Well, it's been a couple of days and I've actually sat down here to start and then gotten up. There is so much I could write. In the last couple of days, however, I feel I've been pushed heavily up against the inside of my skin with this disease. And it is a disease. I feel like I don't know how to eat anymore. I can't diet. I won't diet. And yet whenever I get a craving or one of those moments hit me, I'm off to the kitchen. I have begun to feel so horrified inside about it all. Where to turn... what to do now. I feel like I'm being controlled by someone or something else when it comes to food. I'm as wobbly as a drunk on the street who spends his last dollar on cheap wine instead of a good meal.
Last night, awakening in a somewhat resolved and terrorized state, I came upstairs and pulled a book out of the bookshelve entitled "Dieting - A Dry Drunk" by Becky Lu Jackson. (http://www.dietingrecovery.com)
I had purchased this book in 2004, the year my 2nd husband passed away from cancer. I dived into it and tried to work it as much as my grief and on the fence recovery would allow but it was not time yet. I had to fall deeper into what Becky Lu calls a bottom line. Now 4 years later, I'm ready. I'm bold to be making that strong statement... "I'm Ready," but I am. I feel wobbly, uncertain and unsure that I can make it, but the determination is there and this time there is a resolved and true ache to heal. I have come to realize how serious my eating addiction disease is and how it has had me by the throat my entire life, with me all the while thinking I could try and control it and if only certain things would happen, I could get happy and then I wouldn't have the cravings and on and on. I have been studying the 'why's of my addiction all of my life. One important thing that stuck me upon this review of Becky's book was that she leads you to work on the "how's." To concentrate on "how to get better." "How to arrest the disease."
So I'm glad I didn't write these last couple of days, as I would have been going on and on about my stuggle and being a victum to this cunning baffling demon and all the why's of I fail and I would talk about more of my 'moments,' instead of switching directions and beginning to write about my recovery. Yes my recovery.
Today I didn't seem to make good progress on it. But I will take that back and say that I read the 1st 5 chapters again, and wrote out a bottom line abstenience and because aware of that bottom line which is no ramdom eating inbetween 3 moderate meals per day.
When making the appetitizer for the neighborhood gathering, I kept thinking of my bottom line and at the end of making it, I ended up eating some of it. So I quickly decided to make that my lunch and added a couple of other items to make it a fully moderate lunch. And I made it through the afternoon with only tea until the gathering. And then I got lost in the food at the gathering and didn't maintain my bottom line.
I don't know what to say about it. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I know I'm not to have guilt but just awareness. And I'm not going to get into the big why about it. I'm just going to move back to the 'hows.'
My Tools:
http://www.dietingrecovery.com
http://www.dadamo.com
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