Addiction is some kind of demon. It demands that you are not lazy and that you are on your game at all times even when you feel horrid and shitty and depressed and useless and don't want to do anything and you are un-motivated and on and on and on. And if you use, all these feelings and emotions because increased ten-fold and domino upon one another. And the fog rolls into the brain and the fear arises in your gut and mind and hands and heart.
I don't want to cook sometimes. I don' t want to struggle with the cravings. I don't want to feel hopeless and sad that I can't use when I want to use because I feel like it's all no good.
I have, as I have stated before, no control. I have cried out for help and it has come and then I have gotten lazy again and began to drive my own days with my own obsessive thoughts, giving nothing to God... just forging ahead with no boundries... no rules and lately no good habits.
All habits have gone to hell in a handbag. More like a bread bag these days! And it's not damned funny.
I'm ranting and raving because I need to at the moment. 3 meals a day, with nothing inbetween no matter what. 3 meals a day with nothing inbetween no matter what. THREE MEALS A DAY WITH NOTHING INBETWEEN NO MATTER WHAT. Can I say that 100 times a day.. .can I hold on no matter what like Becky did? Am I one of the unfortunates? Will I ever hold on?
Dear God, help me to help myself. Dear God... help me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Rabbit Hole Horror
Yes that's right, I'm in Rabbit Hole Horror. I can barely write. My eyes are swollen from crying. My stomach is swollen from a bread binge with ghee, almond butter and Xyiltol today. Oh and bananas. About 6 slices of bread and about 4 bananas. But I didn't got to the store and get chocolate and diet soda like I did yesterday and then work out like a banchee trying to get my brain chemistry back. That workout was not about burning calories... it was about trying to gain 'sanity' again. Yes that is the point I've reached in all this. I just want my sanity. Apparently after todays quick slide down the rabbit hole I haven't quite realized that I cannot give in to the cravings and keep my sanity. And what I mean is 'balanced brain chemistry.' It just doesn't happen when you eat crap or excessive bread and banana's.
I am completely miserable. I am swollen and have a horrid headache. I lost my precious abstinence after 120 days while in San Diego - a place of non-life supporting energy for me. A long exhausting trip back in time to the hot and dry memories laid out like old white haunting bones in the sun.
I have been trying to get my precious abstinence back since then and I have failed miserably. I've now had 90 days without abstinence. None. A meal here and there. Maybe a day or two at most. I need help God. The Secret says to say what you want and give thanks for it. I'm working on that, but at this moment I cannot find much thanks. Hey, maybe I should say thanks for another, yet another, yet the one million reminder of how painful this is and how I don't want to do this anymore. Will that possibly hold me through the horrid cravings when they come? Will that hold me back when my body tries to walk to the kitchen to look for something to soothe it's intense craving agnst? It hasn't yet.
So what do men do when they have something that needs fixed... the go about looking for the solution. The right screws... maybe a hammer.. yah that's right... I think a hammer to my head would do the job. No.. that's mean. That would hurt. Becky told me once... in a loving tough love tone... "I guess you aren't ready to stay clean yet." And I guess she was right. What is it going to take for me to be ready to stay clean?
And of course I have the answer. Surrender. Surrender. My days and nights have to be about working every tool I can to get my abstinence back. I have to surrender to that fact I have to surrender to the fact that I 'alone' cannot do this. I cannot white knuckle through this alone.
I need some 3 x 5 cards to write affirmations on. I need to work Becky's workbook and write and become aware. Aware so strong in every second that I see the rabbit hole before I step in it. Before some kind of inner voice leads me to it with eyes wide open and I step in like I did today. I had only eaten a very nice abstinent lunch just an hour prior and wasn't a darn bit hungry. And yet there I was first of all pacing in my mind about food. Then I was pacing the house. Then I was pacing to the kitchen and getting food out and starting to get into the frenzy of it all and I just kept on going.
All that kept me nice and drunk for several hours until I finally crashed my brain going headlong into the brick wall of self. I laid down and fell in the usual stupor only to awake in that frozen horror. I mean I am absolutely at the end of myself. A diet won't work. My glorious abstinence isn't working. I have no control what-so-ever over anything. I have lost hope. God help me. God help me.
So I am here writing because I called my husband, a 25 year veteran of sobriety from alcohol over and had him sit down by me as I was laying on the floor hopeless and forlorn and completely lost. I told him in a very somber voice I needed help. We talked and he said I needed to get to a meeting and that I needed to come up here and write about it. And so here I am.
And he said he would help me. He would listen and be there for me. Just a few hours earlier there I was wondering around feeling really really lost and lonely and swollen and horribly stuck inside this swollen pained body I am living in; and I still feel that way.. but there is a glimmer of hope... a glimmer of someone caring about me. A little light shining.
My Sister deserves to live. She beat Meth and is suffering horribly from the damage and also from the drug the doctor has her on. But she deserves to live. Dear Father.. if it is meant to be, let her continue on so she can be an Angel for others fighting this really awful place of loneliness and shame.
The Secret would say not to call that in. But you know at times, we just feel certain painful emotions and that's the way it is.
I need help Father. I need help Great Spirit. Thank you for coming to my aide. I don't want to be optimistic because that's what I do... I get up and go on my way feeling it's all behind me and I'm in control again, and guess what. The rabbit hole is waiting and I'm walking right for it.
So I want to be humble tonight and stay a bit on the shadow side of this. I want to keep feeling this pain so I will.. SO I WILL do what is necessary to work to stay clean. Cause the minute I think I've got a tiny bit of positive outcome happening.. I drop all the necessary work and think I can just fly by the seat of my pants again. It's a bad habit pattern.
So I think I'll stay where I am for the moment and work toward taking action toward healing rather than jumping up and saying... oh I've written in my blog now, and my husband loves me and he's going to help me and I'm going to a meeting soon and it's all going to be ok and I'll be better tomorrow morning, etc., etc. If I do that, I won't use the tools.
That's enough for tonight. I feel it's been a rambling mess. Maybe now I'm on the bottom? I frickin' hope so. Cause I sure feel like it.
I am completely miserable. I am swollen and have a horrid headache. I lost my precious abstinence after 120 days while in San Diego - a place of non-life supporting energy for me. A long exhausting trip back in time to the hot and dry memories laid out like old white haunting bones in the sun.
I have been trying to get my precious abstinence back since then and I have failed miserably. I've now had 90 days without abstinence. None. A meal here and there. Maybe a day or two at most. I need help God. The Secret says to say what you want and give thanks for it. I'm working on that, but at this moment I cannot find much thanks. Hey, maybe I should say thanks for another, yet another, yet the one million reminder of how painful this is and how I don't want to do this anymore. Will that possibly hold me through the horrid cravings when they come? Will that hold me back when my body tries to walk to the kitchen to look for something to soothe it's intense craving agnst? It hasn't yet.
So what do men do when they have something that needs fixed... the go about looking for the solution. The right screws... maybe a hammer.. yah that's right... I think a hammer to my head would do the job. No.. that's mean. That would hurt. Becky told me once... in a loving tough love tone... "I guess you aren't ready to stay clean yet." And I guess she was right. What is it going to take for me to be ready to stay clean?
And of course I have the answer. Surrender. Surrender. My days and nights have to be about working every tool I can to get my abstinence back. I have to surrender to that fact I have to surrender to the fact that I 'alone' cannot do this. I cannot white knuckle through this alone.
I need some 3 x 5 cards to write affirmations on. I need to work Becky's workbook and write and become aware. Aware so strong in every second that I see the rabbit hole before I step in it. Before some kind of inner voice leads me to it with eyes wide open and I step in like I did today. I had only eaten a very nice abstinent lunch just an hour prior and wasn't a darn bit hungry. And yet there I was first of all pacing in my mind about food. Then I was pacing the house. Then I was pacing to the kitchen and getting food out and starting to get into the frenzy of it all and I just kept on going.
All that kept me nice and drunk for several hours until I finally crashed my brain going headlong into the brick wall of self. I laid down and fell in the usual stupor only to awake in that frozen horror. I mean I am absolutely at the end of myself. A diet won't work. My glorious abstinence isn't working. I have no control what-so-ever over anything. I have lost hope. God help me. God help me.
So I am here writing because I called my husband, a 25 year veteran of sobriety from alcohol over and had him sit down by me as I was laying on the floor hopeless and forlorn and completely lost. I told him in a very somber voice I needed help. We talked and he said I needed to get to a meeting and that I needed to come up here and write about it. And so here I am.
And he said he would help me. He would listen and be there for me. Just a few hours earlier there I was wondering around feeling really really lost and lonely and swollen and horribly stuck inside this swollen pained body I am living in; and I still feel that way.. but there is a glimmer of hope... a glimmer of someone caring about me. A little light shining.
My Sister deserves to live. She beat Meth and is suffering horribly from the damage and also from the drug the doctor has her on. But she deserves to live. Dear Father.. if it is meant to be, let her continue on so she can be an Angel for others fighting this really awful place of loneliness and shame.
The Secret would say not to call that in. But you know at times, we just feel certain painful emotions and that's the way it is.
I need help Father. I need help Great Spirit. Thank you for coming to my aide. I don't want to be optimistic because that's what I do... I get up and go on my way feeling it's all behind me and I'm in control again, and guess what. The rabbit hole is waiting and I'm walking right for it.
So I want to be humble tonight and stay a bit on the shadow side of this. I want to keep feeling this pain so I will.. SO I WILL do what is necessary to work to stay clean. Cause the minute I think I've got a tiny bit of positive outcome happening.. I drop all the necessary work and think I can just fly by the seat of my pants again. It's a bad habit pattern.
So I think I'll stay where I am for the moment and work toward taking action toward healing rather than jumping up and saying... oh I've written in my blog now, and my husband loves me and he's going to help me and I'm going to a meeting soon and it's all going to be ok and I'll be better tomorrow morning, etc., etc. If I do that, I won't use the tools.
That's enough for tonight. I feel it's been a rambling mess. Maybe now I'm on the bottom? I frickin' hope so. Cause I sure feel like it.
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