Well for me personally it seems to always be the case that once a great sun rises and shines, it is followed by a shadowy day either internally, externally, or both. Today I received the internal challenge of dissatisfaction.
My husband and I took the ferry and went over to a town called Squim right on the Straights of San Juan and chose a eating place to celebrate our anniversary. We both ordered an expensive dish of steamed mixed seafood which came with some kind of cole slaw mixture and a bun.
The cole slaw mixture was shredded cabbage in a bowl with thousand island dressing poured on top. Pretty classy huh?! NOT.
The bun of course was a mass produced bun of some sort which I did not touch. The seafood mixture was actually decent and came with butter dip and lemons. I had to really use the lemon and salt, and a bit of the butter to give it some sort of flavor but it was better than everything else on the menu.
Hubby then ordered lemon pie for his desert and I took a few bites of only the filling which was basically whip cream with lemon flavor added.
The drive to Squim was beautiful. The town of Squim was less than beautiful except for the stunning mountain range beyond it. The area we went to eat was right on the coast so it was pretty nice.
But overall we were vastly disappointed in the meal which left me completely emotionally unsatisfied and wishing I could have something really special. Wishing we had gone somewhere else. Wishing we had stayed home. The meal just left me empty and sad that so much money had been spent on this meal that was supposed to be so special for us.
And I had to live with that. I couldn't go get a goodie snack to make it all better. As well when we got back to the town of Port Townsend, WA, which is loaded with old time touristy shops and eatery's... I found that the old voice of 'let's get a goodie, let's have fun.. let's get something good to eat...' came thundering back and I realized how much I relied on food to make life exciting when out and about in the world just spinning time away like we do when we are taking a day off there and there and site seeing or gallavanting about here and there.
I had to instead take in the view. Sit on a bench and watch the people, talk to my precious love about our life together and our music... enjoy the ocean breeze. I had to eat of nature and of the simple things. In doing this I realized a huge thing. That when we are focused on eating and food and getting this goodie or that one or even being like a shop manic going from shop to shop looking at this and that and buying this and that, that we are distracting, (or at least I am), from life.
This was a brand new experience for me. And I realized there are going to be many more times in the future when I pick the wrong foods by accident and am left unsatisfied with how the meal tastes or how it made me feel from an emotional satisfaction standpoint.
I did have a decaf mocha on the way home and didn't like it at all really; but when I got home I had a healthy meal.
Tonight I am grateful for being able to go out into the world and maintain my abstinence, and I am especially grateful for my husbands love of me and my body. Hey I don't understand it, but he sees something my harsh judging hateful eyes don't see and he makes me feel cherished in a body that 5 years ago, I was so ashamed of, I wouldn't go out in public at times. Such sad shame I carried in my heart. Such a sad and lonely young woman I was. And now... what a strong and beautiful and compassionate soul I have awakened to, within myself. I'm falling in love with the gifts of my heart that are finally blooming.
This morning I was down 3 lbs from that number that had been holding stubborn on that white piece of metal with the swirling numbers that I step on every morning, testing my fear of the damn thing, and the gift of acceptance of my beautiful healing body and mind.
My Tools:
"No random eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day, no matter what."
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
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