On the other thread I am on... someone had written in asking for 'self-help' suggestions for emotional eating. I, of course, recommended Becky's book "Dieting, A Dry Drunk." Someone else recommended "Feeding the hungry heart" by Geneen Roth."
This got me on a rant as follows, that I felt had some great info. in it for this thread:
Read that back in my 'therapy days.' Great book. But I wasn't 'clean' when I read it. I was still eating emotionally and badly. My personal belief gleaned from Becky's book and my own years of humble experience is that just like a drunk cannot go into therapy while still drinking... neither can emotional or overeaters or anyone with an eating problem go into therapy when still indulging. You can, but the therapy itself usually won't stop the disease.
And I'm not saying 'don't read it,' nor am I saying it won't do you any good... but all of those books and all of the therapy I did for years and years, did not stop my eating issues of eating for every emotional reason under the sun. I 'understood' why I was eating because of the therapy and the books, but it did not stop the disease.
My experience is, one has to find a place to stop the madness of eating before one can begin to address some of the emotional aspects driving the disease. When one's mind is clear and free from the brain chemistry ups and downs, one can truly 'see' and 'feel' what's going on.
Part of the entire issue, again from my own years of trying like a desperate mad woman to figure out my problem, is that when your brain chemistry is whacked from sugar and bad food, you don't think straight, act right, sleep right, your hormones are messed up causing additional emotional and physical problems, etc., etc.
Again, to first get clean from the overeating and emotional eating, allows one to really see what the issues might be.
It's not an easy road in, but for me, it's been the only road in after years of trying every type of therapy out there while still eating away thinking 'if I just figured out what my problems are,' or 'if I just got the right job,' or 'if I just got the right husband,' or if I just got the... right whatever!' Or 'as soon as my bills are paid,' 'or as soon as my kid leaves home' or 'as soon as tomorrow looks better,' I'll be able to get this eating under control.' Or the big one.. "If I just lost weight, then by gosh, I'd be able to love myself and then really 'control' my eating."
And the others: "I deserve this." "I'm under too much stress today, I have to eat." "Just today... because my work load is too much and I'm tired, so I'll eat this candy and drink this coffee to help me make it through, and then tomorrow I'll start clean."
None of that goes away. Life never stops. Stress never stops. And so the emotional eating will never stop because there will never be a tomorrow that is good enough. That voice will drive one for an entire lifetime unless one begins to recognize what is going on. It drove me for 40 years. 40 years of my life on the horrid roller coaster of "trying to control it," feeling ashamed of my body, of my self, feeling guilty because "I" couldn't get it right!
Becky's book and website may scare some because it calls the eating issue a disease or an addiction and many people don't want to even consider that there might be a deeper issue called an addition or disease - I mean it's just eating, right? But my testimony says 'give it a chance.' It's a cheap book and if you don't recognize yourself and your eating issues in the first chapter, put it on a shelve and forget all I have told you. But don't throw it out.
I bought this book 5 years ago, once again desperate and at the height of yet another round of binging because my husband was dieing (and that was my big excuse to eat), and yes it's a good one but no excuse is good enough now for me now that I understand about emotional eating and how it can eventually kill. But I bought the book and recognized myself and the issues right there in the first chapter, and at the time began to try and get clean, but I kept making those excuses to eat. I didn't 'get it' yet.
I put it on the shelve. (I'm so glad I didn't throw it away).
5 years later (2 months ago), I pulled it out again and I 'got it.'
Now almost two months clean from emotional eating and binging and not one binge of junk has happened. Not even any desire for any junk food or sugar.
I attribute this to three things... One - 'getting it.' Understanding and surrendering to the fact that I indeed had an issue with 'eating over anything and nothing,' and I was driven by that voice making excuses to eat. I listened to it and caved every time. Even if I knew it was not right, I caved.
The 2nd thing is, Dr. D's GTD which has completely stablized my brain chemistry and given me the tools to handle the stresses and ups and downs of the days. When the voices do come now, I can walk away from them and 'handle life on life's terms.' Which means... life is going to throw everything my way... ups and downs... bad days and good... do I eat over them... no. This is accepting life on life's terms and moving forward without eating over it.
And three, God's help. I give thanks every day, every moment that I have no cravings. That I feel 'sane' for once in my life. And I stay humble about it. Because the minute I think "I've" got it sussed, the minute I think "I'm in control here" the voice will sneak back in and bite my big ego and the possibility of falling down into the dark hole again becomes a huge threat.
Therapy? Well, I haven't needed any yet. I have a very supporting loving husband who has been clean from alcohol for 25 years and was involved in the 12 step way back when so he understands and supports me and listens and we talk through everything. I do use Becky's workbook... she has a workbook that helps you walk through your issues as you read the main book. I haven't used it much but I plan to.
I have a terrible stress going on right now. My sister is near death and my Mother is acting out in weird ways and my sisters kids are stealing her food stamp cards and all this huge drama is going on. I have awful ups and downs in my heart and gut from it all, but not once have I wanted to eat over it.
At any rate... I've gotten way away from myself here at 5:30 in the morning, so I'll stop. I hope that some of what I have said helps someone someday. And if not, it sure helped me to write it. To share and give of ones story/testimony is a healing and a reinforcement of the souls journey.
Blessings...
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Day 55 and Over Due Check In!!!
Well I'm behind! Life has been keeping me swamped with getting the new CD ready. We are in the final push to get the artwork and all the songs to press so that we can have a release by end of October so my little blog entries have been suffering.
At any rate, I'm still abstinent with my bottom line of "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." And that is a miracle. A miracle I am most grateful for. I am grateful for so many things in my life, but this gift of being abstinent is the newest gift in my life after 40 years of overeating, binging, dieting, and secretly being horribly shamed with hand wringing guilt that slowly eats away at any self confidence or pride in who one is as a person.
I am more relieved and feel more free everyday. But I hold tight to my bottom line because I know the disease can rear it's secret subtle voice at any time whispering that one extra bite or one additional meal or 'this time only' won't matter. Bull... after 40 years of those voices controlling my life... I turn away from them gently and go on with my day. Thank you God. Thank you God.
I must admit, when I re-read my 30 days of Abstinence post I certainly was on the "Pink Cloud" Becky talks about in her book and subsequently felt a bit of a let down after the big build up in my mind to make it to that point. It felt like I had been on a bit of a 'diet' going toward a goal and then when I reached the goal, the old voice said... "Ok, now what?" "This isn't fun anymore... you can't even celebrate with a bunch of junk food or anything!" HA! I saw the moment for what it was because I had Becky's book and I read about the "Pink Cloud" and it helped me re-adjust to the fact that this is a way of life from now until forever, not something I'm going to let go of after I reach 30 days of being clean or 60 or 1 year or even 5 years. This is my life now. "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
One thing I have done for my afternoon sugar drop is I drink some juice with some green veggi powder added. This gets me past the 3:30 slump I experience to dinner. I was really struggling before. It's a great solution if you indeed have issues with low blood sugar in the late afternoons.
My weight is holding steady and I feel I've lost more but since (once again), I'm only 3 days away from my monthly cycle, I know I have extra weight from hormonal activity going on. But I feel I've lost at least 2 lbs this month. I've been working with some meal moderation issues especially when we traveled to Oregon recently, if I'm honest, I can say that a couple of my meals were slightly over moderate. So live and learn and re-adjust and keep truckin' forward!
The most important change has been my mental stability in the last month. I feel balanced, calm, ready for action and totally committed to my health and work in the world which is my music.
Thank you Becky once again for your great insight. I feel your book and the way your wrote it and the issues it addresses were and are a gift from God. In all the eating/dieting books I've read I've never found one that addresses these deep issues surrounding eating like yours does.
And of course another hand clap as well for Dr. Dadamo and his wonderful Blood Type Diet/Geno Type Diet Science work. Between these two tools, I am continuing to find my life and my sanity.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
At any rate, I'm still abstinent with my bottom line of "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." And that is a miracle. A miracle I am most grateful for. I am grateful for so many things in my life, but this gift of being abstinent is the newest gift in my life after 40 years of overeating, binging, dieting, and secretly being horribly shamed with hand wringing guilt that slowly eats away at any self confidence or pride in who one is as a person.
I am more relieved and feel more free everyday. But I hold tight to my bottom line because I know the disease can rear it's secret subtle voice at any time whispering that one extra bite or one additional meal or 'this time only' won't matter. Bull... after 40 years of those voices controlling my life... I turn away from them gently and go on with my day. Thank you God. Thank you God.
I must admit, when I re-read my 30 days of Abstinence post I certainly was on the "Pink Cloud" Becky talks about in her book and subsequently felt a bit of a let down after the big build up in my mind to make it to that point. It felt like I had been on a bit of a 'diet' going toward a goal and then when I reached the goal, the old voice said... "Ok, now what?" "This isn't fun anymore... you can't even celebrate with a bunch of junk food or anything!" HA! I saw the moment for what it was because I had Becky's book and I read about the "Pink Cloud" and it helped me re-adjust to the fact that this is a way of life from now until forever, not something I'm going to let go of after I reach 30 days of being clean or 60 or 1 year or even 5 years. This is my life now. "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
One thing I have done for my afternoon sugar drop is I drink some juice with some green veggi powder added. This gets me past the 3:30 slump I experience to dinner. I was really struggling before. It's a great solution if you indeed have issues with low blood sugar in the late afternoons.
My weight is holding steady and I feel I've lost more but since (once again), I'm only 3 days away from my monthly cycle, I know I have extra weight from hormonal activity going on. But I feel I've lost at least 2 lbs this month. I've been working with some meal moderation issues especially when we traveled to Oregon recently, if I'm honest, I can say that a couple of my meals were slightly over moderate. So live and learn and re-adjust and keep truckin' forward!
The most important change has been my mental stability in the last month. I feel balanced, calm, ready for action and totally committed to my health and work in the world which is my music.
Thank you Becky once again for your great insight. I feel your book and the way your wrote it and the issues it addresses were and are a gift from God. In all the eating/dieting books I've read I've never found one that addresses these deep issues surrounding eating like yours does.
And of course another hand clap as well for Dr. Dadamo and his wonderful Blood Type Diet/Geno Type Diet Science work. Between these two tools, I am continuing to find my life and my sanity.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Friday, September 19, 2008
Day 47 and an Enlightening Conversation
Below is an interaction from another board I'm a member of that I felt was a very important conversation to post here - the paragraphs in italics are the person's original comments followed by my response in regular font.
Funky Muse, I just saw this thread!
My personal experience: I dont consciously reach out for black dots. Stuff like Spelt, Oats etc., make me wheez. Stuff like lentils give me gas. Stuff like egg plant, yard long beans, spinach, carrots etc., which used to be my favourites, just dont have any flavour anymore! However, I reserve these vegetables & lentils for visits. Coffee makes me sleepy. Certain black dot nuts dont give obvious reactions but certain others make me burp and gives me indigestion. Same for black dot fruits.
I don't even eat these things anymore! I tried to give carrots a go but they were not interesting. I haven't touched spelt or oats in awhile now. The black dots I have to be careful with are the ones I enjoy like Avocado and Apricots and Necterines! But I'm working to stay away from those right now as an experiment to see if my weight or other health issues change. It's complicated for me because of this hemochromatosis which makes me feel awful all over if I have too much Iron which i do presently.
As for oils & ghee, I have a personal rule of making these good fats 20% of my meal. It's something that I picked up in the ER/LR book. Infact, without getting too hung upon numbers, I personally follow this: 40% protein, 30% Carbs from fruits & veggies, 10% Carbs from grains and 20% fats. I've played around with it and have found this ratio to sit well with me.
I can't do any percentages or measurements due to my addiction habits and patterns from the past. It really kicks in 'dieting mentality' for me and that is one thing I'm working to stay abstinent from. You see, for most folks who are addicts, 'diets' were a way to control their issues rather than deal with them. The 'diet' became the focus rather than just working to find a bottom line of abstinence to stick with, eating right and exercising and then beginning to deal with emotional issues.
One cannot deal with interior emotional pain and past trauma when one is drunk (or brain chemistry altered from bad food or illusionary low calorie dieting). When you are eating junk and binging you are drunk. You are brain chemistry altered. Also when you are 'dieting' per se' with the glorious illusion of permanent weight loss and 'finally getting control' of your eating hanging over your head, you are drunk. (you are brain chemistry altered by the illusion that you are going to get it right this time). You are in illusion land. Because what it truly takes is just settling down into a routine of taking the time to make sure you stick with your bottom line abstinence (mine is 3 moderate meals per day with no random eating inbetween NO MATTER WHAT); and focusing on the 1st step toward freedom from crazed and controlled eating. As your brain chemistry balances and you get into a rhythm with your meal planning and eating moderately, then you can begin to dig into working on emotional issues.
Most folks try to do it all at once and it's virtually impossible until you reach a strong place with your abstinence away from junk eating or grazing, and 'dieting mentality.'
As for exercise, it's funny really. Up until about 2 months ago exercise was part and parcel of my life. Something natural, like breathing. Then I developed some imbalances and in order to take care of it I had to stay away from physical straining...but I continued eating my diamonds and super foods. Black dots would creep in from time to time when eating out.
What I noticed last weekend was that I had lost almost 2kg, and my clothes continue to hang on me. There is more definition in my physique, and that helps when you're slightly taller than 5 feet with a short torso
Over at our Fresh Start Week thread, Lakeslady, another Hunter, has been off exercises for similar reasons, but she's been eating fairly well, and she remarked that she had lost weight without even trying.
I know that when you don't exercise you loose muscle weight and mass so most likely that is what is happening. Also your body might tend to store more muscle fluids when exercising on a regular basis.
I'm not even trying to lose weight. It isnt my goal. I look at the food lists and I know what my limits are and what my options are. If I find a recipe which calls for a black dot, I would sub it with a diamond or a super bennie. At the most a neutral. Black dots appear benign...but for me personally they turn around and bite me!
In reading your posts over the course of my time here, I think you are doing a great job. It gets back to what we each are facing personally.
Some folks like Rex can gain weight and then decide to stop and they have luck with it. For addicts or folks that are facing really bad brain chemistry upset with adrenals and hormonal issues, that ability to just stop is not there. It's not about willpower. The body DEMANDS it's sugar and junk when it is off balance. There is no stopping it at times. I have been in that position thousands of times.
My 1st husband decided he was not going to smoke anymore and that was it. Others have to go wear patches and chew gum to try and make it through. My 2nd husband found himself in the gutter in Mexico after an all night drinking binge and decided right there he was going to stop drinking. Others have to go through massive rehap and 12 step programs.
There is no 'one way' out for anyone. Each person has to reach a 'bottom' with their eating, even if they are not sugar or junk addicts per se' before they can truly make a long term life change.
Me, it took 35 years of back and forth and back and forth thinking I could control it with this diet or that diet or this pill or that one, or eat only pizza on fridays, or starving one day a week or whatever crazy thing it was. FOR YEARS I played games with myself.
It's not about weight loss. The weight loss will come on it's own when other things are lined up. And if it doesn't than either the meals are too big or other factors or involved that one has to carefully look at. Like maybe your body likes being that weight naturally. It's about body and mind health. If one keeps messing around with bad foods to a huge degree they will go back and forth messing up their brain chemistry and then it takes 2 or 3 days to get it back to a place of stability again. It's a ruthless cycle. And millions of people do this. No only obese folks or addicts. Regular people mess around and mess around and mess around.
I think that Dr. D's suggestion that 4 or 5 times a week of non-compliance is a normal occurence for one who is working to stay compliant. But beyond that, one is beginning to play a serious game of losing balance with food which in turn plays huge havoc on the ability to stay sane with food, brain chemistry, adrenal and hormonal issues.
Now I have a simple existence with food. I have my bottom line abstinence rule and I have my good eating plan from the GTD.
This does not make me a saint or a big ego blasting mouth here... It means I had the fear of God rise up in me one night as I looked back over my life and realized how many years I had been messing around and not finding a place to stay sane. My body hurt, I felt awful most days, and I felt mentally crazy around food and trying to control it all.
I surrendered, admitted I obviously had issues, established my bottom line abstinence (with the help of Becky Jackson's book), got my GTD eating in gear and here I am working toward my 60 days of abstinence from 'dieting' and binging.
I have great compassion for myself and all who are suffering from the back and forth game of trying to get balance in their lifes with food. It can be a lifetime roller coaster ride.
Group hug... ?
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Funky Muse, I just saw this thread!
My personal experience: I dont consciously reach out for black dots. Stuff like Spelt, Oats etc., make me wheez. Stuff like lentils give me gas. Stuff like egg plant, yard long beans, spinach, carrots etc., which used to be my favourites, just dont have any flavour anymore! However, I reserve these vegetables & lentils for visits. Coffee makes me sleepy. Certain black dot nuts dont give obvious reactions but certain others make me burp and gives me indigestion. Same for black dot fruits.
I don't even eat these things anymore! I tried to give carrots a go but they were not interesting. I haven't touched spelt or oats in awhile now. The black dots I have to be careful with are the ones I enjoy like Avocado and Apricots and Necterines! But I'm working to stay away from those right now as an experiment to see if my weight or other health issues change. It's complicated for me because of this hemochromatosis which makes me feel awful all over if I have too much Iron which i do presently.
As for oils & ghee, I have a personal rule of making these good fats 20% of my meal. It's something that I picked up in the ER/LR book. Infact, without getting too hung upon numbers, I personally follow this: 40% protein, 30% Carbs from fruits & veggies, 10% Carbs from grains and 20% fats. I've played around with it and have found this ratio to sit well with me.
I can't do any percentages or measurements due to my addiction habits and patterns from the past. It really kicks in 'dieting mentality' for me and that is one thing I'm working to stay abstinent from. You see, for most folks who are addicts, 'diets' were a way to control their issues rather than deal with them. The 'diet' became the focus rather than just working to find a bottom line of abstinence to stick with, eating right and exercising and then beginning to deal with emotional issues.
One cannot deal with interior emotional pain and past trauma when one is drunk (or brain chemistry altered from bad food or illusionary low calorie dieting). When you are eating junk and binging you are drunk. You are brain chemistry altered. Also when you are 'dieting' per se' with the glorious illusion of permanent weight loss and 'finally getting control' of your eating hanging over your head, you are drunk. (you are brain chemistry altered by the illusion that you are going to get it right this time). You are in illusion land. Because what it truly takes is just settling down into a routine of taking the time to make sure you stick with your bottom line abstinence (mine is 3 moderate meals per day with no random eating inbetween NO MATTER WHAT); and focusing on the 1st step toward freedom from crazed and controlled eating. As your brain chemistry balances and you get into a rhythm with your meal planning and eating moderately, then you can begin to dig into working on emotional issues.
Most folks try to do it all at once and it's virtually impossible until you reach a strong place with your abstinence away from junk eating or grazing, and 'dieting mentality.'
As for exercise, it's funny really. Up until about 2 months ago exercise was part and parcel of my life. Something natural, like breathing. Then I developed some imbalances and in order to take care of it I had to stay away from physical straining...but I continued eating my diamonds and super foods. Black dots would creep in from time to time when eating out.
What I noticed last weekend was that I had lost almost 2kg, and my clothes continue to hang on me. There is more definition in my physique, and that helps when you're slightly taller than 5 feet with a short torso
Over at our Fresh Start Week thread, Lakeslady, another Hunter, has been off exercises for similar reasons, but she's been eating fairly well, and she remarked that she had lost weight without even trying.
I know that when you don't exercise you loose muscle weight and mass so most likely that is what is happening. Also your body might tend to store more muscle fluids when exercising on a regular basis.
I'm not even trying to lose weight. It isnt my goal. I look at the food lists and I know what my limits are and what my options are. If I find a recipe which calls for a black dot, I would sub it with a diamond or a super bennie. At the most a neutral. Black dots appear benign...but for me personally they turn around and bite me!
In reading your posts over the course of my time here, I think you are doing a great job. It gets back to what we each are facing personally.
Some folks like Rex can gain weight and then decide to stop and they have luck with it. For addicts or folks that are facing really bad brain chemistry upset with adrenals and hormonal issues, that ability to just stop is not there. It's not about willpower. The body DEMANDS it's sugar and junk when it is off balance. There is no stopping it at times. I have been in that position thousands of times.
My 1st husband decided he was not going to smoke anymore and that was it. Others have to go wear patches and chew gum to try and make it through. My 2nd husband found himself in the gutter in Mexico after an all night drinking binge and decided right there he was going to stop drinking. Others have to go through massive rehap and 12 step programs.
There is no 'one way' out for anyone. Each person has to reach a 'bottom' with their eating, even if they are not sugar or junk addicts per se' before they can truly make a long term life change.
Me, it took 35 years of back and forth and back and forth thinking I could control it with this diet or that diet or this pill or that one, or eat only pizza on fridays, or starving one day a week or whatever crazy thing it was. FOR YEARS I played games with myself.
It's not about weight loss. The weight loss will come on it's own when other things are lined up. And if it doesn't than either the meals are too big or other factors or involved that one has to carefully look at. Like maybe your body likes being that weight naturally. It's about body and mind health. If one keeps messing around with bad foods to a huge degree they will go back and forth messing up their brain chemistry and then it takes 2 or 3 days to get it back to a place of stability again. It's a ruthless cycle. And millions of people do this. No only obese folks or addicts. Regular people mess around and mess around and mess around.
I think that Dr. D's suggestion that 4 or 5 times a week of non-compliance is a normal occurence for one who is working to stay compliant. But beyond that, one is beginning to play a serious game of losing balance with food which in turn plays huge havoc on the ability to stay sane with food, brain chemistry, adrenal and hormonal issues.
Now I have a simple existence with food. I have my bottom line abstinence rule and I have my good eating plan from the GTD.
This does not make me a saint or a big ego blasting mouth here... It means I had the fear of God rise up in me one night as I looked back over my life and realized how many years I had been messing around and not finding a place to stay sane. My body hurt, I felt awful most days, and I felt mentally crazy around food and trying to control it all.
I surrendered, admitted I obviously had issues, established my bottom line abstinence (with the help of Becky Jackson's book), got my GTD eating in gear and here I am working toward my 60 days of abstinence from 'dieting' and binging.
I have great compassion for myself and all who are suffering from the back and forth game of trying to get balance in their lifes with food. It can be a lifetime roller coaster ride.
Group hug... ?
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Back from a little journey and Day 38
Well we took a trip 6 hours south to do some business. Hubby had to be in a legal meeting all day the 2nd day and I was left to be out and about. I went to Whole Foods and got a couple of cooking aprons so I won't ruin anymore of my sweat shirts cooking! ha... And then I went up North to the mountains to where we used to live and walked around in the forrest. I miss it but it is too far away for the kind of business we do. It was good to go up there.
I was MORE THAN FATIGUED from the drive and the stress of it all. But no cravings. I had moments where I felt like eating because I was so tired but feeling like eating is different from the driving 'never let you go until you eat junk' voice which was not really present.
I had brought a lot of good food in a cooler, so there was no need to eat out breakfast or lunch. We did have dinner out two nights and to be honest, my meals may have been slightly more than moderate but not enough to say I broke my abstinence. While everyone else enjoyed desert, I was just too full and could not justify it.
So I hung in there with God's help and lived through the tiredness and the ups and downs of the trip and made it home. The only thing I really did more than I ever do is chew gum. I chewed about 4 - 6 sticks per travel day throughout the day. I didn't like this and don't plan to do it again unless I cannot get to a place to brush my teeth. The other thing is that I did have a couple of cups of half calf coffee and I DO NOT LIKE THE HIGH, this stuff gives me anymore. I really can tell the difference between coffee caffeine and green tea/yerba mate caffeine. I get way to grittery and uneasy on the coffee caffeine. Yuck-O! ha... I was never one to use speed or diet pills way back when. Hated them.. they just made me want to eat to come back down to earth.
I weighed this morning and my weight held steady at 5 lbs less. I have not been having good regular movements so I'm not sure what is really going on.
When I was down there, I went to the Red Cross and had a blood draw for my hemochromatosis and yes my iron was up so that is why I've been aching all over. Now I have to start going for regular draws of 1 unit a week or so, until the iron levels are down again.
It's kind of a pain to have this disease but at least I can manage it with blood draws. And it's kind of a pain to be an addict but in all the years that have past I learned so much from the disease of addiction that I cannot call it a pain anymore. It's a true gift as it has brought me to a place where I really want to eat right and take care of myself in a gentle moderate way.. not an obsessed over the top control freak way.
Freedom is moderation and surrender.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I was MORE THAN FATIGUED from the drive and the stress of it all. But no cravings. I had moments where I felt like eating because I was so tired but feeling like eating is different from the driving 'never let you go until you eat junk' voice which was not really present.
I had brought a lot of good food in a cooler, so there was no need to eat out breakfast or lunch. We did have dinner out two nights and to be honest, my meals may have been slightly more than moderate but not enough to say I broke my abstinence. While everyone else enjoyed desert, I was just too full and could not justify it.
So I hung in there with God's help and lived through the tiredness and the ups and downs of the trip and made it home. The only thing I really did more than I ever do is chew gum. I chewed about 4 - 6 sticks per travel day throughout the day. I didn't like this and don't plan to do it again unless I cannot get to a place to brush my teeth. The other thing is that I did have a couple of cups of half calf coffee and I DO NOT LIKE THE HIGH, this stuff gives me anymore. I really can tell the difference between coffee caffeine and green tea/yerba mate caffeine. I get way to grittery and uneasy on the coffee caffeine. Yuck-O! ha... I was never one to use speed or diet pills way back when. Hated them.. they just made me want to eat to come back down to earth.
I weighed this morning and my weight held steady at 5 lbs less. I have not been having good regular movements so I'm not sure what is really going on.
When I was down there, I went to the Red Cross and had a blood draw for my hemochromatosis and yes my iron was up so that is why I've been aching all over. Now I have to start going for regular draws of 1 unit a week or so, until the iron levels are down again.
It's kind of a pain to have this disease but at least I can manage it with blood draws. And it's kind of a pain to be an addict but in all the years that have past I learned so much from the disease of addiction that I cannot call it a pain anymore. It's a true gift as it has brought me to a place where I really want to eat right and take care of myself in a gentle moderate way.. not an obsessed over the top control freak way.
Freedom is moderation and surrender.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Friday, September 5, 2008
Important Questions and Answers
A dear friend of mine wrote to me after I wrote yesterdays post and ask me the following questions. I felt it was important to this Blog to post these questions and the answers because it brings in such clarity about my abstinence which is an abstinence to continue to heal from the madness of binging and ... 'dieting, or rigid eating plans of deprivation and/or starvation.'
Questions:
I have to ask...........what is it you're considering abstinence? just not eating between meals? I'm confused because I was thinking you meant not eating avoids, yet you had some pie and a decaf mocha and still considered the day a day of abstinence. Just asking for clarification. Not judging you, that's for darn sure. Me who can't seem to go more than 3 days w/o eating something I shouldn't.
Answers:
No ramdom eating between 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what.
Moderate is the key and if you ever read Becky's book she says that eating healthy 60- 80% of the time is what one should strive for because there are always situations where you cannot eat healthy.
Becoming overly obsessed about a particular diet or eating regime is a no no. It feeds the addicts obsessive
'diet mentality' qualities of control and 'white knuckling it' and eventually leads to a binge on all the stuff that one avoids while ridgedly attempting to stick to some plan.
So I eat as close to Dr. Dadamo's Genotype Diet as possible when I'm home and as much as possible when I'm out. Which is about 95% compliance because when I'm home I will eat black dots and if we go somewhere and hub has a coffee sometimes I will have a decaf low fat mocha. Total avoid... but I don't want to sit there all righteous and feeling deprived which will feed my disease.
So yesterday I had a couple of avoids and I'm not bothered mentally about it. How I am bothered is that I didn't like them very much. Homemade ice cream and chocolate made with diamond, superfoods and neutrals taste so much better and I love them. Cheap whip cream pie with some lemon flavoring and a mocha with cheap chocolate powder and milk is becoming old hat and boring and I am beginning to want to just order tea. You see??? By allowing myself the 'taboo no no' every so often so it won't feed my addiction voice of deprivation, I begin to not want it at all and can say no from a natural place of really not wanting it. Not from a place of 'oh i'm going to do good, so I won't have that,' and then secretely feeling left out or again deprived.
It's a healing work to not be obsessed or impulsive. I really think being "impulsive' in particular, and not being able to say no, comes from bad brain chemistry from not getting the correct neutrients in the brain. I didn't even want the few bites of pie really, but I felt so sad about the entire situation that I had them but I made sure to have them right there as part of my moderate meal. Next time I'll ask if they have any fruit because it was so unenjoyable and tasted like all the foods I used to binge on, that it made me a bit afraid and also I knew that had I eaten more of the poisen pie I would have paid dearly for it.
So that's my abstience and how it is working in me. You should really order the book. It helps one let go of so many 'self condemning' thoughts and actions and helps get you on the first part of the journey without alot of rigid rules and regualtions that really just feed obsessive impulsive qualities.
I am not saying you are an addict. You may or may not be one. But it seems that you might want a little assurance and insight into what I'm going through and how I am just now beginning to work it and it's actualy working, and how some of it might help you, which I feel it would.
Sorry to confuse you about the abstinence. These days I refuse to be perfect! And I will never be perfect. The choices I am making are because I want to feel good and free from the insanity of addiction, not because I HAVE to be 100% complient to reach some truly unattainable goal of health. I think it's not what we eat most times, it's the stress in our lifes that rots the food in our gut!!! Sounds awful... but I think it's about 50% at least true. I went through this with Woody. He ate completely healthy (100% compliant on the BTD), during his divorce and cancer but he still went down because of the horrid stress.
I will write more later... but you really sparked me to take time to write this to you and I feel it was important for me personally. To write about my abstinence, what it means and how it applies to my life reminds me of the healing journey I am on.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Questions:
I have to ask...........what is it you're considering abstinence? just not eating between meals? I'm confused because I was thinking you meant not eating avoids, yet you had some pie and a decaf mocha and still considered the day a day of abstinence. Just asking for clarification. Not judging you, that's for darn sure. Me who can't seem to go more than 3 days w/o eating something I shouldn't.
Answers:
No ramdom eating between 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what.
Moderate is the key and if you ever read Becky's book she says that eating healthy 60- 80% of the time is what one should strive for because there are always situations where you cannot eat healthy.
Becoming overly obsessed about a particular diet or eating regime is a no no. It feeds the addicts obsessive
'diet mentality' qualities of control and 'white knuckling it' and eventually leads to a binge on all the stuff that one avoids while ridgedly attempting to stick to some plan.
So I eat as close to Dr. Dadamo's Genotype Diet as possible when I'm home and as much as possible when I'm out. Which is about 95% compliance because when I'm home I will eat black dots and if we go somewhere and hub has a coffee sometimes I will have a decaf low fat mocha. Total avoid... but I don't want to sit there all righteous and feeling deprived which will feed my disease.
So yesterday I had a couple of avoids and I'm not bothered mentally about it. How I am bothered is that I didn't like them very much. Homemade ice cream and chocolate made with diamond, superfoods and neutrals taste so much better and I love them. Cheap whip cream pie with some lemon flavoring and a mocha with cheap chocolate powder and milk is becoming old hat and boring and I am beginning to want to just order tea. You see??? By allowing myself the 'taboo no no' every so often so it won't feed my addiction voice of deprivation, I begin to not want it at all and can say no from a natural place of really not wanting it. Not from a place of 'oh i'm going to do good, so I won't have that,' and then secretely feeling left out or again deprived.
It's a healing work to not be obsessed or impulsive. I really think being "impulsive' in particular, and not being able to say no, comes from bad brain chemistry from not getting the correct neutrients in the brain. I didn't even want the few bites of pie really, but I felt so sad about the entire situation that I had them but I made sure to have them right there as part of my moderate meal. Next time I'll ask if they have any fruit because it was so unenjoyable and tasted like all the foods I used to binge on, that it made me a bit afraid and also I knew that had I eaten more of the poisen pie I would have paid dearly for it.
So that's my abstience and how it is working in me. You should really order the book. It helps one let go of so many 'self condemning' thoughts and actions and helps get you on the first part of the journey without alot of rigid rules and regualtions that really just feed obsessive impulsive qualities.
I am not saying you are an addict. You may or may not be one. But it seems that you might want a little assurance and insight into what I'm going through and how I am just now beginning to work it and it's actualy working, and how some of it might help you, which I feel it would.
Sorry to confuse you about the abstinence. These days I refuse to be perfect! And I will never be perfect. The choices I am making are because I want to feel good and free from the insanity of addiction, not because I HAVE to be 100% complient to reach some truly unattainable goal of health. I think it's not what we eat most times, it's the stress in our lifes that rots the food in our gut!!! Sounds awful... but I think it's about 50% at least true. I went through this with Woody. He ate completely healthy (100% compliant on the BTD), during his divorce and cancer but he still went down because of the horrid stress.
I will write more later... but you really sparked me to take time to write this to you and I feel it was important for me personally. To write about my abstinence, what it means and how it applies to my life reminds me of the healing journey I am on.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Day 32 - My first serious challenge...
Well for me personally it seems to always be the case that once a great sun rises and shines, it is followed by a shadowy day either internally, externally, or both. Today I received the internal challenge of dissatisfaction.
My husband and I took the ferry and went over to a town called Squim right on the Straights of San Juan and chose a eating place to celebrate our anniversary. We both ordered an expensive dish of steamed mixed seafood which came with some kind of cole slaw mixture and a bun.
The cole slaw mixture was shredded cabbage in a bowl with thousand island dressing poured on top. Pretty classy huh?! NOT.
The bun of course was a mass produced bun of some sort which I did not touch. The seafood mixture was actually decent and came with butter dip and lemons. I had to really use the lemon and salt, and a bit of the butter to give it some sort of flavor but it was better than everything else on the menu.
Hubby then ordered lemon pie for his desert and I took a few bites of only the filling which was basically whip cream with lemon flavor added.
The drive to Squim was beautiful. The town of Squim was less than beautiful except for the stunning mountain range beyond it. The area we went to eat was right on the coast so it was pretty nice.
But overall we were vastly disappointed in the meal which left me completely emotionally unsatisfied and wishing I could have something really special. Wishing we had gone somewhere else. Wishing we had stayed home. The meal just left me empty and sad that so much money had been spent on this meal that was supposed to be so special for us.
And I had to live with that. I couldn't go get a goodie snack to make it all better. As well when we got back to the town of Port Townsend, WA, which is loaded with old time touristy shops and eatery's... I found that the old voice of 'let's get a goodie, let's have fun.. let's get something good to eat...' came thundering back and I realized how much I relied on food to make life exciting when out and about in the world just spinning time away like we do when we are taking a day off there and there and site seeing or gallavanting about here and there.
I had to instead take in the view. Sit on a bench and watch the people, talk to my precious love about our life together and our music... enjoy the ocean breeze. I had to eat of nature and of the simple things. In doing this I realized a huge thing. That when we are focused on eating and food and getting this goodie or that one or even being like a shop manic going from shop to shop looking at this and that and buying this and that, that we are distracting, (or at least I am), from life.
This was a brand new experience for me. And I realized there are going to be many more times in the future when I pick the wrong foods by accident and am left unsatisfied with how the meal tastes or how it made me feel from an emotional satisfaction standpoint.
I did have a decaf mocha on the way home and didn't like it at all really; but when I got home I had a healthy meal.
Tonight I am grateful for being able to go out into the world and maintain my abstinence, and I am especially grateful for my husbands love of me and my body. Hey I don't understand it, but he sees something my harsh judging hateful eyes don't see and he makes me feel cherished in a body that 5 years ago, I was so ashamed of, I wouldn't go out in public at times. Such sad shame I carried in my heart. Such a sad and lonely young woman I was. And now... what a strong and beautiful and compassionate soul I have awakened to, within myself. I'm falling in love with the gifts of my heart that are finally blooming.
This morning I was down 3 lbs from that number that had been holding stubborn on that white piece of metal with the swirling numbers that I step on every morning, testing my fear of the damn thing, and the gift of acceptance of my beautiful healing body and mind.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
My husband and I took the ferry and went over to a town called Squim right on the Straights of San Juan and chose a eating place to celebrate our anniversary. We both ordered an expensive dish of steamed mixed seafood which came with some kind of cole slaw mixture and a bun.
The cole slaw mixture was shredded cabbage in a bowl with thousand island dressing poured on top. Pretty classy huh?! NOT.
The bun of course was a mass produced bun of some sort which I did not touch. The seafood mixture was actually decent and came with butter dip and lemons. I had to really use the lemon and salt, and a bit of the butter to give it some sort of flavor but it was better than everything else on the menu.
Hubby then ordered lemon pie for his desert and I took a few bites of only the filling which was basically whip cream with lemon flavor added.
The drive to Squim was beautiful. The town of Squim was less than beautiful except for the stunning mountain range beyond it. The area we went to eat was right on the coast so it was pretty nice.
But overall we were vastly disappointed in the meal which left me completely emotionally unsatisfied and wishing I could have something really special. Wishing we had gone somewhere else. Wishing we had stayed home. The meal just left me empty and sad that so much money had been spent on this meal that was supposed to be so special for us.
And I had to live with that. I couldn't go get a goodie snack to make it all better. As well when we got back to the town of Port Townsend, WA, which is loaded with old time touristy shops and eatery's... I found that the old voice of 'let's get a goodie, let's have fun.. let's get something good to eat...' came thundering back and I realized how much I relied on food to make life exciting when out and about in the world just spinning time away like we do when we are taking a day off there and there and site seeing or gallavanting about here and there.
I had to instead take in the view. Sit on a bench and watch the people, talk to my precious love about our life together and our music... enjoy the ocean breeze. I had to eat of nature and of the simple things. In doing this I realized a huge thing. That when we are focused on eating and food and getting this goodie or that one or even being like a shop manic going from shop to shop looking at this and that and buying this and that, that we are distracting, (or at least I am), from life.
This was a brand new experience for me. And I realized there are going to be many more times in the future when I pick the wrong foods by accident and am left unsatisfied with how the meal tastes or how it made me feel from an emotional satisfaction standpoint.
I did have a decaf mocha on the way home and didn't like it at all really; but when I got home I had a healthy meal.
Tonight I am grateful for being able to go out into the world and maintain my abstinence, and I am especially grateful for my husbands love of me and my body. Hey I don't understand it, but he sees something my harsh judging hateful eyes don't see and he makes me feel cherished in a body that 5 years ago, I was so ashamed of, I wouldn't go out in public at times. Such sad shame I carried in my heart. Such a sad and lonely young woman I was. And now... what a strong and beautiful and compassionate soul I have awakened to, within myself. I'm falling in love with the gifts of my heart that are finally blooming.
This morning I was down 3 lbs from that number that had been holding stubborn on that white piece of metal with the swirling numbers that I step on every morning, testing my fear of the damn thing, and the gift of acceptance of my beautiful healing body and mind.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Day 31!!!
Whoo Hoo!!! 31 Days of being completely honestly abstinence! Oh boy am I feeling balanced, grounded and most especially grateful. Thank you Great Spirit. Thank you God. Thank you life.
I would not trade one minute of all those years of suffering in addiction process because of what it taught me. How it humbled me, how it taught me compassion, tore up my pride, and so much more. But I will not trade my abstinence for anything now!!!
What a freedom I have found. When one reaches this point, one wonders how they could not have found it sooner. How come they kept giving into trying to control and diet and go insane when the tools were within a change of attitudes reach.
Blinders. That's really the stark answer. Plain ole' blinders - those side ones they put on horses so they don't get affected by the traffic going by. That's what a diet is like. That's what starving is like. That's what obsession and addiction are like. Blinders shutting out life, shutting out the joys and pains and sufferings by creating your own personal hell on the inside of those blinders right there between your ears!!!
That and good ole' unbalanced brain chemistry. And boy does that make me so grateful for Dr. D'adamo's GenoType research and subsequent eating plan for each genotype.
I am eating better and more balanced than in my entire life. And loving every delicious minute of it. I cannot believe I put myself through such extreme dieting and starvation routines missing out on delicious olive oil and ghee, and so many wonderful foods that I now DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE ON but can enjoy moderately and might I add SANELY.
Oh my Gosh.. sanity.. what a concept for an addict!
So I made it through a month with NO CRAVINGS during my entire hormonal shift as I did start my cycle today. My weight held steady for a full week as I'm sure it was from hormonal activity. But as I mentioned, abstinence is first and foremost beyond any weight loss and holding my bottom line of "NO RANDOM EATING INBETWEEN 3 MEALS PER DAY NO MATTER WHAT" is key to my continued abstinence. NOT BECOMING OBSESSED ABOUT WEIGHT AND BEGINNING TO CUT PORTIONS TO TRY AND ATTAIN SOME DESPERATE GOAL.
OH MY GOSH... TO BE RID OF THE MENTAL CRAZINESS IS BEYOND MY POOR MINDS ABILITY TO GRASP RIGHT NOW!! It's quite glorious.
I told my husband last night, there would not be many people who would understand my estatic state of being from becoming abstinent. It is like the moment I went and had an underwater body fat test in my extreme dieting and exercise days and came out having 12.5% body fat. I walked out of the clinic totally overjoyed and looked around the parking lot at normal life going on and realized nobody would give a crap!!! HAAA!!!
But seriously, I know other folks who have attained true abstinence will understand and share my joy.
So onward.. humbly deeply grateful for the great time we all live in of advanced science where Naturalpaths like Dr. D'adamo and others are discovering ways to help us eat individually to keep our brain chemistry balanced and as well deep grateful thanks to Becky Jackson for her wonderful recovery system that works!
It's funny... we addicts always want something complicated and extreme and fast. Over, done, NOT. Done all that and it got me to the starting gate 100 times over. Now I've left the starting gate for good!!!
YA HOOO!!!!
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I would not trade one minute of all those years of suffering in addiction process because of what it taught me. How it humbled me, how it taught me compassion, tore up my pride, and so much more. But I will not trade my abstinence for anything now!!!
What a freedom I have found. When one reaches this point, one wonders how they could not have found it sooner. How come they kept giving into trying to control and diet and go insane when the tools were within a change of attitudes reach.
Blinders. That's really the stark answer. Plain ole' blinders - those side ones they put on horses so they don't get affected by the traffic going by. That's what a diet is like. That's what starving is like. That's what obsession and addiction are like. Blinders shutting out life, shutting out the joys and pains and sufferings by creating your own personal hell on the inside of those blinders right there between your ears!!!
That and good ole' unbalanced brain chemistry. And boy does that make me so grateful for Dr. D'adamo's GenoType research and subsequent eating plan for each genotype.
I am eating better and more balanced than in my entire life. And loving every delicious minute of it. I cannot believe I put myself through such extreme dieting and starvation routines missing out on delicious olive oil and ghee, and so many wonderful foods that I now DO NOT HAVE TO BINGE ON but can enjoy moderately and might I add SANELY.
Oh my Gosh.. sanity.. what a concept for an addict!
So I made it through a month with NO CRAVINGS during my entire hormonal shift as I did start my cycle today. My weight held steady for a full week as I'm sure it was from hormonal activity. But as I mentioned, abstinence is first and foremost beyond any weight loss and holding my bottom line of "NO RANDOM EATING INBETWEEN 3 MEALS PER DAY NO MATTER WHAT" is key to my continued abstinence. NOT BECOMING OBSESSED ABOUT WEIGHT AND BEGINNING TO CUT PORTIONS TO TRY AND ATTAIN SOME DESPERATE GOAL.
OH MY GOSH... TO BE RID OF THE MENTAL CRAZINESS IS BEYOND MY POOR MINDS ABILITY TO GRASP RIGHT NOW!! It's quite glorious.
I told my husband last night, there would not be many people who would understand my estatic state of being from becoming abstinent. It is like the moment I went and had an underwater body fat test in my extreme dieting and exercise days and came out having 12.5% body fat. I walked out of the clinic totally overjoyed and looked around the parking lot at normal life going on and realized nobody would give a crap!!! HAAA!!!
But seriously, I know other folks who have attained true abstinence will understand and share my joy.
So onward.. humbly deeply grateful for the great time we all live in of advanced science where Naturalpaths like Dr. D'adamo and others are discovering ways to help us eat individually to keep our brain chemistry balanced and as well deep grateful thanks to Becky Jackson for her wonderful recovery system that works!
It's funny... we addicts always want something complicated and extreme and fast. Over, done, NOT. Done all that and it got me to the starting gate 100 times over. Now I've left the starting gate for good!!!
YA HOOO!!!!
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
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