Addiction is some kind of demon. It demands that you are not lazy and that you are on your game at all times even when you feel horrid and shitty and depressed and useless and don't want to do anything and you are un-motivated and on and on and on. And if you use, all these feelings and emotions because increased ten-fold and domino upon one another. And the fog rolls into the brain and the fear arises in your gut and mind and hands and heart.
I don't want to cook sometimes. I don' t want to struggle with the cravings. I don't want to feel hopeless and sad that I can't use when I want to use because I feel like it's all no good.
I have, as I have stated before, no control. I have cried out for help and it has come and then I have gotten lazy again and began to drive my own days with my own obsessive thoughts, giving nothing to God... just forging ahead with no boundries... no rules and lately no good habits.
All habits have gone to hell in a handbag. More like a bread bag these days! And it's not damned funny.
I'm ranting and raving because I need to at the moment. 3 meals a day, with nothing inbetween no matter what. 3 meals a day with nothing inbetween no matter what. THREE MEALS A DAY WITH NOTHING INBETWEEN NO MATTER WHAT. Can I say that 100 times a day.. .can I hold on no matter what like Becky did? Am I one of the unfortunates? Will I ever hold on?
Dear God, help me to help myself. Dear God... help me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Rabbit Hole Horror
Yes that's right, I'm in Rabbit Hole Horror. I can barely write. My eyes are swollen from crying. My stomach is swollen from a bread binge with ghee, almond butter and Xyiltol today. Oh and bananas. About 6 slices of bread and about 4 bananas. But I didn't got to the store and get chocolate and diet soda like I did yesterday and then work out like a banchee trying to get my brain chemistry back. That workout was not about burning calories... it was about trying to gain 'sanity' again. Yes that is the point I've reached in all this. I just want my sanity. Apparently after todays quick slide down the rabbit hole I haven't quite realized that I cannot give in to the cravings and keep my sanity. And what I mean is 'balanced brain chemistry.' It just doesn't happen when you eat crap or excessive bread and banana's.
I am completely miserable. I am swollen and have a horrid headache. I lost my precious abstinence after 120 days while in San Diego - a place of non-life supporting energy for me. A long exhausting trip back in time to the hot and dry memories laid out like old white haunting bones in the sun.
I have been trying to get my precious abstinence back since then and I have failed miserably. I've now had 90 days without abstinence. None. A meal here and there. Maybe a day or two at most. I need help God. The Secret says to say what you want and give thanks for it. I'm working on that, but at this moment I cannot find much thanks. Hey, maybe I should say thanks for another, yet another, yet the one million reminder of how painful this is and how I don't want to do this anymore. Will that possibly hold me through the horrid cravings when they come? Will that hold me back when my body tries to walk to the kitchen to look for something to soothe it's intense craving agnst? It hasn't yet.
So what do men do when they have something that needs fixed... the go about looking for the solution. The right screws... maybe a hammer.. yah that's right... I think a hammer to my head would do the job. No.. that's mean. That would hurt. Becky told me once... in a loving tough love tone... "I guess you aren't ready to stay clean yet." And I guess she was right. What is it going to take for me to be ready to stay clean?
And of course I have the answer. Surrender. Surrender. My days and nights have to be about working every tool I can to get my abstinence back. I have to surrender to that fact I have to surrender to the fact that I 'alone' cannot do this. I cannot white knuckle through this alone.
I need some 3 x 5 cards to write affirmations on. I need to work Becky's workbook and write and become aware. Aware so strong in every second that I see the rabbit hole before I step in it. Before some kind of inner voice leads me to it with eyes wide open and I step in like I did today. I had only eaten a very nice abstinent lunch just an hour prior and wasn't a darn bit hungry. And yet there I was first of all pacing in my mind about food. Then I was pacing the house. Then I was pacing to the kitchen and getting food out and starting to get into the frenzy of it all and I just kept on going.
All that kept me nice and drunk for several hours until I finally crashed my brain going headlong into the brick wall of self. I laid down and fell in the usual stupor only to awake in that frozen horror. I mean I am absolutely at the end of myself. A diet won't work. My glorious abstinence isn't working. I have no control what-so-ever over anything. I have lost hope. God help me. God help me.
So I am here writing because I called my husband, a 25 year veteran of sobriety from alcohol over and had him sit down by me as I was laying on the floor hopeless and forlorn and completely lost. I told him in a very somber voice I needed help. We talked and he said I needed to get to a meeting and that I needed to come up here and write about it. And so here I am.
And he said he would help me. He would listen and be there for me. Just a few hours earlier there I was wondering around feeling really really lost and lonely and swollen and horribly stuck inside this swollen pained body I am living in; and I still feel that way.. but there is a glimmer of hope... a glimmer of someone caring about me. A little light shining.
My Sister deserves to live. She beat Meth and is suffering horribly from the damage and also from the drug the doctor has her on. But she deserves to live. Dear Father.. if it is meant to be, let her continue on so she can be an Angel for others fighting this really awful place of loneliness and shame.
The Secret would say not to call that in. But you know at times, we just feel certain painful emotions and that's the way it is.
I need help Father. I need help Great Spirit. Thank you for coming to my aide. I don't want to be optimistic because that's what I do... I get up and go on my way feeling it's all behind me and I'm in control again, and guess what. The rabbit hole is waiting and I'm walking right for it.
So I want to be humble tonight and stay a bit on the shadow side of this. I want to keep feeling this pain so I will.. SO I WILL do what is necessary to work to stay clean. Cause the minute I think I've got a tiny bit of positive outcome happening.. I drop all the necessary work and think I can just fly by the seat of my pants again. It's a bad habit pattern.
So I think I'll stay where I am for the moment and work toward taking action toward healing rather than jumping up and saying... oh I've written in my blog now, and my husband loves me and he's going to help me and I'm going to a meeting soon and it's all going to be ok and I'll be better tomorrow morning, etc., etc. If I do that, I won't use the tools.
That's enough for tonight. I feel it's been a rambling mess. Maybe now I'm on the bottom? I frickin' hope so. Cause I sure feel like it.
I am completely miserable. I am swollen and have a horrid headache. I lost my precious abstinence after 120 days while in San Diego - a place of non-life supporting energy for me. A long exhausting trip back in time to the hot and dry memories laid out like old white haunting bones in the sun.
I have been trying to get my precious abstinence back since then and I have failed miserably. I've now had 90 days without abstinence. None. A meal here and there. Maybe a day or two at most. I need help God. The Secret says to say what you want and give thanks for it. I'm working on that, but at this moment I cannot find much thanks. Hey, maybe I should say thanks for another, yet another, yet the one million reminder of how painful this is and how I don't want to do this anymore. Will that possibly hold me through the horrid cravings when they come? Will that hold me back when my body tries to walk to the kitchen to look for something to soothe it's intense craving agnst? It hasn't yet.
So what do men do when they have something that needs fixed... the go about looking for the solution. The right screws... maybe a hammer.. yah that's right... I think a hammer to my head would do the job. No.. that's mean. That would hurt. Becky told me once... in a loving tough love tone... "I guess you aren't ready to stay clean yet." And I guess she was right. What is it going to take for me to be ready to stay clean?
And of course I have the answer. Surrender. Surrender. My days and nights have to be about working every tool I can to get my abstinence back. I have to surrender to that fact I have to surrender to the fact that I 'alone' cannot do this. I cannot white knuckle through this alone.
I need some 3 x 5 cards to write affirmations on. I need to work Becky's workbook and write and become aware. Aware so strong in every second that I see the rabbit hole before I step in it. Before some kind of inner voice leads me to it with eyes wide open and I step in like I did today. I had only eaten a very nice abstinent lunch just an hour prior and wasn't a darn bit hungry. And yet there I was first of all pacing in my mind about food. Then I was pacing the house. Then I was pacing to the kitchen and getting food out and starting to get into the frenzy of it all and I just kept on going.
All that kept me nice and drunk for several hours until I finally crashed my brain going headlong into the brick wall of self. I laid down and fell in the usual stupor only to awake in that frozen horror. I mean I am absolutely at the end of myself. A diet won't work. My glorious abstinence isn't working. I have no control what-so-ever over anything. I have lost hope. God help me. God help me.
So I am here writing because I called my husband, a 25 year veteran of sobriety from alcohol over and had him sit down by me as I was laying on the floor hopeless and forlorn and completely lost. I told him in a very somber voice I needed help. We talked and he said I needed to get to a meeting and that I needed to come up here and write about it. And so here I am.
And he said he would help me. He would listen and be there for me. Just a few hours earlier there I was wondering around feeling really really lost and lonely and swollen and horribly stuck inside this swollen pained body I am living in; and I still feel that way.. but there is a glimmer of hope... a glimmer of someone caring about me. A little light shining.
My Sister deserves to live. She beat Meth and is suffering horribly from the damage and also from the drug the doctor has her on. But she deserves to live. Dear Father.. if it is meant to be, let her continue on so she can be an Angel for others fighting this really awful place of loneliness and shame.
The Secret would say not to call that in. But you know at times, we just feel certain painful emotions and that's the way it is.
I need help Father. I need help Great Spirit. Thank you for coming to my aide. I don't want to be optimistic because that's what I do... I get up and go on my way feeling it's all behind me and I'm in control again, and guess what. The rabbit hole is waiting and I'm walking right for it.
So I want to be humble tonight and stay a bit on the shadow side of this. I want to keep feeling this pain so I will.. SO I WILL do what is necessary to work to stay clean. Cause the minute I think I've got a tiny bit of positive outcome happening.. I drop all the necessary work and think I can just fly by the seat of my pants again. It's a bad habit pattern.
So I think I'll stay where I am for the moment and work toward taking action toward healing rather than jumping up and saying... oh I've written in my blog now, and my husband loves me and he's going to help me and I'm going to a meeting soon and it's all going to be ok and I'll be better tomorrow morning, etc., etc. If I do that, I won't use the tools.
That's enough for tonight. I feel it's been a rambling mess. Maybe now I'm on the bottom? I frickin' hope so. Cause I sure feel like it.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Swimming Past Day 60 into Day 62
Well I had wanted to post a big explosive exciting 'reaching a new landmark' post about Day 60, but the fact is, I've been to busy!
Busy with my life. Busy getting on with my work in the world. Busy with loving my husband. Busy with my new upcoming CD, busy discussing my ups and downs and feelings with my husband. Busy with life.
AND NOT busy with being obsessed over food, or a diet, or weighing, (well maybe a little here), or fighting off cravings, or feeling deprived.
We came back from Seattle last Thursday, hungry and tired and I haven't had time to even stay obsessed over my cooking lately, and so we stopped a a local joint and had a bite for dinner. I was determined to get a sandwich of some sort.
We got in the establishment and I was reading the menu thinking about a reuben or a corned beef sandwich but I really did not want to deal with the aftereffects of the gluten and wheat affect on my body and mind. So when the waitress came, I surrendered my 'mental anticipation taste bud voice,' and ordered a ceaser salad with chicken, dressing on the side with a decaf coffee and cream. That night and the next day I was very calmly happy I had done so.
The thing that surprised me is that I did not feel deprived for having taken the healthier route. In my old 'dieting' days, I would have felt deprived and suffered righteously through my salad. Instead, I felt satisfied, peaceful and calm. And I did not feel egotistical about having ordered the salad and being 'good.' Which is also an old mental routine from the 'staying on the diet' days.
These to me are huge steps indicating a continued healing in my psyche and with a huge side affect blessing to my body.
And so life goes on and I go on with it.
I actually did have about a day and a half of cravings this month two days before my cycle started. I thought about Becky staring at her hand (a story in her book), until the cravings past. I just stayed busy and eventually they dissapated. I am grateful for that.
Since beginning this journey, I have lost 9 lbs. I actually did not weigh when I started so I could actually be down 10 or 11 or even 12 but that is not important.
What is thrilling to me is that I am eating delicious foods with no feeling whatsoever of deprivation and the healthy foods (including the healthy chocolate bars and homemade chocolate that I make), taste better to me than the old Hershey's brand or Dove brand of candies. That is a miracle as in the past, I had all the healthy stuff in the house, but nothing would satisfy my disease except as the disease called it "The real stuff.'
So slow but sure I am seeing the light beyond the huge hold of addiction that I have lived in for approximately 35 years of my life. Climbing out for all those years to see the light of day for maybe a week, two weeks, 3 months (when on Optifast) but all with the 'dry drunk' 'white knuckling' struggle of 'diets,' and so always of course falling back down into the hole to wallow once again with shame, guilt, struggle, tears, body pain, loss of self respect, and on and on.
Now why would I want to go back to that?
Thank you God for helping me along this far. Thank you for my life. Thank you for the good days ahead.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Busy with my life. Busy getting on with my work in the world. Busy with loving my husband. Busy with my new upcoming CD, busy discussing my ups and downs and feelings with my husband. Busy with life.
AND NOT busy with being obsessed over food, or a diet, or weighing, (well maybe a little here), or fighting off cravings, or feeling deprived.
We came back from Seattle last Thursday, hungry and tired and I haven't had time to even stay obsessed over my cooking lately, and so we stopped a a local joint and had a bite for dinner. I was determined to get a sandwich of some sort.
We got in the establishment and I was reading the menu thinking about a reuben or a corned beef sandwich but I really did not want to deal with the aftereffects of the gluten and wheat affect on my body and mind. So when the waitress came, I surrendered my 'mental anticipation taste bud voice,' and ordered a ceaser salad with chicken, dressing on the side with a decaf coffee and cream. That night and the next day I was very calmly happy I had done so.
The thing that surprised me is that I did not feel deprived for having taken the healthier route. In my old 'dieting' days, I would have felt deprived and suffered righteously through my salad. Instead, I felt satisfied, peaceful and calm. And I did not feel egotistical about having ordered the salad and being 'good.' Which is also an old mental routine from the 'staying on the diet' days.
These to me are huge steps indicating a continued healing in my psyche and with a huge side affect blessing to my body.
And so life goes on and I go on with it.
I actually did have about a day and a half of cravings this month two days before my cycle started. I thought about Becky staring at her hand (a story in her book), until the cravings past. I just stayed busy and eventually they dissapated. I am grateful for that.
Since beginning this journey, I have lost 9 lbs. I actually did not weigh when I started so I could actually be down 10 or 11 or even 12 but that is not important.
What is thrilling to me is that I am eating delicious foods with no feeling whatsoever of deprivation and the healthy foods (including the healthy chocolate bars and homemade chocolate that I make), taste better to me than the old Hershey's brand or Dove brand of candies. That is a miracle as in the past, I had all the healthy stuff in the house, but nothing would satisfy my disease except as the disease called it "The real stuff.'
So slow but sure I am seeing the light beyond the huge hold of addiction that I have lived in for approximately 35 years of my life. Climbing out for all those years to see the light of day for maybe a week, two weeks, 3 months (when on Optifast) but all with the 'dry drunk' 'white knuckling' struggle of 'diets,' and so always of course falling back down into the hole to wallow once again with shame, guilt, struggle, tears, body pain, loss of self respect, and on and on.
Now why would I want to go back to that?
Thank you God for helping me along this far. Thank you for my life. Thank you for the good days ahead.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Day 56 - My Rant!
On the other thread I am on... someone had written in asking for 'self-help' suggestions for emotional eating. I, of course, recommended Becky's book "Dieting, A Dry Drunk." Someone else recommended "Feeding the hungry heart" by Geneen Roth."
This got me on a rant as follows, that I felt had some great info. in it for this thread:
Read that back in my 'therapy days.' Great book. But I wasn't 'clean' when I read it. I was still eating emotionally and badly. My personal belief gleaned from Becky's book and my own years of humble experience is that just like a drunk cannot go into therapy while still drinking... neither can emotional or overeaters or anyone with an eating problem go into therapy when still indulging. You can, but the therapy itself usually won't stop the disease.
And I'm not saying 'don't read it,' nor am I saying it won't do you any good... but all of those books and all of the therapy I did for years and years, did not stop my eating issues of eating for every emotional reason under the sun. I 'understood' why I was eating because of the therapy and the books, but it did not stop the disease.
My experience is, one has to find a place to stop the madness of eating before one can begin to address some of the emotional aspects driving the disease. When one's mind is clear and free from the brain chemistry ups and downs, one can truly 'see' and 'feel' what's going on.
Part of the entire issue, again from my own years of trying like a desperate mad woman to figure out my problem, is that when your brain chemistry is whacked from sugar and bad food, you don't think straight, act right, sleep right, your hormones are messed up causing additional emotional and physical problems, etc., etc.
Again, to first get clean from the overeating and emotional eating, allows one to really see what the issues might be.
It's not an easy road in, but for me, it's been the only road in after years of trying every type of therapy out there while still eating away thinking 'if I just figured out what my problems are,' or 'if I just got the right job,' or 'if I just got the right husband,' or if I just got the... right whatever!' Or 'as soon as my bills are paid,' 'or as soon as my kid leaves home' or 'as soon as tomorrow looks better,' I'll be able to get this eating under control.' Or the big one.. "If I just lost weight, then by gosh, I'd be able to love myself and then really 'control' my eating."
And the others: "I deserve this." "I'm under too much stress today, I have to eat." "Just today... because my work load is too much and I'm tired, so I'll eat this candy and drink this coffee to help me make it through, and then tomorrow I'll start clean."
None of that goes away. Life never stops. Stress never stops. And so the emotional eating will never stop because there will never be a tomorrow that is good enough. That voice will drive one for an entire lifetime unless one begins to recognize what is going on. It drove me for 40 years. 40 years of my life on the horrid roller coaster of "trying to control it," feeling ashamed of my body, of my self, feeling guilty because "I" couldn't get it right!
Becky's book and website may scare some because it calls the eating issue a disease or an addiction and many people don't want to even consider that there might be a deeper issue called an addition or disease - I mean it's just eating, right? But my testimony says 'give it a chance.' It's a cheap book and if you don't recognize yourself and your eating issues in the first chapter, put it on a shelve and forget all I have told you. But don't throw it out.
I bought this book 5 years ago, once again desperate and at the height of yet another round of binging because my husband was dieing (and that was my big excuse to eat), and yes it's a good one but no excuse is good enough now for me now that I understand about emotional eating and how it can eventually kill. But I bought the book and recognized myself and the issues right there in the first chapter, and at the time began to try and get clean, but I kept making those excuses to eat. I didn't 'get it' yet.
I put it on the shelve. (I'm so glad I didn't throw it away).
5 years later (2 months ago), I pulled it out again and I 'got it.'
Now almost two months clean from emotional eating and binging and not one binge of junk has happened. Not even any desire for any junk food or sugar.
I attribute this to three things... One - 'getting it.' Understanding and surrendering to the fact that I indeed had an issue with 'eating over anything and nothing,' and I was driven by that voice making excuses to eat. I listened to it and caved every time. Even if I knew it was not right, I caved.
The 2nd thing is, Dr. D's GTD which has completely stablized my brain chemistry and given me the tools to handle the stresses and ups and downs of the days. When the voices do come now, I can walk away from them and 'handle life on life's terms.' Which means... life is going to throw everything my way... ups and downs... bad days and good... do I eat over them... no. This is accepting life on life's terms and moving forward without eating over it.
And three, God's help. I give thanks every day, every moment that I have no cravings. That I feel 'sane' for once in my life. And I stay humble about it. Because the minute I think "I've" got it sussed, the minute I think "I'm in control here" the voice will sneak back in and bite my big ego and the possibility of falling down into the dark hole again becomes a huge threat.
Therapy? Well, I haven't needed any yet. I have a very supporting loving husband who has been clean from alcohol for 25 years and was involved in the 12 step way back when so he understands and supports me and listens and we talk through everything. I do use Becky's workbook... she has a workbook that helps you walk through your issues as you read the main book. I haven't used it much but I plan to.
I have a terrible stress going on right now. My sister is near death and my Mother is acting out in weird ways and my sisters kids are stealing her food stamp cards and all this huge drama is going on. I have awful ups and downs in my heart and gut from it all, but not once have I wanted to eat over it.
At any rate... I've gotten way away from myself here at 5:30 in the morning, so I'll stop. I hope that some of what I have said helps someone someday. And if not, it sure helped me to write it. To share and give of ones story/testimony is a healing and a reinforcement of the souls journey.
Blessings...
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
This got me on a rant as follows, that I felt had some great info. in it for this thread:
Read that back in my 'therapy days.' Great book. But I wasn't 'clean' when I read it. I was still eating emotionally and badly. My personal belief gleaned from Becky's book and my own years of humble experience is that just like a drunk cannot go into therapy while still drinking... neither can emotional or overeaters or anyone with an eating problem go into therapy when still indulging. You can, but the therapy itself usually won't stop the disease.
And I'm not saying 'don't read it,' nor am I saying it won't do you any good... but all of those books and all of the therapy I did for years and years, did not stop my eating issues of eating for every emotional reason under the sun. I 'understood' why I was eating because of the therapy and the books, but it did not stop the disease.
My experience is, one has to find a place to stop the madness of eating before one can begin to address some of the emotional aspects driving the disease. When one's mind is clear and free from the brain chemistry ups and downs, one can truly 'see' and 'feel' what's going on.
Part of the entire issue, again from my own years of trying like a desperate mad woman to figure out my problem, is that when your brain chemistry is whacked from sugar and bad food, you don't think straight, act right, sleep right, your hormones are messed up causing additional emotional and physical problems, etc., etc.
Again, to first get clean from the overeating and emotional eating, allows one to really see what the issues might be.
It's not an easy road in, but for me, it's been the only road in after years of trying every type of therapy out there while still eating away thinking 'if I just figured out what my problems are,' or 'if I just got the right job,' or 'if I just got the right husband,' or if I just got the... right whatever!' Or 'as soon as my bills are paid,' 'or as soon as my kid leaves home' or 'as soon as tomorrow looks better,' I'll be able to get this eating under control.' Or the big one.. "If I just lost weight, then by gosh, I'd be able to love myself and then really 'control' my eating."
And the others: "I deserve this." "I'm under too much stress today, I have to eat." "Just today... because my work load is too much and I'm tired, so I'll eat this candy and drink this coffee to help me make it through, and then tomorrow I'll start clean."
None of that goes away. Life never stops. Stress never stops. And so the emotional eating will never stop because there will never be a tomorrow that is good enough. That voice will drive one for an entire lifetime unless one begins to recognize what is going on. It drove me for 40 years. 40 years of my life on the horrid roller coaster of "trying to control it," feeling ashamed of my body, of my self, feeling guilty because "I" couldn't get it right!
Becky's book and website may scare some because it calls the eating issue a disease or an addiction and many people don't want to even consider that there might be a deeper issue called an addition or disease - I mean it's just eating, right? But my testimony says 'give it a chance.' It's a cheap book and if you don't recognize yourself and your eating issues in the first chapter, put it on a shelve and forget all I have told you. But don't throw it out.
I bought this book 5 years ago, once again desperate and at the height of yet another round of binging because my husband was dieing (and that was my big excuse to eat), and yes it's a good one but no excuse is good enough now for me now that I understand about emotional eating and how it can eventually kill. But I bought the book and recognized myself and the issues right there in the first chapter, and at the time began to try and get clean, but I kept making those excuses to eat. I didn't 'get it' yet.
I put it on the shelve. (I'm so glad I didn't throw it away).
5 years later (2 months ago), I pulled it out again and I 'got it.'
Now almost two months clean from emotional eating and binging and not one binge of junk has happened. Not even any desire for any junk food or sugar.
I attribute this to three things... One - 'getting it.' Understanding and surrendering to the fact that I indeed had an issue with 'eating over anything and nothing,' and I was driven by that voice making excuses to eat. I listened to it and caved every time. Even if I knew it was not right, I caved.
The 2nd thing is, Dr. D's GTD which has completely stablized my brain chemistry and given me the tools to handle the stresses and ups and downs of the days. When the voices do come now, I can walk away from them and 'handle life on life's terms.' Which means... life is going to throw everything my way... ups and downs... bad days and good... do I eat over them... no. This is accepting life on life's terms and moving forward without eating over it.
And three, God's help. I give thanks every day, every moment that I have no cravings. That I feel 'sane' for once in my life. And I stay humble about it. Because the minute I think "I've" got it sussed, the minute I think "I'm in control here" the voice will sneak back in and bite my big ego and the possibility of falling down into the dark hole again becomes a huge threat.
Therapy? Well, I haven't needed any yet. I have a very supporting loving husband who has been clean from alcohol for 25 years and was involved in the 12 step way back when so he understands and supports me and listens and we talk through everything. I do use Becky's workbook... she has a workbook that helps you walk through your issues as you read the main book. I haven't used it much but I plan to.
I have a terrible stress going on right now. My sister is near death and my Mother is acting out in weird ways and my sisters kids are stealing her food stamp cards and all this huge drama is going on. I have awful ups and downs in my heart and gut from it all, but not once have I wanted to eat over it.
At any rate... I've gotten way away from myself here at 5:30 in the morning, so I'll stop. I hope that some of what I have said helps someone someday. And if not, it sure helped me to write it. To share and give of ones story/testimony is a healing and a reinforcement of the souls journey.
Blessings...
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Day 55 and Over Due Check In!!!
Well I'm behind! Life has been keeping me swamped with getting the new CD ready. We are in the final push to get the artwork and all the songs to press so that we can have a release by end of October so my little blog entries have been suffering.
At any rate, I'm still abstinent with my bottom line of "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." And that is a miracle. A miracle I am most grateful for. I am grateful for so many things in my life, but this gift of being abstinent is the newest gift in my life after 40 years of overeating, binging, dieting, and secretly being horribly shamed with hand wringing guilt that slowly eats away at any self confidence or pride in who one is as a person.
I am more relieved and feel more free everyday. But I hold tight to my bottom line because I know the disease can rear it's secret subtle voice at any time whispering that one extra bite or one additional meal or 'this time only' won't matter. Bull... after 40 years of those voices controlling my life... I turn away from them gently and go on with my day. Thank you God. Thank you God.
I must admit, when I re-read my 30 days of Abstinence post I certainly was on the "Pink Cloud" Becky talks about in her book and subsequently felt a bit of a let down after the big build up in my mind to make it to that point. It felt like I had been on a bit of a 'diet' going toward a goal and then when I reached the goal, the old voice said... "Ok, now what?" "This isn't fun anymore... you can't even celebrate with a bunch of junk food or anything!" HA! I saw the moment for what it was because I had Becky's book and I read about the "Pink Cloud" and it helped me re-adjust to the fact that this is a way of life from now until forever, not something I'm going to let go of after I reach 30 days of being clean or 60 or 1 year or even 5 years. This is my life now. "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
One thing I have done for my afternoon sugar drop is I drink some juice with some green veggi powder added. This gets me past the 3:30 slump I experience to dinner. I was really struggling before. It's a great solution if you indeed have issues with low blood sugar in the late afternoons.
My weight is holding steady and I feel I've lost more but since (once again), I'm only 3 days away from my monthly cycle, I know I have extra weight from hormonal activity going on. But I feel I've lost at least 2 lbs this month. I've been working with some meal moderation issues especially when we traveled to Oregon recently, if I'm honest, I can say that a couple of my meals were slightly over moderate. So live and learn and re-adjust and keep truckin' forward!
The most important change has been my mental stability in the last month. I feel balanced, calm, ready for action and totally committed to my health and work in the world which is my music.
Thank you Becky once again for your great insight. I feel your book and the way your wrote it and the issues it addresses were and are a gift from God. In all the eating/dieting books I've read I've never found one that addresses these deep issues surrounding eating like yours does.
And of course another hand clap as well for Dr. Dadamo and his wonderful Blood Type Diet/Geno Type Diet Science work. Between these two tools, I am continuing to find my life and my sanity.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
At any rate, I'm still abstinent with my bottom line of "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what." And that is a miracle. A miracle I am most grateful for. I am grateful for so many things in my life, but this gift of being abstinent is the newest gift in my life after 40 years of overeating, binging, dieting, and secretly being horribly shamed with hand wringing guilt that slowly eats away at any self confidence or pride in who one is as a person.
I am more relieved and feel more free everyday. But I hold tight to my bottom line because I know the disease can rear it's secret subtle voice at any time whispering that one extra bite or one additional meal or 'this time only' won't matter. Bull... after 40 years of those voices controlling my life... I turn away from them gently and go on with my day. Thank you God. Thank you God.
I must admit, when I re-read my 30 days of Abstinence post I certainly was on the "Pink Cloud" Becky talks about in her book and subsequently felt a bit of a let down after the big build up in my mind to make it to that point. It felt like I had been on a bit of a 'diet' going toward a goal and then when I reached the goal, the old voice said... "Ok, now what?" "This isn't fun anymore... you can't even celebrate with a bunch of junk food or anything!" HA! I saw the moment for what it was because I had Becky's book and I read about the "Pink Cloud" and it helped me re-adjust to the fact that this is a way of life from now until forever, not something I'm going to let go of after I reach 30 days of being clean or 60 or 1 year or even 5 years. This is my life now. "No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
One thing I have done for my afternoon sugar drop is I drink some juice with some green veggi powder added. This gets me past the 3:30 slump I experience to dinner. I was really struggling before. It's a great solution if you indeed have issues with low blood sugar in the late afternoons.
My weight is holding steady and I feel I've lost more but since (once again), I'm only 3 days away from my monthly cycle, I know I have extra weight from hormonal activity going on. But I feel I've lost at least 2 lbs this month. I've been working with some meal moderation issues especially when we traveled to Oregon recently, if I'm honest, I can say that a couple of my meals were slightly over moderate. So live and learn and re-adjust and keep truckin' forward!
The most important change has been my mental stability in the last month. I feel balanced, calm, ready for action and totally committed to my health and work in the world which is my music.
Thank you Becky once again for your great insight. I feel your book and the way your wrote it and the issues it addresses were and are a gift from God. In all the eating/dieting books I've read I've never found one that addresses these deep issues surrounding eating like yours does.
And of course another hand clap as well for Dr. Dadamo and his wonderful Blood Type Diet/Geno Type Diet Science work. Between these two tools, I am continuing to find my life and my sanity.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Friday, September 19, 2008
Day 47 and an Enlightening Conversation
Below is an interaction from another board I'm a member of that I felt was a very important conversation to post here - the paragraphs in italics are the person's original comments followed by my response in regular font.
Funky Muse, I just saw this thread!
My personal experience: I dont consciously reach out for black dots. Stuff like Spelt, Oats etc., make me wheez. Stuff like lentils give me gas. Stuff like egg plant, yard long beans, spinach, carrots etc., which used to be my favourites, just dont have any flavour anymore! However, I reserve these vegetables & lentils for visits. Coffee makes me sleepy. Certain black dot nuts dont give obvious reactions but certain others make me burp and gives me indigestion. Same for black dot fruits.
I don't even eat these things anymore! I tried to give carrots a go but they were not interesting. I haven't touched spelt or oats in awhile now. The black dots I have to be careful with are the ones I enjoy like Avocado and Apricots and Necterines! But I'm working to stay away from those right now as an experiment to see if my weight or other health issues change. It's complicated for me because of this hemochromatosis which makes me feel awful all over if I have too much Iron which i do presently.
As for oils & ghee, I have a personal rule of making these good fats 20% of my meal. It's something that I picked up in the ER/LR book. Infact, without getting too hung upon numbers, I personally follow this: 40% protein, 30% Carbs from fruits & veggies, 10% Carbs from grains and 20% fats. I've played around with it and have found this ratio to sit well with me.
I can't do any percentages or measurements due to my addiction habits and patterns from the past. It really kicks in 'dieting mentality' for me and that is one thing I'm working to stay abstinent from. You see, for most folks who are addicts, 'diets' were a way to control their issues rather than deal with them. The 'diet' became the focus rather than just working to find a bottom line of abstinence to stick with, eating right and exercising and then beginning to deal with emotional issues.
One cannot deal with interior emotional pain and past trauma when one is drunk (or brain chemistry altered from bad food or illusionary low calorie dieting). When you are eating junk and binging you are drunk. You are brain chemistry altered. Also when you are 'dieting' per se' with the glorious illusion of permanent weight loss and 'finally getting control' of your eating hanging over your head, you are drunk. (you are brain chemistry altered by the illusion that you are going to get it right this time). You are in illusion land. Because what it truly takes is just settling down into a routine of taking the time to make sure you stick with your bottom line abstinence (mine is 3 moderate meals per day with no random eating inbetween NO MATTER WHAT); and focusing on the 1st step toward freedom from crazed and controlled eating. As your brain chemistry balances and you get into a rhythm with your meal planning and eating moderately, then you can begin to dig into working on emotional issues.
Most folks try to do it all at once and it's virtually impossible until you reach a strong place with your abstinence away from junk eating or grazing, and 'dieting mentality.'
As for exercise, it's funny really. Up until about 2 months ago exercise was part and parcel of my life. Something natural, like breathing. Then I developed some imbalances and in order to take care of it I had to stay away from physical straining...but I continued eating my diamonds and super foods. Black dots would creep in from time to time when eating out.
What I noticed last weekend was that I had lost almost 2kg, and my clothes continue to hang on me. There is more definition in my physique, and that helps when you're slightly taller than 5 feet with a short torso
Over at our Fresh Start Week thread, Lakeslady, another Hunter, has been off exercises for similar reasons, but she's been eating fairly well, and she remarked that she had lost weight without even trying.
I know that when you don't exercise you loose muscle weight and mass so most likely that is what is happening. Also your body might tend to store more muscle fluids when exercising on a regular basis.
I'm not even trying to lose weight. It isnt my goal. I look at the food lists and I know what my limits are and what my options are. If I find a recipe which calls for a black dot, I would sub it with a diamond or a super bennie. At the most a neutral. Black dots appear benign...but for me personally they turn around and bite me!
In reading your posts over the course of my time here, I think you are doing a great job. It gets back to what we each are facing personally.
Some folks like Rex can gain weight and then decide to stop and they have luck with it. For addicts or folks that are facing really bad brain chemistry upset with adrenals and hormonal issues, that ability to just stop is not there. It's not about willpower. The body DEMANDS it's sugar and junk when it is off balance. There is no stopping it at times. I have been in that position thousands of times.
My 1st husband decided he was not going to smoke anymore and that was it. Others have to go wear patches and chew gum to try and make it through. My 2nd husband found himself in the gutter in Mexico after an all night drinking binge and decided right there he was going to stop drinking. Others have to go through massive rehap and 12 step programs.
There is no 'one way' out for anyone. Each person has to reach a 'bottom' with their eating, even if they are not sugar or junk addicts per se' before they can truly make a long term life change.
Me, it took 35 years of back and forth and back and forth thinking I could control it with this diet or that diet or this pill or that one, or eat only pizza on fridays, or starving one day a week or whatever crazy thing it was. FOR YEARS I played games with myself.
It's not about weight loss. The weight loss will come on it's own when other things are lined up. And if it doesn't than either the meals are too big or other factors or involved that one has to carefully look at. Like maybe your body likes being that weight naturally. It's about body and mind health. If one keeps messing around with bad foods to a huge degree they will go back and forth messing up their brain chemistry and then it takes 2 or 3 days to get it back to a place of stability again. It's a ruthless cycle. And millions of people do this. No only obese folks or addicts. Regular people mess around and mess around and mess around.
I think that Dr. D's suggestion that 4 or 5 times a week of non-compliance is a normal occurence for one who is working to stay compliant. But beyond that, one is beginning to play a serious game of losing balance with food which in turn plays huge havoc on the ability to stay sane with food, brain chemistry, adrenal and hormonal issues.
Now I have a simple existence with food. I have my bottom line abstinence rule and I have my good eating plan from the GTD.
This does not make me a saint or a big ego blasting mouth here... It means I had the fear of God rise up in me one night as I looked back over my life and realized how many years I had been messing around and not finding a place to stay sane. My body hurt, I felt awful most days, and I felt mentally crazy around food and trying to control it all.
I surrendered, admitted I obviously had issues, established my bottom line abstinence (with the help of Becky Jackson's book), got my GTD eating in gear and here I am working toward my 60 days of abstinence from 'dieting' and binging.
I have great compassion for myself and all who are suffering from the back and forth game of trying to get balance in their lifes with food. It can be a lifetime roller coaster ride.
Group hug... ?
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Funky Muse, I just saw this thread!
My personal experience: I dont consciously reach out for black dots. Stuff like Spelt, Oats etc., make me wheez. Stuff like lentils give me gas. Stuff like egg plant, yard long beans, spinach, carrots etc., which used to be my favourites, just dont have any flavour anymore! However, I reserve these vegetables & lentils for visits. Coffee makes me sleepy. Certain black dot nuts dont give obvious reactions but certain others make me burp and gives me indigestion. Same for black dot fruits.
I don't even eat these things anymore! I tried to give carrots a go but they were not interesting. I haven't touched spelt or oats in awhile now. The black dots I have to be careful with are the ones I enjoy like Avocado and Apricots and Necterines! But I'm working to stay away from those right now as an experiment to see if my weight or other health issues change. It's complicated for me because of this hemochromatosis which makes me feel awful all over if I have too much Iron which i do presently.
As for oils & ghee, I have a personal rule of making these good fats 20% of my meal. It's something that I picked up in the ER/LR book. Infact, without getting too hung upon numbers, I personally follow this: 40% protein, 30% Carbs from fruits & veggies, 10% Carbs from grains and 20% fats. I've played around with it and have found this ratio to sit well with me.
I can't do any percentages or measurements due to my addiction habits and patterns from the past. It really kicks in 'dieting mentality' for me and that is one thing I'm working to stay abstinent from. You see, for most folks who are addicts, 'diets' were a way to control their issues rather than deal with them. The 'diet' became the focus rather than just working to find a bottom line of abstinence to stick with, eating right and exercising and then beginning to deal with emotional issues.
One cannot deal with interior emotional pain and past trauma when one is drunk (or brain chemistry altered from bad food or illusionary low calorie dieting). When you are eating junk and binging you are drunk. You are brain chemistry altered. Also when you are 'dieting' per se' with the glorious illusion of permanent weight loss and 'finally getting control' of your eating hanging over your head, you are drunk. (you are brain chemistry altered by the illusion that you are going to get it right this time). You are in illusion land. Because what it truly takes is just settling down into a routine of taking the time to make sure you stick with your bottom line abstinence (mine is 3 moderate meals per day with no random eating inbetween NO MATTER WHAT); and focusing on the 1st step toward freedom from crazed and controlled eating. As your brain chemistry balances and you get into a rhythm with your meal planning and eating moderately, then you can begin to dig into working on emotional issues.
Most folks try to do it all at once and it's virtually impossible until you reach a strong place with your abstinence away from junk eating or grazing, and 'dieting mentality.'
As for exercise, it's funny really. Up until about 2 months ago exercise was part and parcel of my life. Something natural, like breathing. Then I developed some imbalances and in order to take care of it I had to stay away from physical straining...but I continued eating my diamonds and super foods. Black dots would creep in from time to time when eating out.
What I noticed last weekend was that I had lost almost 2kg, and my clothes continue to hang on me. There is more definition in my physique, and that helps when you're slightly taller than 5 feet with a short torso
Over at our Fresh Start Week thread, Lakeslady, another Hunter, has been off exercises for similar reasons, but she's been eating fairly well, and she remarked that she had lost weight without even trying.
I know that when you don't exercise you loose muscle weight and mass so most likely that is what is happening. Also your body might tend to store more muscle fluids when exercising on a regular basis.
I'm not even trying to lose weight. It isnt my goal. I look at the food lists and I know what my limits are and what my options are. If I find a recipe which calls for a black dot, I would sub it with a diamond or a super bennie. At the most a neutral. Black dots appear benign...but for me personally they turn around and bite me!
In reading your posts over the course of my time here, I think you are doing a great job. It gets back to what we each are facing personally.
Some folks like Rex can gain weight and then decide to stop and they have luck with it. For addicts or folks that are facing really bad brain chemistry upset with adrenals and hormonal issues, that ability to just stop is not there. It's not about willpower. The body DEMANDS it's sugar and junk when it is off balance. There is no stopping it at times. I have been in that position thousands of times.
My 1st husband decided he was not going to smoke anymore and that was it. Others have to go wear patches and chew gum to try and make it through. My 2nd husband found himself in the gutter in Mexico after an all night drinking binge and decided right there he was going to stop drinking. Others have to go through massive rehap and 12 step programs.
There is no 'one way' out for anyone. Each person has to reach a 'bottom' with their eating, even if they are not sugar or junk addicts per se' before they can truly make a long term life change.
Me, it took 35 years of back and forth and back and forth thinking I could control it with this diet or that diet or this pill or that one, or eat only pizza on fridays, or starving one day a week or whatever crazy thing it was. FOR YEARS I played games with myself.
It's not about weight loss. The weight loss will come on it's own when other things are lined up. And if it doesn't than either the meals are too big or other factors or involved that one has to carefully look at. Like maybe your body likes being that weight naturally. It's about body and mind health. If one keeps messing around with bad foods to a huge degree they will go back and forth messing up their brain chemistry and then it takes 2 or 3 days to get it back to a place of stability again. It's a ruthless cycle. And millions of people do this. No only obese folks or addicts. Regular people mess around and mess around and mess around.
I think that Dr. D's suggestion that 4 or 5 times a week of non-compliance is a normal occurence for one who is working to stay compliant. But beyond that, one is beginning to play a serious game of losing balance with food which in turn plays huge havoc on the ability to stay sane with food, brain chemistry, adrenal and hormonal issues.
Now I have a simple existence with food. I have my bottom line abstinence rule and I have my good eating plan from the GTD.
This does not make me a saint or a big ego blasting mouth here... It means I had the fear of God rise up in me one night as I looked back over my life and realized how many years I had been messing around and not finding a place to stay sane. My body hurt, I felt awful most days, and I felt mentally crazy around food and trying to control it all.
I surrendered, admitted I obviously had issues, established my bottom line abstinence (with the help of Becky Jackson's book), got my GTD eating in gear and here I am working toward my 60 days of abstinence from 'dieting' and binging.
I have great compassion for myself and all who are suffering from the back and forth game of trying to get balance in their lifes with food. It can be a lifetime roller coaster ride.
Group hug... ?
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Back from a little journey and Day 38
Well we took a trip 6 hours south to do some business. Hubby had to be in a legal meeting all day the 2nd day and I was left to be out and about. I went to Whole Foods and got a couple of cooking aprons so I won't ruin anymore of my sweat shirts cooking! ha... And then I went up North to the mountains to where we used to live and walked around in the forrest. I miss it but it is too far away for the kind of business we do. It was good to go up there.
I was MORE THAN FATIGUED from the drive and the stress of it all. But no cravings. I had moments where I felt like eating because I was so tired but feeling like eating is different from the driving 'never let you go until you eat junk' voice which was not really present.
I had brought a lot of good food in a cooler, so there was no need to eat out breakfast or lunch. We did have dinner out two nights and to be honest, my meals may have been slightly more than moderate but not enough to say I broke my abstinence. While everyone else enjoyed desert, I was just too full and could not justify it.
So I hung in there with God's help and lived through the tiredness and the ups and downs of the trip and made it home. The only thing I really did more than I ever do is chew gum. I chewed about 4 - 6 sticks per travel day throughout the day. I didn't like this and don't plan to do it again unless I cannot get to a place to brush my teeth. The other thing is that I did have a couple of cups of half calf coffee and I DO NOT LIKE THE HIGH, this stuff gives me anymore. I really can tell the difference between coffee caffeine and green tea/yerba mate caffeine. I get way to grittery and uneasy on the coffee caffeine. Yuck-O! ha... I was never one to use speed or diet pills way back when. Hated them.. they just made me want to eat to come back down to earth.
I weighed this morning and my weight held steady at 5 lbs less. I have not been having good regular movements so I'm not sure what is really going on.
When I was down there, I went to the Red Cross and had a blood draw for my hemochromatosis and yes my iron was up so that is why I've been aching all over. Now I have to start going for regular draws of 1 unit a week or so, until the iron levels are down again.
It's kind of a pain to have this disease but at least I can manage it with blood draws. And it's kind of a pain to be an addict but in all the years that have past I learned so much from the disease of addiction that I cannot call it a pain anymore. It's a true gift as it has brought me to a place where I really want to eat right and take care of myself in a gentle moderate way.. not an obsessed over the top control freak way.
Freedom is moderation and surrender.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
I was MORE THAN FATIGUED from the drive and the stress of it all. But no cravings. I had moments where I felt like eating because I was so tired but feeling like eating is different from the driving 'never let you go until you eat junk' voice which was not really present.
I had brought a lot of good food in a cooler, so there was no need to eat out breakfast or lunch. We did have dinner out two nights and to be honest, my meals may have been slightly more than moderate but not enough to say I broke my abstinence. While everyone else enjoyed desert, I was just too full and could not justify it.
So I hung in there with God's help and lived through the tiredness and the ups and downs of the trip and made it home. The only thing I really did more than I ever do is chew gum. I chewed about 4 - 6 sticks per travel day throughout the day. I didn't like this and don't plan to do it again unless I cannot get to a place to brush my teeth. The other thing is that I did have a couple of cups of half calf coffee and I DO NOT LIKE THE HIGH, this stuff gives me anymore. I really can tell the difference between coffee caffeine and green tea/yerba mate caffeine. I get way to grittery and uneasy on the coffee caffeine. Yuck-O! ha... I was never one to use speed or diet pills way back when. Hated them.. they just made me want to eat to come back down to earth.
I weighed this morning and my weight held steady at 5 lbs less. I have not been having good regular movements so I'm not sure what is really going on.
When I was down there, I went to the Red Cross and had a blood draw for my hemochromatosis and yes my iron was up so that is why I've been aching all over. Now I have to start going for regular draws of 1 unit a week or so, until the iron levels are down again.
It's kind of a pain to have this disease but at least I can manage it with blood draws. And it's kind of a pain to be an addict but in all the years that have past I learned so much from the disease of addiction that I cannot call it a pain anymore. It's a true gift as it has brought me to a place where I really want to eat right and take care of myself in a gentle moderate way.. not an obsessed over the top control freak way.
Freedom is moderation and surrender.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
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