux. Had to take Ibuprofen which I absolutely hate to do. The next day I was dizzy and in awful pain and totally nauseated. I think the pain made me nauseas it was so bad.
I hung in there with my meals and recovery.
Nothing too personal to report. I have left the kitchen in total disarray as I need to go down and spend a couple of hours working on music stuff in preparation for Tuesdays studio session. I mean, I've been at it since breakfast... so I'm tired and my feet hurt! And if I don't get some stuff ready for the studio, I'm going to be sorry! Priorities priorities!
Oh I seem to be down 4 lbs now. The scale seems to jump up a couple, then down one, then up one, then down two. It's kind of weird. But it's never gone back to where it started.
And I read a very inspiring article about a woman who took it very very slow just adding the word healthy to her meals and exericsing. In 6 months she lost 30 lbs. That's 5 lbs a month. After a year she had lost 45 lbs. Then 8 months after that she lost the final 20. I really liked this because she's been holding her weight for 3 years now. Plus there was no deprivation or starvation or severe calorie cutting. My hub always says that the slower you loose it, the more success you will have keeping it off. I believe him.
The thing to do is to establish that bottom line abstinence, mine is: "No Random Eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." Then forget it about the word diet and go forward in your life. It's freedom, let me tell you!
My Tools:
My bottom line for abstinence:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I can't remember all I had to tell, except I had a horrid night two nights ago with a migrane delux. Had to take Ibuprofen which I absolutely hate to do. The next day I was dizzy and in awful pain and totally nauseated. I think the pain made me nauseas it was so bad.
I hung in there with my meals and recovery.
Nothing too personal to report. I have left the kitchen in total disarray as I need to go down and spend a couple of hours working on music stuff in preparation for Tuesdays studio session. I mean, I've been at it since breakfast... so I'm tired and my feet hurt! And if I don't get some stuff ready for the studio, I'm going to be sorry! Priorities priorities!
Oh I seem to be down 4 lbs now. The scale seems to jump up a couple, then down one, then up one, then down two. It's kind of weird. But it's never gone back to where it started.
And I read a very inspiring article about a woman who took it very very slow just adding the word healthy to her meals and exericsing. In 6 months she lost 30 lbs. That's 5 lbs a month. After a year she had lost 45 lbs. Then 8 months after that she lost the final 20. I really liked this because she's been holding her weight for 3 years now. Plus there was no deprivation or starvation or severe calorie cutting. My hub always says that the slower you loose it, the more success you will have keeping it off. I believe him.
The thing to do is to establish that bottom line abstinence, mine is: "No Random Eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." Then forget it about the word diet and go forward in your life. It's freedom, let me tell you!
My Tools:
My bottom line for abstinence:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Friday, August 22, 2008
Day 19
I'm hanging in there with the abstinence I'm sick tonight with what is threatening to be a bad sinus infection. Took a bunch of herbs and am going to have tea and go to bed.
But I have a lot to tell... hopefully tomorrow. Sigh.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
But I have a lot to tell... hopefully tomorrow. Sigh.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Day 17 A bit of Craving!
Well today was a bit stressful as I had to prepare for tomorrow studio session and the song I laid down yesterday I need to change a bit so I had to sit for a few hours and create what needed to be changed. As well, I had to prepare a new song and figure out how to sing it. I basically spent the entire day doing all this. I took time out to do a sauna and eat meals and that was it!
At lunch, we had nice meal and had chocolate afterwards. I felt like eating more. I usually always feel like eating more but this time I almost did! But I remembered I had planned for 2 pieces and that if I decided to eat more, no matter how small of a bite, it would be veering into an abstinent break. So I went and brushed my teeth and carried on with life. Close one!
I always get so hungry around 3:30/4pm so I had some juice as usual. At 5, I went up to cook dinner and it was going to take about an hour and I was famished. So I ate an nectarine while preparing dinner.
I have not been sleeping well due to neck tension. I've got the chiro coming Friday. Tonight I'll take some valerine herb to help me relax.
Onward... and upward!
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
At lunch, we had nice meal and had chocolate afterwards. I felt like eating more. I usually always feel like eating more but this time I almost did! But I remembered I had planned for 2 pieces and that if I decided to eat more, no matter how small of a bite, it would be veering into an abstinent break. So I went and brushed my teeth and carried on with life. Close one!
I always get so hungry around 3:30/4pm so I had some juice as usual. At 5, I went up to cook dinner and it was going to take about an hour and I was famished. So I ate an nectarine while preparing dinner.
I have not been sleeping well due to neck tension. I've got the chiro coming Friday. Tonight I'll take some valerine herb to help me relax.
Onward... and upward!
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Day 16
Well, yesterday was slammed so I didn't get to post. Had to get ready for a singing session at the studio as well as do some cooking, etc. etc.
Today I weighed back down 3 lbs from when I first weighed. So who knows. I'm becoming a bit disinterested in it really. HA!!! Maybe that's the plan behind Becky Jacksons suggestion of weighing yourself often so you can become unafraid of the scale.
I know that I'm staying abstinent and having my 3 moderate meals and so I feel good. AND today boy did I feel good. I did. I was happy, peaceful, funny, energetic... and all on less than 8 hours of sleep.
We went out for dinner this evening because Hub needed to get out as he was having a very dark day. So I had a bowl of beef chili with salsa style chips. Corn is better for me than wheat. Hub had desert but I wanted to come home and have a banana which I did.
There's not much to report really. I think I had a pretty good session at the studio. Tomorrow I have to spend alot of time getting ready for the next song, doing some cooking and paperwork.
We are in a push to get this cd done so we can move on to marketing and performing.
I read something today.. the guy said "There is no solid bottom line as there is always a trap door." Oh man, how true. And how good to be reminded of the dangers of that trap door.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Today I weighed back down 3 lbs from when I first weighed. So who knows. I'm becoming a bit disinterested in it really. HA!!! Maybe that's the plan behind Becky Jacksons suggestion of weighing yourself often so you can become unafraid of the scale.
I know that I'm staying abstinent and having my 3 moderate meals and so I feel good. AND today boy did I feel good. I did. I was happy, peaceful, funny, energetic... and all on less than 8 hours of sleep.
We went out for dinner this evening because Hub needed to get out as he was having a very dark day. So I had a bowl of beef chili with salsa style chips. Corn is better for me than wheat. Hub had desert but I wanted to come home and have a banana which I did.
There's not much to report really. I think I had a pretty good session at the studio. Tomorrow I have to spend alot of time getting ready for the next song, doing some cooking and paperwork.
We are in a push to get this cd done so we can move on to marketing and performing.
I read something today.. the guy said "There is no solid bottom line as there is always a trap door." Oh man, how true. And how good to be reminded of the dangers of that trap door.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Day 14 - Two Weeks Baby!
Wow... time flies when you are busy and don't think about eating all the time! Actually I do think about it... I think about what my next abstinent meal will be and how to stay moderate. So far so good thanks to my higher power keeping me grounded.
Today again I was deeply fatigued. I poured some coffee mid morning as I was going to use it to try and keep going. I then poured it down the sink and went and laid down. Much better solution. That my friends is taking care of ones self. I woke up feeling better and got busy with the laundry and cleaning I needed to do. Then I worked out. Then I felt awful again. Body hurting all over. Man pain is a tiring thing. Hubby wanted to go to the beach so after lunch we drove out. It was beautiful and relaxing. I read some more of Balancing Heaven and Earth by Robert Johnson. I let the wind blow through me. I took time to just 'be' instead of 'do' as Robert talks about in the book.
I had alot of fear last night around 2:30 about studio costs and I had to remind myself over and over that I need to see the end result and not worry about how I'm getting there. Obviously one has to be frugal and careful but to lay awake in fear over money is silly right now. We are ok today. And we were ok yesterday. That's all I can count on is today. But I will admit the fear had more to do with how I think maybe the studio guy is padding his hours. I don't like to be manipulated and I was during my first CD and so I'm sensitive. But again, I kept having to remind myself... new moment. And don't worry... think on the end result... etc., etc. Man it's tough to get the brain to settle down. It's like an obsessed monkey on speed at times! Ha...
I was back down a lb today. Yesterday I weighed and was up a lb. So in total I have come down 2 lbs in two weeks. Can't ask for a better way to loose! I get to eat delicious moderate healthy meals and keep my brain chemistry balanced. Now if I could only not hurt all over. I hope I haven't let the hemochromotosis go to far this time. I go on Sept 8th in OR to have a blood draw. It's kind of a pain and I hope I can get the same care I was receiving in OR in WA.
I've changed my water so we are drinking tap through a Pure Filter. So other than the hemochromotosis, I can't imagine where this entire body pain and fatigue would come from.
Now I'm off to work on some songs I need to sing in the studio next week. Tomorrow well... I'll think about tomorrow when it arrives. I'm working on staying present, right? :)
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Today again I was deeply fatigued. I poured some coffee mid morning as I was going to use it to try and keep going. I then poured it down the sink and went and laid down. Much better solution. That my friends is taking care of ones self. I woke up feeling better and got busy with the laundry and cleaning I needed to do. Then I worked out. Then I felt awful again. Body hurting all over. Man pain is a tiring thing. Hubby wanted to go to the beach so after lunch we drove out. It was beautiful and relaxing. I read some more of Balancing Heaven and Earth by Robert Johnson. I let the wind blow through me. I took time to just 'be' instead of 'do' as Robert talks about in the book.
I had alot of fear last night around 2:30 about studio costs and I had to remind myself over and over that I need to see the end result and not worry about how I'm getting there. Obviously one has to be frugal and careful but to lay awake in fear over money is silly right now. We are ok today. And we were ok yesterday. That's all I can count on is today. But I will admit the fear had more to do with how I think maybe the studio guy is padding his hours. I don't like to be manipulated and I was during my first CD and so I'm sensitive. But again, I kept having to remind myself... new moment. And don't worry... think on the end result... etc., etc. Man it's tough to get the brain to settle down. It's like an obsessed monkey on speed at times! Ha...
I was back down a lb today. Yesterday I weighed and was up a lb. So in total I have come down 2 lbs in two weeks. Can't ask for a better way to loose! I get to eat delicious moderate healthy meals and keep my brain chemistry balanced. Now if I could only not hurt all over. I hope I haven't let the hemochromotosis go to far this time. I go on Sept 8th in OR to have a blood draw. It's kind of a pain and I hope I can get the same care I was receiving in OR in WA.
I've changed my water so we are drinking tap through a Pure Filter. So other than the hemochromotosis, I can't imagine where this entire body pain and fatigue would come from.
Now I'm off to work on some songs I need to sing in the studio next week. Tomorrow well... I'll think about tomorrow when it arrives. I'm working on staying present, right? :)
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Friday, August 15, 2008
Day 12 - Tired but Calm
Well today was interesting to say the least. We headed to the studio only to have the keyboard player not show up because he forgot about the session! I had a feeling... one should always listen to those little feelings and follow through with checking them out. Ah... to live and learn, right?
Today I was deeply fatigued. Got up feeling that way after what seemed to be a full nights sleep. But it was hot last evening and we had to run the noisy fan. I felt brain fogged and bone weary. After we got home from the studio, I went straight to the bed and passed out for 1-1/2 hours. It was good I did that. I did not use food or coffee to try and wake up. I took care of my needs.
I am blessed to be able to do that. At work, years ago at one of my first accounting jobs, I had a little storage closet. I used to go in there and lock the door and pass out for 15-20 minutes. Ha... but it worked! Those were in the days I did not drink coffee.
Once I started on coffee, I thought the world was beautiful. It made me happy to be wherever I was. But after a time it began to have a wicked after-affect. It caused me to crave carbs - and not the good carbs mind you. I forget what year I started on it.. but I'm finally only on green teas and yerba mate. No more coffee caffeine. Sometimes I'll have a decaf.
I'm feeling over welmed again at all the housework I have to do and the constant cooking of our meals. It's crazy but if you want to be healthy and balanced, the best way is to make your own food. I enjoy cooking but man food is a mess! Lots of cleanup all the time. I get tired of it all.
I submitted a few of my songs to a country music contest today. And I had previously submitted to a couple of big song writing contests so I'm waiting for one of these babies to take flight.
Well I feel as if I'm just rambling away about nothing spectacular so I'll end this blabbing charade and go back to my kitchen duties. Sigh. Dear God... how about a maid? :)
I give thanks for my life and the good things in it even if I don't have a maid!
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Today I was deeply fatigued. Got up feeling that way after what seemed to be a full nights sleep. But it was hot last evening and we had to run the noisy fan. I felt brain fogged and bone weary. After we got home from the studio, I went straight to the bed and passed out for 1-1/2 hours. It was good I did that. I did not use food or coffee to try and wake up. I took care of my needs.
I am blessed to be able to do that. At work, years ago at one of my first accounting jobs, I had a little storage closet. I used to go in there and lock the door and pass out for 15-20 minutes. Ha... but it worked! Those were in the days I did not drink coffee.
Once I started on coffee, I thought the world was beautiful. It made me happy to be wherever I was. But after a time it began to have a wicked after-affect. It caused me to crave carbs - and not the good carbs mind you. I forget what year I started on it.. but I'm finally only on green teas and yerba mate. No more coffee caffeine. Sometimes I'll have a decaf.
I'm feeling over welmed again at all the housework I have to do and the constant cooking of our meals. It's crazy but if you want to be healthy and balanced, the best way is to make your own food. I enjoy cooking but man food is a mess! Lots of cleanup all the time. I get tired of it all.
I submitted a few of my songs to a country music contest today. And I had previously submitted to a couple of big song writing contests so I'm waiting for one of these babies to take flight.
Well I feel as if I'm just rambling away about nothing spectacular so I'll end this blabbing charade and go back to my kitchen duties. Sigh. Dear God... how about a maid? :)
I give thanks for my life and the good things in it even if I don't have a maid!
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Day 11
Man does the time fly or what! Just yesterday I was committing to my bottom line of "No Random Eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what!"
And I'm still moving forward. My higher Power is helping me. I still feel pudgy and I'm suffering a bit because I have only sloppy loose winter pants that look awful with cool summer tops. I had hoped in my 'control' days' to be thin by now or at least to a point where my stomach didn't look like I was 6 months pregnant! Of course I'm exaggerating based on what my 'vision in the mirror' reveals mixed with shame and a distant guilt from never being able to 'control' myself and be a successful 'normal' eater.
And I mention all that so I can continue to put it behind me moment by moment. All these bad negative thoughts. But at times it's hard when you are hot and feel blubbery on top of being hot. I felt a lot less gross when I was thinner and hot! ha... You gotta laugh at me. At any rate, the truth of this entire matter is that I have a dis-ease and I'm not ashamed of it. It is what it is and man has it really brought me to my knees over and over... seared my pride and continued to humble me. And as I go along continuing my abstinence I expect to learn more and more from this intense teacher I seem to have been born with. Bad Brain chemistry 101. "Yes... right down the hall there... go on in and sign up for a life time of confusion. When you surrender you will move on into Acceptance and Action 101 upstairs in room 2." "You can backslide at any moment, so make sure to say this prayer everyday... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Today on the scale I remained the same. 3 lbs down. I did my sauna and held to my bottom line, and went about my daily business amazed at how grounded I continue to feel even though I did not sleep enough last night. Normally when I don't sleep enough I crave to keep eating. Today I didn't crave to keep eating.
Thanks God for this day and a good nights sleep tonight. Thanks for good love and friends. Thank you for my life.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
And I'm still moving forward. My higher Power is helping me. I still feel pudgy and I'm suffering a bit because I have only sloppy loose winter pants that look awful with cool summer tops. I had hoped in my 'control' days' to be thin by now or at least to a point where my stomach didn't look like I was 6 months pregnant! Of course I'm exaggerating based on what my 'vision in the mirror' reveals mixed with shame and a distant guilt from never being able to 'control' myself and be a successful 'normal' eater.
And I mention all that so I can continue to put it behind me moment by moment. All these bad negative thoughts. But at times it's hard when you are hot and feel blubbery on top of being hot. I felt a lot less gross when I was thinner and hot! ha... You gotta laugh at me. At any rate, the truth of this entire matter is that I have a dis-ease and I'm not ashamed of it. It is what it is and man has it really brought me to my knees over and over... seared my pride and continued to humble me. And as I go along continuing my abstinence I expect to learn more and more from this intense teacher I seem to have been born with. Bad Brain chemistry 101. "Yes... right down the hall there... go on in and sign up for a life time of confusion. When you surrender you will move on into Acceptance and Action 101 upstairs in room 2." "You can backslide at any moment, so make sure to say this prayer everyday... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Today on the scale I remained the same. 3 lbs down. I did my sauna and held to my bottom line, and went about my daily business amazed at how grounded I continue to feel even though I did not sleep enough last night. Normally when I don't sleep enough I crave to keep eating. Today I didn't crave to keep eating.
Thanks God for this day and a good nights sleep tonight. Thanks for good love and friends. Thank you for my life.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Pounds down... Day 10
Didn't post yesterday except on my Meals Post.
I wanted to quickly put this down today and I will add to it later. Got up and weighed and have come down 3 lbs. Yesterday I had come down two. I am in that period of time where I know alot of this is water weight and also finishing up my cycle. But it's still nice to see the loss. The most important thing of all is how I'm feeling which is very grounded within my mind and emotional body.
I can't keep track of what happened yesterday and tonight I have to run and work on music stuff for the studio tomorrow!
I'm so happy Pat posted to the blog! (see Day 8). It's so nice to have a pal online sharing feelings and experiences and working toward being healthy and happy. Thank you Pat.
I'm grateful for yet another day being abstinent and all the other good things that happened today like breathing and feeling the nice weather and my hubby's love. The only thing is my body still hurts all over. I was talking to hubby today about it and remembering that last time my iron was high I was experiencing this.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I wanted to quickly put this down today and I will add to it later. Got up and weighed and have come down 3 lbs. Yesterday I had come down two. I am in that period of time where I know alot of this is water weight and also finishing up my cycle. But it's still nice to see the loss. The most important thing of all is how I'm feeling which is very grounded within my mind and emotional body.
I can't keep track of what happened yesterday and tonight I have to run and work on music stuff for the studio tomorrow!
I'm so happy Pat posted to the blog! (see Day 8). It's so nice to have a pal online sharing feelings and experiences and working toward being healthy and happy. Thank you Pat.
I'm grateful for yet another day being abstinent and all the other good things that happened today like breathing and feeling the nice weather and my hubby's love. The only thing is my body still hurts all over. I was talking to hubby today about it and remembering that last time my iron was high I was experiencing this.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Monday, August 11, 2008
Day 8
Body aching all over today. Now I'm thinking maybe I've got too much iron build up in my blood. I have hemochromotosis and that's when you don't process iron and it builds up and causes body pain. I am hurting so bad from my back pain and my neck is very tense and causing a low level tension headache. I finally took iburprofen as nothing works when I reach this state. I'd love a hot bath but I know I need to ice my back for the inflammation this pain is causing.
We were in the studio today working on the final song of the CD. It went well. I noticed how calm and grounded I felt. I can only thank God because I know it's from my abstinence. I was very present and other than my pain felt happy. Peaceful. Surrendering to what was happening.
I weighed again today and the scale still showed the same weight. But I have no attachment to it. I'm not freaked or anything. My tummy is horribly swollen as well for no particular reason. I am wrapping up my monthly cycle so I'm thinking things will level out in a day or so.
I got home from the studio around 4pm famished but knowing I would be eating dinner soon. After some pondering on what I could do to curb the hunger without eating, I drank a bit of grape juice/seltzer mix. It did the trick and I was able to cook up the hamburgers and kale and sit down to a nice moderate abstinent meal. Happy face.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
We were in the studio today working on the final song of the CD. It went well. I noticed how calm and grounded I felt. I can only thank God because I know it's from my abstinence. I was very present and other than my pain felt happy. Peaceful. Surrendering to what was happening.
I weighed again today and the scale still showed the same weight. But I have no attachment to it. I'm not freaked or anything. My tummy is horribly swollen as well for no particular reason. I am wrapping up my monthly cycle so I'm thinking things will level out in a day or so.
I got home from the studio around 4pm famished but knowing I would be eating dinner soon. After some pondering on what I could do to curb the hunger without eating, I drank a bit of grape juice/seltzer mix. It did the trick and I was able to cook up the hamburgers and kale and sit down to a nice moderate abstinent meal. Happy face.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Day 7 of Abstinence
So I'm giving myself a token for making it a week. 7 days of abstinence. Today was just a bust as far as sanity. After performances I get completely wiped out the next day. I don't know whether it's my fibromyalgia kicking in or what. My entire body hurts and a dull aching fog bank moves into my brain and doesn't let up until the next morning. At any rate, beyond all that, I was able to hold abstinence. I made it through by listening to my body and going back to bed instead of trying to eat my way through the fatigue. How many times I've done that is not countable. Feeling guilty for not getting stuff done, I would either start in on coffee or sugar or both and of course by the end of the day I was worse than I am now. So I give thanks today that I made it.
I'm also wondering if some of this body pain and fatigue is still due to detoxing from eating bad. I mean you don't get over bad eating in a week. But the only thing I know to do is to keep moving forward holding on to my abstinence for dear life, knowing I will get to feeling better and better as time moves forward.
I did have a moment of wanting to go in and eat today. I mean those cookies are in there and I could have eaten the entire batch. But I turned my attention toward having tea. I spoke with my sister today who is struggling for her life with hep. C and having to deal with the drug they've got her on 'Interferon' which has a 40/50 percent chance of curing her and she is down to 114 lbs at 5'9. The doc did tell her if she didn't gain some weight by the next time he saw her that he was going to take her off the drug. So that scared her into working to force herself to eat.
She also told me about my Mom purchasing a box of Cocoa Krispies and eating the entire box in one sitting. It hurts my heart because I can do nothing for her but pray. She's had this since I've known her and has battled it but won't surrender. She's about to turn 71. I don't know if she is mentally capable of surrendering. She's pretty high strung and anxious and always 'running,' staying so busy that she collapses at the end of the day. Always involved in deep drama. Petty everyday drama. We aren't speaking right now. I invited her to write me a letter when she wants to communicate. She hasn't done it yet. I could die and she wouldn't know it. Or I could look at it like she knows I'm ok. Not sure how to proceed as I've done all I feel I can do for the relationship at this point.
At any rate. Beyond all that, Becky says to get the scale out and weigh yourself. To stop being afraid of it. So yesterday I did and today. Both days showing the same weight. 10 lbs up from where I was the last time I was in 'control' mode. Ha... 'control mode.' Sigh. I'm glad to be done with 'control mode.'
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I'm also wondering if some of this body pain and fatigue is still due to detoxing from eating bad. I mean you don't get over bad eating in a week. But the only thing I know to do is to keep moving forward holding on to my abstinence for dear life, knowing I will get to feeling better and better as time moves forward.
I did have a moment of wanting to go in and eat today. I mean those cookies are in there and I could have eaten the entire batch. But I turned my attention toward having tea. I spoke with my sister today who is struggling for her life with hep. C and having to deal with the drug they've got her on 'Interferon' which has a 40/50 percent chance of curing her and she is down to 114 lbs at 5'9. The doc did tell her if she didn't gain some weight by the next time he saw her that he was going to take her off the drug. So that scared her into working to force herself to eat.
She also told me about my Mom purchasing a box of Cocoa Krispies and eating the entire box in one sitting. It hurts my heart because I can do nothing for her but pray. She's had this since I've known her and has battled it but won't surrender. She's about to turn 71. I don't know if she is mentally capable of surrendering. She's pretty high strung and anxious and always 'running,' staying so busy that she collapses at the end of the day. Always involved in deep drama. Petty everyday drama. We aren't speaking right now. I invited her to write me a letter when she wants to communicate. She hasn't done it yet. I could die and she wouldn't know it. Or I could look at it like she knows I'm ok. Not sure how to proceed as I've done all I feel I can do for the relationship at this point.
At any rate. Beyond all that, Becky says to get the scale out and weigh yourself. To stop being afraid of it. So yesterday I did and today. Both days showing the same weight. 10 lbs up from where I was the last time I was in 'control' mode. Ha... 'control mode.' Sigh. I'm glad to be done with 'control mode.'
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Day 4 - Increased Well Being and Happiness
Well, even throughout my extreme back discomfort which was horrendous last night... couldn't even make it down the stairs without hubby's help, I've had these moments of sunshine sneaking into my brain and bringing me this peaceful joy.
Could it be the 50mg of 5HTP I've started to take at night along with my healthy eating regime? Could it be the freedom abstinence is tasting like for the first time really... I mean... really because I've never let go of the 'why's' and just embraced the 'how's.' There is a huge freedom in letting go of trying to figure it all out and just moving forward with surrender and the current moment at hand.
I don't really know why I have this beautiful calm happiness sneaking into my days, and that is yet another 'why' and so I will just continue to move forward giving thanks.
Along with the happiness is the extreme awareness that has been moving into my thoughts about life for the last several years... a little before my 2nd husbands death, and more afterwards, about how the changes life brings, sting the ole' heart. The constant letting go of people, places, things, memories, as we move forward in our days. There is no holding onto them. They just become old movies and re-runs in the consciousness bringing me a kind of poingent sadness mixed with whatever story they held - whether bad or good. I lay awake many a night pondering this life we take on and move through.
Due to this awareness, I have become increasingly present with what my journey is and how to move through it with grace and humbleness. How to stay motivated to continue to carry on with my work in the world. What else am I here for? I could get distracted with cooking and gardening and reading books but then my voice would not be heard, my stories never told. Maybe for some, that is the journey... but for this soul there is a calling.. a destiny if you will.
I love the place I have come to internally and since being abstinent, I have begun to really let go of my body. I don't mean the desire to keep it healthy and fit but I feel I am letting go of it needing to have the old image in my mind I have carried around for almost 40 years. That is a huge step.
Usually on diet regimes, I immediately begin weighing myself and measuring my body size by trying on my next set of skinny clothes and begin to carry myself differently as I feel the weight loss. But this is a different path now. This is the path to abstinence and sanity. This is not the path to an old model thin image that prances around needing 'lookie-lou' attention from everyone. The old image that says, "because I'm thin, I'm successful in life, and loveable." The old image that says "because I'm thin and wearing the cool thin clothes that I've got my shit together in life."
No this is the pathway to the present moment where I feel whatever I'm feeling and living through it without reaching for food. This is the pathway to the present moment where I am choosing to love myself as I am knowing that I'm ok because I have a disease that I don't have to be ashamed of. That I'm NOT the disease and that with my higher powers help and my willingness to allow that help by surrendering that I can make it to my steak dinner tonight!
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Could it be the 50mg of 5HTP I've started to take at night along with my healthy eating regime? Could it be the freedom abstinence is tasting like for the first time really... I mean... really because I've never let go of the 'why's' and just embraced the 'how's.' There is a huge freedom in letting go of trying to figure it all out and just moving forward with surrender and the current moment at hand.
I don't really know why I have this beautiful calm happiness sneaking into my days, and that is yet another 'why' and so I will just continue to move forward giving thanks.
Along with the happiness is the extreme awareness that has been moving into my thoughts about life for the last several years... a little before my 2nd husbands death, and more afterwards, about how the changes life brings, sting the ole' heart. The constant letting go of people, places, things, memories, as we move forward in our days. There is no holding onto them. They just become old movies and re-runs in the consciousness bringing me a kind of poingent sadness mixed with whatever story they held - whether bad or good. I lay awake many a night pondering this life we take on and move through.
Due to this awareness, I have become increasingly present with what my journey is and how to move through it with grace and humbleness. How to stay motivated to continue to carry on with my work in the world. What else am I here for? I could get distracted with cooking and gardening and reading books but then my voice would not be heard, my stories never told. Maybe for some, that is the journey... but for this soul there is a calling.. a destiny if you will.
I love the place I have come to internally and since being abstinent, I have begun to really let go of my body. I don't mean the desire to keep it healthy and fit but I feel I am letting go of it needing to have the old image in my mind I have carried around for almost 40 years. That is a huge step.
Usually on diet regimes, I immediately begin weighing myself and measuring my body size by trying on my next set of skinny clothes and begin to carry myself differently as I feel the weight loss. But this is a different path now. This is the path to abstinence and sanity. This is not the path to an old model thin image that prances around needing 'lookie-lou' attention from everyone. The old image that says, "because I'm thin, I'm successful in life, and loveable." The old image that says "because I'm thin and wearing the cool thin clothes that I've got my shit together in life."
No this is the pathway to the present moment where I feel whatever I'm feeling and living through it without reaching for food. This is the pathway to the present moment where I am choosing to love myself as I am knowing that I'm ok because I have a disease that I don't have to be ashamed of. That I'm NOT the disease and that with my higher powers help and my willingness to allow that help by surrendering that I can make it to my steak dinner tonight!
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Day 2 and 3 of Abstinence
Well yesterday I was unable to post because of extreme back pain; and the computer being down for an update. So here I am today. So many thoughts go through my head about abstinence and my life during the day and night, it's hard to remember it all and put it down. I guess all I can worry about is right now! :)
Just had lunch and it was fulfilling. I've had two more abstinent days, including today. So 3 altogether. They've been somewhat easy. When I've gotten hungry, I've had a chocolate milk drink or juice or tea. It's kind of weird not just going in and eating whenever the voice comes around. It's like, "Oh, I don't do that anymore." A little sadness around that but a bigger relief later on when I make it through with the small arsenal of tools I'm slowly building.
Music is on my mind. After this I'm going downstairs to work on it. When things worry us, the best thing to do is go and take care of them. Then the worry is lifted. What a concept, huh?! ha..
I feel like I have so much to do. I have to keep reminding myself one moment/day at a time. One chore at a time. Cooking healthy meals is a priority and so is a moderate workout. Once those things are in the bag, then I can move into the other items in order of priority and tell myself after the day is over, "I did the best I could today."
Today I had put out 6 dates to have with butter and hubby commented that I was eating a lot of butter. So I put back 2 or 3 of the dates and just ate what I had prepared. But I didn't let it get to me as far as thinking that it was a diet thing. I did say that the butter probably had 100 calories and then I caught my 'dieting mentality' sneaking in as Becky calls it in her book.
Today I'm also feeling pretty good about my abstinence and my habit is to say... "I am doing fine, I don't need to write or practice any tools," but man... I know that game. For me, that is another voice that slowly takes me into ego land where I'm thinking that "I'm" controlling it and now that it's going good, I can just move on to more important things! NOT! After 100 years of doing that, well, I've learned my lesson and so here I am posting away.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Just had lunch and it was fulfilling. I've had two more abstinent days, including today. So 3 altogether. They've been somewhat easy. When I've gotten hungry, I've had a chocolate milk drink or juice or tea. It's kind of weird not just going in and eating whenever the voice comes around. It's like, "Oh, I don't do that anymore." A little sadness around that but a bigger relief later on when I make it through with the small arsenal of tools I'm slowly building.
Music is on my mind. After this I'm going downstairs to work on it. When things worry us, the best thing to do is go and take care of them. Then the worry is lifted. What a concept, huh?! ha..
I feel like I have so much to do. I have to keep reminding myself one moment/day at a time. One chore at a time. Cooking healthy meals is a priority and so is a moderate workout. Once those things are in the bag, then I can move into the other items in order of priority and tell myself after the day is over, "I did the best I could today."
Today I had put out 6 dates to have with butter and hubby commented that I was eating a lot of butter. So I put back 2 or 3 of the dates and just ate what I had prepared. But I didn't let it get to me as far as thinking that it was a diet thing. I did say that the butter probably had 100 calories and then I caught my 'dieting mentality' sneaking in as Becky calls it in her book.
Today I'm also feeling pretty good about my abstinence and my habit is to say... "I am doing fine, I don't need to write or practice any tools," but man... I know that game. For me, that is another voice that slowly takes me into ego land where I'm thinking that "I'm" controlling it and now that it's going good, I can just move on to more important things! NOT! After 100 years of doing that, well, I've learned my lesson and so here I am posting away.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Monday, August 4, 2008
Day 1 of Abstinence
Well, made it through fairly easy today. Thank God for this. One of those days that comes easy. I was scared all night that I would not do well. I'm really afraid of how deeply this disease has me bound up. I can look back and realize it has been there since I was just a little girl and I've been trying to control it and make excuses for it and on and on and on for about 40 years now. Man... that's a wake up call, huh? I mean this is what really was sobering me was that and that horrid fear and terror I began to have.
Thank God the body begins to ache and cry out for help. Because that too has been getting my numbed out attention. Believe me! I have pains I've never had, happening in the last few months.
Had alot of worries last night and had to keep working to surrender them to God. I grabbed one of my rocks and held on for dear life. Hard night, easy day.
So tonight I'll ground myself some more by reading in Becky's book again or maybe some of her handouts. I've also got to work on my music a bit as that is what is going to buy my food and gas in the future years to come and if I don't work on it, I get to feeling like I'm slackin' off. The Universe wants us to take our steps and then I feel it guides us to the gold. :)
Not much else to say. I am thankful today for "No Ramdon Eating inbetween 3 Moderate Meals." And I am also so grateful for good love in my life, good food, and a beatiful day outside. I'm looking forward to being able to go out and give my voice, performance and writing gifts to the world.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Thank God the body begins to ache and cry out for help. Because that too has been getting my numbed out attention. Believe me! I have pains I've never had, happening in the last few months.
Had alot of worries last night and had to keep working to surrender them to God. I grabbed one of my rocks and held on for dear life. Hard night, easy day.
So tonight I'll ground myself some more by reading in Becky's book again or maybe some of her handouts. I've also got to work on my music a bit as that is what is going to buy my food and gas in the future years to come and if I don't work on it, I get to feeling like I'm slackin' off. The Universe wants us to take our steps and then I feel it guides us to the gold. :)
Not much else to say. I am thankful today for "No Ramdon Eating inbetween 3 Moderate Meals." And I am also so grateful for good love in my life, good food, and a beatiful day outside. I'm looking forward to being able to go out and give my voice, performance and writing gifts to the world.
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Meals
Well it's 8/15/08 and I'm going to pull back from posting my meals unless I begin to get into trouble again. Below are my meals 8/4/08 - my first day of keeping my bottom line! :) to 8/14/08. There are a lot of good meal ideas here if you are so inclined.
8/4/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM:
Egg/Turkey Bacon Sandwich with 2 slices sprouted grain bread, mayo, minced onions, 2 eggs, 2-1/2 slices turkey bacon, romaine; 1/8 cup goji berries; grapefruit juice; vitamins. Had 2 cups of Yerba Mate upon awakening. Feeling - satisfied and full.
Note: Had cravings around 10:30am. Starved them off with cold green tea mixed with almond/cashew milk and stevia.
Lunch 1:30 PM:
Romaine Salad with bacon turkey bits, sesame seeds, red onion, Amy's Poppyseed dressing; 1-1/2 Sardine (in olive oil) patties made with eggs, rice flour, cayenne powder, dried minced onions; mango, pineapple; grape juice and seltzer drink. Feeling - very full and satisfied.
Note: I tried to eat a big lunch because I am always getting hungry around 1-2 hours before dinner.
Afternoon 3:30: Decaf Mocha
Dinner 6:30 PM:
Roasted Leg of Lamb, Sweet Potatoes with Ghee and a bit of agave syrup, oven roasted kale in olive oil and salt; nectarine; pineapple juice with soda water.
________________________________________________________
8/6/08 (Missed posting 8/5)
Breakfast 8:00 AM:
Leg of lamb, 2 eggs, 1 piece of sprouted grain bread with ghee; oven roasted asparagus in olive oil and salt; apricot.
Had 2 cups of Yerba Mate upon awakening with a bit of almond/rice milk.
10:30 AM: Yerba Mate/Bancha tea with almond/rice milk.
Lunch 12:15 PM:
Bowl of homemade chicken and rice soup with rhutabagas, turnips, sweet potatoes, onions, garlic, olive oil, kombu; 4 dates filled with butter; grape/seltzer drink
4:15 PM: Chocolate rice/almond milk with Brewers Yeast, Chia Seeds and Stevia. Had this because I was having hunger pains.
5:30 PM: Stir fry with Applegate Chicken Sausage, Chicken breast meat, onions, garlic, zucchini, pineapple and juice, agave syrup, broccoli, served over millet spiced with seaweed sesame seed sprinkles, salt, and pepper; frozen banana; plain seltzer water.
________________________________________________________
8/7/08
Breakfast 7:30 AM:
(Limited amount of time and on the road for part of the day)
Chocolate Protein Shake with almond/rice/hazelnut milk, brewers yeast, chocolate powder, egg white powder, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, tahini, steiva, 1/2 scoop yammit flakes; 1 piece sprouted grain bread with ghee and almond butter.
Yerba Mate Tea with Stevia
10:45 AM: Grande Decaf Mocha
Lunch 1:30 PM:
Sardine Patty made with rice flour, eggs, minced onions and cayenne powder; Apricot; Manchego Cheese chunk; Sesame Kelp bar; seltzer water.
Dinner 5:30 PM:
Steak cooked in olive oil; Swiss Chard stir fried in ghee, onions, garlic, Arame (kelp); gravy made from agave, beef broth, arrowroot powder, Dr. Bronners Amino's; sweet potato, ghee; homemade ice cream with apricots, bananas and agave syrup.
________________________________________________________
8/8/08
Breakfast 8:00 AM
Stir fried leftover lamb cut into small pieces with garlic, onion, and leftover gravy from last night mixed in with 2 eggs and eggwhites served over millet; oven roasted asparagus; small serving of the apricot/banana ice cream.
Usual morning yerba mate.
Lunch 12:15 PM
Left over stir chicken/sausage stir fry from 8/6; chunk of manchego cheese; small serving of the apricot/banana ice cream with a fresh apricot. Seltzer water.
1:30 PM - Chocolate milk drink made with Hazlenut Milk and Mimic Creme with Stevia and Brewers yeast powder.
Dinner 6:30 PM
Grass fed beef patty made with eggs, chia seeds, goji berries; oven roasted swiss chard made with olive oil and salt; 4 dates with butter; seltzer and grape juice.
________________________________________________________
8/9/08
Breakfast 8:00 AM
Hot rice cereal with banana, blueberries, egg white powder, yammit powder, green tea powder, chia seeds, ghee, pecans, stevia; graprefruit juice. Usual Yerba Mate Tea
Lunch 12:30 PM
1-1/2 Sardine patties; 1 bowl homemade summer squash soup made with butternut squash, sweet potatoes, chicken broth, cinnamon, pepper, ghee, agave; oven roasted asparagus; 4 homemade yammit cookies made rice flour, olive oil, rice flour, yammit flakes, vanilla, egg white protein powder, water, egg. Seltzer water.
4.00 PM - Chocolate milk drink made with Hazlenut Milk and Mimic Creme with Stevia and Brewers yeast powder.
Dinner 7:00 PM
Pineapple/Pumpkin Shake with egg white powder, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, stevia, yammit flakes, tahini, hazelnut milk.
NOTE: Dinner was late due to a music performance scheduled at 9PM. I need to eat light before I sing. Afterwards, I drank another half shake on the way home because of hunger and weakness and had watermelon when I got home. I don't sleep well hungry. So I went into a planned gray area this evening.
________________________________________________________
8/10/08
Breakfast 8:00 AM
Two Eggs, Eggs Whites, 1 piece sprouted grain toast with ghee; banana; nectarine.
Lunch 12:00 Noon
1-1/2 Sardine Patty (see ingredients above); watermelon; oven roasted asparagus in olive oil and salt; 4 yammit cookies (see ingredients above)
Dinner 6:30 PM
Top round sliced thin and cooked in beef broth and olive oil, onions, garlic, swiss chard with gravy made with beef broth, ghee, Dr. Bronners, arrowroot powder, rice; 3 dates with butter.
________________________________________________________
8/11/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM
Two Eggs, 1 Piece sprouted grain toast with ghee; oven roasted asparagus in olive oil and salt; necterine
Lunch 1:30 PM
Chocolate Protein Shake with hazelnut milk, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, egg white protein, chia seeds, tahini, yammit flakes.
Dinner 5:30 PM
Grass fed beef hamburger patty made with eggs, chia seeds, goji berries, seseme seeds, kelp sprinkles, garlic powder, dried minced onions; oven roasted kale in olive oil, watermelon, 2 yammit cookies.
________________________________________________________
8/12/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM
Stir fry with Applegate chicken sausage, turnips, rhutabags, onions, zucchini, eggs, tumeric, ginger powder, cayenne; grapefruit juice, watermelon.
Lunch 12:00 Noon
Pineapple/Pumpkin Shake with egg white powder, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, stevia, yammit flakes, tahini, homemade rice milk. 2 Yammit cookies.
Dinner 5:00 PM
Top round sliced thin and cooked in beef broth and olive oil, onions, garlic, swiss chard with gravy made with beef broth, ghee, Dr. Bronners, arrowroot powder, rice; oven roasted asparagus, banana, necterine.
________________________________________________________
8/13/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM
Stir fry with Applegate chicken sausage, turnips, rhutabags, onions, zucchini, eggs, tumeric, ginger powder, cayenne, Arame (kelp); turkey bacon slices; grapefruit juice, apricot.
Lunch 12:30 Noon
Bowl of homemade chicken and rice soup with rhutabagas, turnips, sweet potatoes, onions, garlic, olive oil, kombu; watermelon.
2:30 Decaf Americano with Cream
4:30 Grape juice with Seltzer water.
Dinner 6:30 PM
Top round sliced thin and cooked in beef broth and olive oil, onions, garlic, swiss chard with gravy made with beef broth, Arame (kelp), ghee, Dr. Bronners, arrowroot powder, rice; oven roasted swiss chard; homemade chocolate fudge.
________________________________________________________
8/14/08
Breakfast
Eggs, Toast with ghee, turkey bacon, over roasted asparagus; banana, nectarine.
Lunch
Sardine patty; blueberries and rice; homemade hocolate fudge.
3:00 - Decaf Mocha
4:00 - Grape Recharge Drink
Dinner
Homemade summer squash soup made with butternut squash, sweet potatoes, chicken broth, cinnamon, pepper, ghee, agave;
Hamburger patty; watermelon; 2 dates with butter.
________________________________________________________
8/4/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM:
Egg/Turkey Bacon Sandwich with 2 slices sprouted grain bread, mayo, minced onions, 2 eggs, 2-1/2 slices turkey bacon, romaine; 1/8 cup goji berries; grapefruit juice; vitamins. Had 2 cups of Yerba Mate upon awakening. Feeling - satisfied and full.
Note: Had cravings around 10:30am. Starved them off with cold green tea mixed with almond/cashew milk and stevia.
Lunch 1:30 PM:
Romaine Salad with bacon turkey bits, sesame seeds, red onion, Amy's Poppyseed dressing; 1-1/2 Sardine (in olive oil) patties made with eggs, rice flour, cayenne powder, dried minced onions; mango, pineapple; grape juice and seltzer drink. Feeling - very full and satisfied.
Note: I tried to eat a big lunch because I am always getting hungry around 1-2 hours before dinner.
Afternoon 3:30: Decaf Mocha
Dinner 6:30 PM:
Roasted Leg of Lamb, Sweet Potatoes with Ghee and a bit of agave syrup, oven roasted kale in olive oil and salt; nectarine; pineapple juice with soda water.
________________________________________________________
8/6/08 (Missed posting 8/5)
Breakfast 8:00 AM:
Leg of lamb, 2 eggs, 1 piece of sprouted grain bread with ghee; oven roasted asparagus in olive oil and salt; apricot.
Had 2 cups of Yerba Mate upon awakening with a bit of almond/rice milk.
10:30 AM: Yerba Mate/Bancha tea with almond/rice milk.
Lunch 12:15 PM:
Bowl of homemade chicken and rice soup with rhutabagas, turnips, sweet potatoes, onions, garlic, olive oil, kombu; 4 dates filled with butter; grape/seltzer drink
4:15 PM: Chocolate rice/almond milk with Brewers Yeast, Chia Seeds and Stevia. Had this because I was having hunger pains.
5:30 PM: Stir fry with Applegate Chicken Sausage, Chicken breast meat, onions, garlic, zucchini, pineapple and juice, agave syrup, broccoli, served over millet spiced with seaweed sesame seed sprinkles, salt, and pepper; frozen banana; plain seltzer water.
________________________________________________________
8/7/08
Breakfast 7:30 AM:
(Limited amount of time and on the road for part of the day)
Chocolate Protein Shake with almond/rice/hazelnut milk, brewers yeast, chocolate powder, egg white powder, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, tahini, steiva, 1/2 scoop yammit flakes; 1 piece sprouted grain bread with ghee and almond butter.
Yerba Mate Tea with Stevia
10:45 AM: Grande Decaf Mocha
Lunch 1:30 PM:
Sardine Patty made with rice flour, eggs, minced onions and cayenne powder; Apricot; Manchego Cheese chunk; Sesame Kelp bar; seltzer water.
Dinner 5:30 PM:
Steak cooked in olive oil; Swiss Chard stir fried in ghee, onions, garlic, Arame (kelp); gravy made from agave, beef broth, arrowroot powder, Dr. Bronners Amino's; sweet potato, ghee; homemade ice cream with apricots, bananas and agave syrup.
________________________________________________________
8/8/08
Breakfast 8:00 AM
Stir fried leftover lamb cut into small pieces with garlic, onion, and leftover gravy from last night mixed in with 2 eggs and eggwhites served over millet; oven roasted asparagus; small serving of the apricot/banana ice cream.
Usual morning yerba mate.
Lunch 12:15 PM
Left over stir chicken/sausage stir fry from 8/6; chunk of manchego cheese; small serving of the apricot/banana ice cream with a fresh apricot. Seltzer water.
1:30 PM - Chocolate milk drink made with Hazlenut Milk and Mimic Creme with Stevia and Brewers yeast powder.
Dinner 6:30 PM
Grass fed beef patty made with eggs, chia seeds, goji berries; oven roasted swiss chard made with olive oil and salt; 4 dates with butter; seltzer and grape juice.
________________________________________________________
8/9/08
Breakfast 8:00 AM
Hot rice cereal with banana, blueberries, egg white powder, yammit powder, green tea powder, chia seeds, ghee, pecans, stevia; graprefruit juice. Usual Yerba Mate Tea
Lunch 12:30 PM
1-1/2 Sardine patties; 1 bowl homemade summer squash soup made with butternut squash, sweet potatoes, chicken broth, cinnamon, pepper, ghee, agave; oven roasted asparagus; 4 homemade yammit cookies made rice flour, olive oil, rice flour, yammit flakes, vanilla, egg white protein powder, water, egg. Seltzer water.
4.00 PM - Chocolate milk drink made with Hazlenut Milk and Mimic Creme with Stevia and Brewers yeast powder.
Dinner 7:00 PM
Pineapple/Pumpkin Shake with egg white powder, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, stevia, yammit flakes, tahini, hazelnut milk.
NOTE: Dinner was late due to a music performance scheduled at 9PM. I need to eat light before I sing. Afterwards, I drank another half shake on the way home because of hunger and weakness and had watermelon when I got home. I don't sleep well hungry. So I went into a planned gray area this evening.
________________________________________________________
8/10/08
Breakfast 8:00 AM
Two Eggs, Eggs Whites, 1 piece sprouted grain toast with ghee; banana; nectarine.
Lunch 12:00 Noon
1-1/2 Sardine Patty (see ingredients above); watermelon; oven roasted asparagus in olive oil and salt; 4 yammit cookies (see ingredients above)
Dinner 6:30 PM
Top round sliced thin and cooked in beef broth and olive oil, onions, garlic, swiss chard with gravy made with beef broth, ghee, Dr. Bronners, arrowroot powder, rice; 3 dates with butter.
________________________________________________________
8/11/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM
Two Eggs, 1 Piece sprouted grain toast with ghee; oven roasted asparagus in olive oil and salt; necterine
Lunch 1:30 PM
Chocolate Protein Shake with hazelnut milk, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, egg white protein, chia seeds, tahini, yammit flakes.
Dinner 5:30 PM
Grass fed beef hamburger patty made with eggs, chia seeds, goji berries, seseme seeds, kelp sprinkles, garlic powder, dried minced onions; oven roasted kale in olive oil, watermelon, 2 yammit cookies.
________________________________________________________
8/12/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM
Stir fry with Applegate chicken sausage, turnips, rhutabags, onions, zucchini, eggs, tumeric, ginger powder, cayenne; grapefruit juice, watermelon.
Lunch 12:00 Noon
Pineapple/Pumpkin Shake with egg white powder, green tea powder, ground flaxseeds, stevia, yammit flakes, tahini, homemade rice milk. 2 Yammit cookies.
Dinner 5:00 PM
Top round sliced thin and cooked in beef broth and olive oil, onions, garlic, swiss chard with gravy made with beef broth, ghee, Dr. Bronners, arrowroot powder, rice; oven roasted asparagus, banana, necterine.
________________________________________________________
8/13/08
Breakfast 8:30 AM
Stir fry with Applegate chicken sausage, turnips, rhutabags, onions, zucchini, eggs, tumeric, ginger powder, cayenne, Arame (kelp); turkey bacon slices; grapefruit juice, apricot.
Lunch 12:30 Noon
Bowl of homemade chicken and rice soup with rhutabagas, turnips, sweet potatoes, onions, garlic, olive oil, kombu; watermelon.
2:30 Decaf Americano with Cream
4:30 Grape juice with Seltzer water.
Dinner 6:30 PM
Top round sliced thin and cooked in beef broth and olive oil, onions, garlic, swiss chard with gravy made with beef broth, Arame (kelp), ghee, Dr. Bronners, arrowroot powder, rice; oven roasted swiss chard; homemade chocolate fudge.
________________________________________________________
8/14/08
Breakfast
Eggs, Toast with ghee, turkey bacon, over roasted asparagus; banana, nectarine.
Lunch
Sardine patty; blueberries and rice; homemade hocolate fudge.
3:00 - Decaf Mocha
4:00 - Grape Recharge Drink
Dinner
Homemade summer squash soup made with butternut squash, sweet potatoes, chicken broth, cinnamon, pepper, ghee, agave;
Hamburger patty; watermelon; 2 dates with butter.
________________________________________________________
Sunday, August 3, 2008
New Direction
Well, it's been a couple of days and I've actually sat down here to start and then gotten up. There is so much I could write. In the last couple of days, however, I feel I've been pushed heavily up against the inside of my skin with this disease. And it is a disease. I feel like I don't know how to eat anymore. I can't diet. I won't diet. And yet whenever I get a craving or one of those moments hit me, I'm off to the kitchen. I have begun to feel so horrified inside about it all. Where to turn... what to do now. I feel like I'm being controlled by someone or something else when it comes to food. I'm as wobbly as a drunk on the street who spends his last dollar on cheap wine instead of a good meal.
Last night, awakening in a somewhat resolved and terrorized state, I came upstairs and pulled a book out of the bookshelve entitled "Dieting - A Dry Drunk" by Becky Lu Jackson. (http://www.dietingrecovery.com)
I had purchased this book in 2004, the year my 2nd husband passed away from cancer. I dived into it and tried to work it as much as my grief and on the fence recovery would allow but it was not time yet. I had to fall deeper into what Becky Lu calls a bottom line. Now 4 years later, I'm ready. I'm bold to be making that strong statement... "I'm Ready," but I am. I feel wobbly, uncertain and unsure that I can make it, but the determination is there and this time there is a resolved and true ache to heal. I have come to realize how serious my eating addiction disease is and how it has had me by the throat my entire life, with me all the while thinking I could try and control it and if only certain things would happen, I could get happy and then I wouldn't have the cravings and on and on. I have been studying the 'why's of my addiction all of my life. One important thing that stuck me upon this review of Becky's book was that she leads you to work on the "how's." To concentrate on "how to get better." "How to arrest the disease."
So I'm glad I didn't write these last couple of days, as I would have been going on and on about my stuggle and being a victum to this cunning baffling demon and all the why's of I fail and I would talk about more of my 'moments,' instead of switching directions and beginning to write about my recovery. Yes my recovery.
Today I didn't seem to make good progress on it. But I will take that back and say that I read the 1st 5 chapters again, and wrote out a bottom line abstenience and because aware of that bottom line which is no ramdom eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day.
When making the appetitizer for the neighborhood gathering, I kept thinking of my bottom line and at the end of making it, I ended up eating some of it. So I quickly decided to make that my lunch and added a couple of other items to make it a fully moderate lunch. And I made it through the afternoon with only tea until the gathering. And then I got lost in the food at the gathering and didn't maintain my bottom line.
I don't know what to say about it. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I know I'm not to have guilt but just awareness. And I'm not going to get into the big why about it. I'm just going to move back to the 'hows.'
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Last night, awakening in a somewhat resolved and terrorized state, I came upstairs and pulled a book out of the bookshelve entitled "Dieting - A Dry Drunk" by Becky Lu Jackson. (http://www.dietingrecovery.com)
I had purchased this book in 2004, the year my 2nd husband passed away from cancer. I dived into it and tried to work it as much as my grief and on the fence recovery would allow but it was not time yet. I had to fall deeper into what Becky Lu calls a bottom line. Now 4 years later, I'm ready. I'm bold to be making that strong statement... "I'm Ready," but I am. I feel wobbly, uncertain and unsure that I can make it, but the determination is there and this time there is a resolved and true ache to heal. I have come to realize how serious my eating addiction disease is and how it has had me by the throat my entire life, with me all the while thinking I could try and control it and if only certain things would happen, I could get happy and then I wouldn't have the cravings and on and on. I have been studying the 'why's of my addiction all of my life. One important thing that stuck me upon this review of Becky's book was that she leads you to work on the "how's." To concentrate on "how to get better." "How to arrest the disease."
So I'm glad I didn't write these last couple of days, as I would have been going on and on about my stuggle and being a victum to this cunning baffling demon and all the why's of I fail and I would talk about more of my 'moments,' instead of switching directions and beginning to write about my recovery. Yes my recovery.
Today I didn't seem to make good progress on it. But I will take that back and say that I read the 1st 5 chapters again, and wrote out a bottom line abstenience and because aware of that bottom line which is no ramdom eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day.
When making the appetitizer for the neighborhood gathering, I kept thinking of my bottom line and at the end of making it, I ended up eating some of it. So I quickly decided to make that my lunch and added a couple of other items to make it a fully moderate lunch. And I made it through the afternoon with only tea until the gathering. And then I got lost in the food at the gathering and didn't maintain my bottom line.
I don't know what to say about it. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I know I'm not to have guilt but just awareness. And I'm not going to get into the big why about it. I'm just going to move back to the 'hows.'
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Committment to Healing
So I've been attempting for several months now, maybe even a couple of years, to start a diary of sorts about the personal issues I face that revolve around eating. I would start up a Word Perfect page and than abandon it after a day or two. When I would do it, it would really help me; and I would write way more than expected. Many other things besides the binge I had, or overly large meal I ate would come out on the page.
So here I am beginning this blog and hoping to have lots of interaction and a support group of sorts so that I won't abandon the project and we won't abandon one another.
Another way I sabatoge my efforts to heal is this false hope I wake up to every morning. Feeling like today is the day, I'm going to get my shit together and feeling that I have the strength and willpower to do it. I don't surrender to God.. I just boldly and arrogantly go forward in my day thinking I've got it together. Then when I happen to have one of those 'moments,' and you must know the moments I'm referring to... the moment that comes out of no where and wants something sweet and gooey or something crunchy and salty or whatever that 'moment' wants, begs for, demands, insists upon, won't let you alone until you give in... Well, when that moment comes, I've forgotten that I need to surrender that voice to God and pray for release... I've forgotten all about the good tools I can use toward my freedom, toward my health and sanity, and I give in. That my friends is a sad situation because all of my good egotistical intent upon awakening was as weak as a sand castle coming down in a tiny windstorm.
My husband once told me that addicts were very egotistical. I now understand what he meant. We think we can handle it. Opps... let me speak for myself here... I think I can handle it. I think just because I have one good day of white knuckling it, or even a week or a month of freedom from the cravings, that I finally have the demon beat down. NOT. He's just sitting in the background of my mind laughing at my puffed up state of insecurity that he is going to blow down during any of my weakest moments - one of which happens to be in mid-afternoon.
Mid-Afternoon. Not a good memory for me growing up. That was when school was over and I had to go home to a very unhappy home. Mid-Afternoon.. that was when my ex-husband left for work and I was deeply lonely - happy to see him go because even when he was there, I was deeply lonely. Mid-Afternoon, when my second huband died of cancer as I was trying to rush home to be with him in that moment and didn't make it.
Yes the demon of addiction loves my 'mid-afternoon' moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)