Addiction is some kind of demon. It demands that you are not lazy and that you are on your game at all times even when you feel horrid and shitty and depressed and useless and don't want to do anything and you are un-motivated and on and on and on. And if you use, all these feelings and emotions because increased ten-fold and domino upon one another. And the fog rolls into the brain and the fear arises in your gut and mind and hands and heart.
I don't want to cook sometimes. I don' t want to struggle with the cravings. I don't want to feel hopeless and sad that I can't use when I want to use because I feel like it's all no good.
I have, as I have stated before, no control. I have cried out for help and it has come and then I have gotten lazy again and began to drive my own days with my own obsessive thoughts, giving nothing to God... just forging ahead with no boundries... no rules and lately no good habits.
All habits have gone to hell in a handbag. More like a bread bag these days! And it's not damned funny.
I'm ranting and raving because I need to at the moment. 3 meals a day, with nothing inbetween no matter what. 3 meals a day with nothing inbetween no matter what. THREE MEALS A DAY WITH NOTHING INBETWEEN NO MATTER WHAT. Can I say that 100 times a day.. .can I hold on no matter what like Becky did? Am I one of the unfortunates? Will I ever hold on?
Dear God, help me to help myself. Dear God... help me.
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