Committment to Healing

So I've been attempting for several months now, maybe even a couple of years, to start a diary of sorts about the personal issues I face that revolve around eating. I would start up a Word Perfect page and than abandon it after a day or two. When I would do it, it would really help me; and I would write way more than expected. Many other things besides the binge I had, or overly large meal I ate would come out on the page.

So here I am beginning this blog and hoping to have lots of interaction and a support group of sorts so that I won't abandon the project and we won't abandon one another.

Another way I sabatoge my efforts to heal is this false hope I wake up to every morning. Feeling like today is the day, I'm going to get my shit together and feeling that I have the strength and willpower to do it. I don't surrender to God.. I just boldly and arrogantly go forward in my day thinking I've got it together. Then when I happen to have one of those 'moments,' and you must know the moments I'm referring to... the moment that comes out of no where and wants something sweet and gooey or something crunchy and salty or whatever that 'moment' wants, begs for, demands, insists upon, won't let you alone until you give in... Well, when that moment comes, I've forgotten that I need to surrender that voice to God and pray for release... I've forgotten all about the good tools I can use toward my freedom, toward my health and sanity, and I give in. That my friends is a sad situation because all of my good egotistical intent upon awakening was as weak as a sand castle coming down in a tiny windstorm.

My husband once told me that addicts were very egotistical. I now understand what he meant. We think we can handle it. Opps... let me speak for myself here... I think I can handle it. I think just because I have one good day of white knuckling it, or even a week or a month of freedom from the cravings, that I finally have the demon beat down. NOT. He's just sitting in the background of my mind laughing at my puffed up state of insecurity that he is going to blow down during any of my weakest moments - one of which happens to be in mid-afternoon.

Mid-Afternoon. Not a good memory for me growing up. That was when school was over and I had to go home to a very unhappy home. Mid-Afternoon.. that was when my ex-husband left for work and I was deeply lonely - happy to see him go because even when he was there, I was deeply lonely. Mid-Afternoon, when my second huband died of cancer as I was trying to rush home to be with him in that moment and didn't make it.

Yes the demon of addiction loves my 'mid-afternoon' moment.