Day 47 and an Enlightening Conversation

Below is an interaction from another board I'm a member of that I felt was a very important conversation to post here - the paragraphs in italics are the person's original comments followed by my response in regular font.

Funky Muse, I just saw this thread!

My personal experience: I dont consciously reach out for black dots. Stuff like Spelt, Oats etc., make me wheez. Stuff like lentils give me gas. Stuff like egg plant, yard long beans, spinach, carrots etc., which used to be my favourites, just dont have any flavour anymore! However, I reserve these vegetables & lentils for visits. Coffee makes me sleepy. Certain black dot nuts dont give obvious reactions but certain others make me burp and gives me indigestion. Same for black dot fruits.

I don't even eat these things anymore! I tried to give carrots a go but they were not interesting. I haven't touched spelt or oats in awhile now. The black dots I have to be careful with are the ones I enjoy like Avocado and Apricots and Necterines! But I'm working to stay away from those right now as an experiment to see if my weight or other health issues change. It's complicated for me because of this hemochromatosis which makes me feel awful all over if I have too much Iron which i do presently.


As for oils & ghee, I have a personal rule of making these good fats 20% of my meal. It's something that I picked up in the ER/LR book. Infact, without getting too hung upon numbers, I personally follow this: 40% protein, 30% Carbs from fruits & veggies, 10% Carbs from grains and 20% fats. I've played around with it and have found this ratio to sit well with me.

I can't do any percentages or measurements due to my addiction habits and patterns from the past. It really kicks in 'dieting mentality' for me and that is one thing I'm working to stay abstinent from. You see, for most folks who are addicts, 'diets' were a way to control their issues rather than deal with them. The 'diet' became the focus rather than just working to find a bottom line of abstinence to stick with, eating right and exercising and then beginning to deal with emotional issues.

One cannot deal with interior emotional pain and past trauma when one is drunk (or brain chemistry altered from bad food or illusionary low calorie dieting). When you are eating junk and binging you are drunk. You are brain chemistry altered. Also when you are 'dieting' per se' with the glorious illusion of permanent weight loss and 'finally getting control' of your eating hanging over your head, you are drunk. (you are brain chemistry altered by the illusion that you are going to get it right this time). You are in illusion land. Because what it truly takes is just settling down into a routine of taking the time to make sure you stick with your bottom line abstinence (mine is 3 moderate meals per day with no random eating inbetween NO MATTER WHAT); and focusing on the 1st step toward freedom from crazed and controlled eating. As your brain chemistry balances and you get into a rhythm with your meal planning and eating moderately, then you can begin to dig into working on emotional issues.

Most folks try to do it all at once and it's virtually impossible until you reach a strong place with your abstinence away from junk eating or grazing, and 'dieting mentality.'

As for exercise, it's funny really. Up until about 2 months ago exercise was part and parcel of my life. Something natural, like breathing. Then I developed some imbalances and in order to take care of it I had to stay away from physical straining...but I continued eating my diamonds and super foods. Black dots would creep in from time to time when eating out.

What I noticed last weekend was that I had lost almost 2kg, and my clothes continue to hang on me. There is more definition in my physique, and that helps when you're slightly taller than 5 feet with a short torso

Over at our Fresh Start Week thread, Lakeslady, another Hunter, has been off exercises for similar reasons, but she's been eating fairly well, and she remarked that she had lost weight without even trying.

I know that when you don't exercise you loose muscle weight and mass so most likely that is what is happening. Also your body might tend to store more muscle fluids when exercising on a regular basis.

I'm not even trying to lose weight. It isnt my goal. I look at the food lists and I know what my limits are and what my options are. If I find a recipe which calls for a black dot, I would sub it with a diamond or a super bennie. At the most a neutral. Black dots appear benign...but for me personally they turn around and bite me!

In reading your posts over the course of my time here, I think you are doing a great job. It gets back to what we each are facing personally.

Some folks like Rex can gain weight and then decide to stop and they have luck with it. For addicts or folks that are facing really bad brain chemistry upset with adrenals and hormonal issues, that ability to just stop is not there. It's not about willpower. The body DEMANDS it's sugar and junk when it is off balance. There is no stopping it at times. I have been in that position thousands of times.

My 1st husband decided he was not going to smoke anymore and that was it. Others have to go wear patches and chew gum to try and make it through. My 2nd husband found himself in the gutter in Mexico after an all night drinking binge and decided right there he was going to stop drinking. Others have to go through massive rehap and 12 step programs.

There is no 'one way' out for anyone. Each person has to reach a 'bottom' with their eating, even if they are not sugar or junk addicts per se' before they can truly make a long term life change.

Me, it took 35 years of back and forth and back and forth thinking I could control it with this diet or that diet or this pill or that one, or eat only pizza on fridays, or starving one day a week or whatever crazy thing it was. FOR YEARS I played games with myself.

It's not about weight loss. The weight loss will come on it's own when other things are lined up. And if it doesn't than either the meals are too big or other factors or involved that one has to carefully look at. Like maybe your body likes being that weight naturally. It's about body and mind health. If one keeps messing around with bad foods to a huge degree they will go back and forth messing up their brain chemistry and then it takes 2 or 3 days to get it back to a place of stability again. It's a ruthless cycle. And millions of people do this. No only obese folks or addicts. Regular people mess around and mess around and mess around.

I think that Dr. D's suggestion that 4 or 5 times a week of non-compliance is a normal occurence for one who is working to stay compliant. But beyond that, one is beginning to play a serious game of losing balance with food which in turn plays huge havoc on the ability to stay sane with food, brain chemistry, adrenal and hormonal issues.

Now I have a simple existence with food. I have my bottom line abstinence rule and I have my good eating plan from the GTD.

This does not make me a saint or a big ego blasting mouth here... It means I had the fear of God rise up in me one night as I looked back over my life and realized how many years I had been messing around and not finding a place to stay sane. My body hurt, I felt awful most days, and I felt mentally crazy around food and trying to control it all.

I surrendered, admitted I obviously had issues, established my bottom line abstinence (with the help of Becky Jackson's book), got my GTD eating in gear and here I am working toward my 60 days of abstinence from 'dieting' and binging.

I have great compassion for myself and all who are suffering from the back and forth game of trying to get balance in their lifes with food. It can be a lifetime roller coaster ride.

Group hug... ?

My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com