Well, even throughout my extreme back discomfort which was horrendous last night... couldn't even make it down the stairs without hubby's help, I've had these moments of sunshine sneaking into my brain and bringing me this peaceful joy.
Could it be the 50mg of 5HTP I've started to take at night along with my healthy eating regime? Could it be the freedom abstinence is tasting like for the first time really... I mean... really because I've never let go of the 'why's' and just embraced the 'how's.' There is a huge freedom in letting go of trying to figure it all out and just moving forward with surrender and the current moment at hand.
I don't really know why I have this beautiful calm happiness sneaking into my days, and that is yet another 'why' and so I will just continue to move forward giving thanks.
Along with the happiness is the extreme awareness that has been moving into my thoughts about life for the last several years... a little before my 2nd husbands death, and more afterwards, about how the changes life brings, sting the ole' heart. The constant letting go of people, places, things, memories, as we move forward in our days. There is no holding onto them. They just become old movies and re-runs in the consciousness bringing me a kind of poingent sadness mixed with whatever story they held - whether bad or good. I lay awake many a night pondering this life we take on and move through.
Due to this awareness, I have become increasingly present with what my journey is and how to move through it with grace and humbleness. How to stay motivated to continue to carry on with my work in the world. What else am I here for? I could get distracted with cooking and gardening and reading books but then my voice would not be heard, my stories never told. Maybe for some, that is the journey... but for this soul there is a calling.. a destiny if you will.
I love the place I have come to internally and since being abstinent, I have begun to really let go of my body. I don't mean the desire to keep it healthy and fit but I feel I am letting go of it needing to have the old image in my mind I have carried around for almost 40 years. That is a huge step.
Usually on diet regimes, I immediately begin weighing myself and measuring my body size by trying on my next set of skinny clothes and begin to carry myself differently as I feel the weight loss. But this is a different path now. This is the path to abstinence and sanity. This is not the path to an old model thin image that prances around needing 'lookie-lou' attention from everyone. The old image that says, "because I'm thin, I'm successful in life, and loveable." The old image that says "because I'm thin and wearing the cool thin clothes that I've got my shit together in life."
No this is the pathway to the present moment where I feel whatever I'm feeling and living through it without reaching for food. This is the pathway to the present moment where I am choosing to love myself as I am knowing that I'm ok because I have a disease that I don't have to be ashamed of. That I'm NOT the disease and that with my higher powers help and my willingness to allow that help by surrendering that I can make it to my steak dinner tonight!
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment